Oh, the cleverness of me!
Beat me, hurt me, use me, torture me, but do it because you love me.
A look into the mind of a submissive and bisexual man.
This content may not be suitable for all audiences—know thyself.
Oh, the wonderful intricacies of idioms and toying with them through language. Such cryptography can only succumb to cryptanalysis that accounts for the relevant factors of today. (Apologies to those readers who aren’t actually a part of my non-cyber life.) In such cases, a picture is worth a thousand words.
The picture of me, above, was actually taken in 2005, though a similar and yet distinctly very different night was had just a few hours ago.
Okay, so here’s a funny subject I’ve been trying to experiment with a little lately. This past week I’ve been locked up in the CB-3000 at my girlfriend’s command. The last time I had been locked up wasn’t for a good many months ago. (I have it recorded on my personal kink calendar, but without looking it up I’d say it’s been at least four months since my last lock-up.) I’m glad that, after all this time, it’s still relatively easy to get acclimated to wearing the device again. Sleeping is not a problem, comfort is hardly an issue, and overall it’s not difficult to remain hygienic.
The thing that has changed between then and now, funnily enough, is the kinds of clothing I typically wear. My wardrobe is stocked full of form-fitting shirts and, more to the point, pants and underwear. My underwear inventory isn’t even very good at accomodating my penis when I’m not locked in the chastity device (it’s mostly very feminine wearables), so trying to maneuver into it with the bulk of the chastity device is an amusing challenge.
This has led me to experiment a lot more with what kinds of clothing work best when locked. I’ve had to consider both comfort and look, for obvious reasons. The results have surprised me!
For instance, it turns out that thongs (designed for women) are actually very comfortable to wear when I’m locked in the chastity device. It seems that the tightness of the thong stretching over the device gives me a lot of support in the needed area, and pulls the device downwards enough to avoid being a noticeable bulge in my pants. Since there’s not a lot of fabric, it’s also a lot easier for my bits to “breathe” if it’s warm out. Wearing tidy whities or similar underwear is supportive enough, but also stifling. Besides, my ass looks like a million bucks in a thong. ;)
I’ve also found that low-rise women’s jeans are way more comfortable than traditional men’s style jeans. This is because it’s trivial to place my package on either side of the seam without trouble, whereas in other styles of pants the seam itself gets in the way of things. Readjustments have been necessary on occasion, but it’s not difficult to find a public restroom to do so.
Of course, I’m not sure how much of this is personal taste or actually making sense objectively, but whatever. My conclusions from all of this experimentation largely boil down to two salient points. These are:
I’ve been a bad boy. It’s nearly Thursday and I’ve yet to get to my Wednesday Wanderings posting this week. I don’t think I really have the readership who cares, but I’ve not been very good about posting lately and I certainly want to write about the events of the weekend and this past week. They have been amazingly wonderful, and the explorations into D/s that Eileen and I are doing right now is pushing us both in new—and exciting—directions.
However, once again, tonight I haven’t the energy to draw it all together and so instead I’ll make note of some of the recent goings-on elsewhere that I’ve found to be interesting. Rather than try to continually find great new stuff (because, damn, that’s really hard—there isn’t really that much great stuff out there, really, and even if there is it’s hard to find), I’ll do the ol’ some old and some new link list.
So without further ado, this week’s Wanderings:
In other news, it appears that a majority of bloggers (save Bitchy, of course) haven’t been that active this past week, myself included. Richard and Alexandra are finally together again, and I wish them the best of times and a lot of fun while they spend their time together. Tom Allen’s been spending a good deal of time responding to comments on his recent entries and as I’m somewhat more familiar with Tom’s story from ages ago, I’m remaining a little quieter than most. Tom, you’re becoming quite the little superstar. :)
For me, the past few days has been a whirlwind of activity in the non-kinky areas of my life. Suffice it to say that I’m voluntarily unemployed (or will be very soon) and am starting to freak out a little bit about it. I’m in that situation where I have no clue what my life will look like one week down the line, and this is both a freeing and somewhat frightening experience.
Eileen and I have enjoyed way, way more play than we normally do, as well, so there’s a lot to write about. Almost too much, in fact, because I’ve been mulling the experiences over for days now and am no where nearer to writing about them. In some ways, I’m not sure I really want to quite yet, because they were awesome and personal and I don’t have much of a basis for understanding them beyond the experience itself. I’d love to play that way some more in the future, and keep exploring these areas. And I know, I’m being way vague, which is totally unfair to readers. But hey, I may be a subbie but it’s still my blog—and don’t worry, you’ll hear allll about it soon enough. :)
Surfing around again tonight, I found a very interesting post by Saratoga discussing chastity versus draining (”milking”) a male submissive before play time. He describes the basic thrust of the concept like this:
The point is to make his ejaculatory moment as meaningless, humbling and unremarkable as possible. Pointedly waste his seed in an unceremonious manner. Then follow it up with brisk, focused activities which sweep his consciousness away from the release of his precious male sexual fluid to the infinitely more important tasks selected by his Mistress.
An interesting thought indeed. Why would one be interested in doing this? Saratoga writes:
This assures, as the Australian Domme stated, that the male is “serving (her) from submission, not from lust.” Actually, I’d suggest, from my personal experience, that the boy may still serve his Mistress “from lust,” but it would be from lust for Her, not lust for his own sexual release. So, male pre-play release would assure both a more purely submissive motivation for serving his Mistress, as well as a basis for his more purely lusting for Her, not his own sexual satisfaction.
Oh, okay, I get it. Try to ensure that the actions I am taking are in fact performed out of devotion, not a desire for self-gratification. Such a thing can be debated endlessly if taken to philosophical extremes, but let’s assume for the sake of self-exploration that not all actions are ultimately selfish.
I can certainly relate to this idea at times. Surely, if I am denied sexual release, won’t my compliance simply be a measure of how much I want an orgasm? Sometimes, yes. Is that the point? Sometimes, yes. It’s an unmeasurable thing, really, to try and determine what intentions have provided the motivation for an action of someone else’s. The dominant can’t ever truly know, despite how much they may suspect one thing to be the reality over another possibility. If I am really horny, I might be performing some action out of a desire to please my dominant so that she or he might grant me an orgasmic climax, but I may not. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to tell the difference–and that’s the real reason I see some value in this approach to starting a scene.
I think this can be an interesting tool. For example, there are certainly physiological changes that happen in one’s body that are dependent on where you are in the sexual response cycle. The release of endorphins is the common example and explains why so many of us feel as though we can take more pain when we are highly aroused. Now think about what it might do to you if you were forced to take a harsh paddling or a whipping after you have had an orgasm and not allowed to enjoy an afterglow. I think it would be pretty mentally distressing…and as such could prove to be a very, very powerful tool for a dominant to be aware of.
That is to say, draining a man prior to a scene isn’t necessarily a means to ensure his devotion or intention for service, but it certainly will change the way his body and mind responds to certain things. Dominance is not about devotion, it’s about using the tools you have at hand to control somebody else, devotion be damned. The awareness of how a submissive reacts differently to things before or after an orgasm was granted is one of these tools. The only way to get really good at using it is to practice, practice, practice.
Just my two cents….
I’m having trouble sleeping tonight for the obvious reasons such as the fact that my life is beginning to turn topsy turvy again, but I’m also spending quite a bit of time exploring new sites and thanks to their content, naturally, masturbating quite a bit. In fact, even though I’m not really masturbating to any unusual degree, I seem to be dripping precum like never before. I’ve already been able to coat my whole shaft with the lubricant it’s provided. This is interesting to me because I’m not typically that drippy a boy. Is it the way I’m masturbating? Is it the fact that my last orgasm was abandoned and perhaps I’m hornier than I would be otherwise? Maybe my body is beginning to get used to producing lots of precum? This would be a wonderful thing, because it might even save me money on buying lube. ;)
(Sidenote: I have a fantasy that Eileen would force me produce a certain amount of precum before I’m given a treat such as being allowed to masturbate to orgasm. Perhaps she only lets me use an eight of a teaspoon of lube and the rest has to be precum, and that’s my “lube ration” for the day or week.)
Whatever it is, it’s sort of besides the point anyway. I got to thinking about masturbation in general and went to go find some corresponding writings. Though I didn’t set out to surf tonight with that goal specifically in mind, I’ve been thinking about it for a few days already because I’ve been away from home and away from Eileen. Interestingly, though I do enjoy the sensations of masturbation, there’s simply nothing that can compare with masturbating in her presence, when she’s present with me. When I’m not around her, I want to masturbate to fantasize about being with her and being controlled by her, but when she is around, I find that I don’t tend to start masturbating unless I ask her for permission first, even though I don’t have to by our rules.
Surfing around, however, sometimes takes a while so tonight I’ve been doing a lot of masturbating and clicking on links. Eventually, the Web did that thing it’s great at doing and I’ve just now been successful in finding a new treasure trove of things to read. The Peter Files is a web site all about male masturbation under female guidance that I’ve been exploring for a little while tonight.
Guided masturbation is an interesting thing. Basically, it’s where one partner masturbates obeying the directions given by another. That’s a sexy thought because there’s an implicit power dynamic embedded in the obeying and giving of directions. This sort of activity is the basis for such forms of pornography as web teases, as can be found extensively at Milovana.com. It makes me wonder why thoughts of guided masturbation is such a turn on for me.
I think one of the major reasons is because, frankly, I’m really good at pleasuring myself. I’ve been practicing for years, and before I gave up control of when, where, and how I orgasmed, I would masturbate myself to several awesome orgasms every day or so. So you know, I’ve had a lot of practice. I think also, just in general, manual masturbation (hand jobs, to put it bluntly) are totally underrated. Sex is good and all, but the lowly hand job is often overlooked as a major part of that. While browsing the Peter Files a bit, I found this excerpt from the Hand Job Manual page that sums up that sentiment nicely:
Sex means more than intercourse; It is also exploring all the different variations that enhances your sex life and keeps it from getting stale. Masturbating your partner can be very exciting for both of you.
But I digress. Hand jobs are one thing, guided masturbation is another. Perhaps, then, it’s the thought that I’m being told what to do that is at the root of the attraction? I certainly like that thought. It reminds me a lot of hypnosis, without the hypnosis. That is, being told certain things, focusing on my dominant’s voice, but instead of being in a trance state I’m in an extremely aroused state. In fact, I wonder what guided masturbation while under hypnosis would be like; certainly a trance state is not mutually exclusive of an extremely aroused state. An interesting twist that I sometimes fantasize about as well would be to be told to masturbate, and then being told to imagine (or perhaps hypnotized to believe?) that the sensations from the masturbation are actually from sex, or from topping a lovely slave girl. (Yes, there’s a streak of toppiness in me sometimes, too!)
I also find guided masturbation to be a possible component of the various games of chance people like to play with orgasm control that I am also interested in. The difference is that games of chance don’t give as much arbitrary control to the dominant, and I rather enjoy the fact that it is Eileen who has ultimate say in what I do. Yes, at times it is sexy to fantasize about her playing the role of a mockingly comforting sweetheart who is simply “playing by the rules,” but I also really enjoy the simple fact that what she says goes.
A few days ago, Eileen asked me if I wished she was “harder” with me. Honestly, I can’t say that I do because I love it when she’s sweet and gentle. There are even times when I will become aroused through even non-sexual, gentle caresses for no other reason than she’s being sweet and delicate with me. It’s less an issue of being hard on me or not, I think, but rather simply following through with the things she wants, making everything that happens be on her terms, and balancing that with the things I am interested in like exploring all sorts of new things.
I think guided masturbation is something I’d like to see us explore a bit more. I think we’d both enjoy it a lot, and it even may provide a comfort and/or a sexual connection during times we’re not with each other physically. (Never thought I’d actually be desiring phone sex, but hey….) I imagine a situation where she tells me to masturbate, giving me instructions like, “A little faster, a little harder…good, now slow down and use just two fingers,” and eventually maybe starting to masturbate herself while she does it. Finally she’ll want to get off so she’ll tell me, “Get yourself to the edge and stay there for me…yes, don’t be silent, moan if you feel like it!” She’d orgasm, and I’d be keeping myself as close as I can until after she finishes, smiles at me, waits a choice few moments, and finally tells me simply, “Stop.”
Time again for another Wednesday Wandering list o’ linkage. This time, I wanted to find some quality submissive’s content. Maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s just the law of statistics, but there seems to be relatively fewer actually good quality submissive men’s writings than there are dominant women’s writings. Anyway, while not entirely sub-male-produced, here’s my list for this week:
So that’s it. I know there’s not much this time, but things have been a little crazy for me. I just gave my boss(es) my notice of resignation, and I don’t have another job lined up so this’ll be interesting. I’ve spent the week mostly at a hotel and the major comfort I am finding while away from home is the garter my girlfriend packed in my bag for me. I love the feeling of the fabric encircling my thigh, even while it makes me miss home and her touch even more.
Last night, Eileen and I were cuddling in bed. I was horny and hard, of course, and I was thrilled when Eileen let me masturbate while I kissed her feet as I did so. Naturally, I was quickly on edge, and continued to edge while kissing her feet for quite a while (an estimated 30-45 minutes).
I have always found feet to be one of the funniest parts of the body. Not sexy funny, really, just ha-ha funny. However, there is something strangely comforting about resting my head on my girlfriend’s feet, and humbling about kissing them. She has had me do this for her before, and even though it’s not something I would do of my own volition, I find it very enjoyable. Tonight especially, I wondered if she was trying to make me associate worshiping her feet with the pleasure of masturbation. The thought is arousing in much the same way as it is humiliating, especially since it is the foot fetish that I typically associate with the standard “stand and model” crowd I dislike.
While I was edging, Eileen was busying herself on her laptop, stopping to lift my chin with her foot and look at me occasionally when I would make moaning sounds she enjoyed. When I was close to the edge, I kept thinking how much I was enjoying that feeling, and though I was very seriously considering begging for a release, I found myself instead hoping not to have one.
Ironically, after a while, I pushed myself just a little too far and felt myself peak just over the edge. Wanting to be good and to keep edging, I immediately stopped touching myself and tried my best to relax and let the orgasm fade as I had been doing before. I froze but it was too late, and after a few moments my penis weakly oozed out its ejaculate. I almost didn’t notice it until it was nearly over; I had given myself an abandoned orgasm by accident.
“You beat me to it, naughty boy,” she told me, sort of grinning, “I was going to let you cum. Better double the single-tail lashings.” I already owed her 50 lashings for a previous accidental orgasm when she had to leave for her trip overseas, so now I’ve earned 100. (Though I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to these lashings or not.) I moaned aloud when she told me this, not because of the lashings but because she said she was going to let me cum.
I knew the orgasm she would have let me have would have been full and wonderful and a true release, but instead I had given myself a weak and ruined orgasm that didn’t even help my erection waver. Our typical pattern is a release for me about once every 6-12 days (it had been 7 days since my last orgasm at that point), so I’m not expecting another one for a short while and I’m already craving it, loving the anticipation of my next release after having ruined my last one myself.
And…the thought of having had “missed” the real chance…that’s also really turning me on. Hmm….
One of my Mistress’s most amazing techniques in teasing me is very simple, yet very effective: she just doesn’t touch me often. When she does, it is almost always very gentle caresses, feather-light kisses, slow licks. I always craved her touch, but rarely am I brought to such desperate desire than when she teases me with touches like these.
This past week was an intense string of anticipatory teases. Eileen even went so far as to whisper in my ear one night, “I have plans for you.” The execution of this plan was mind-bogglingly hot, but that’s a story I’ll tell another time. This time, I want to make the observation that saying that itself was incredibly hot, and the anticipation it creates is an incredibly powerful tool in a tease.
I can’t actually remember when the last time Eileen touched me in an traditionally and explicitly sexual way was. I’m sure she has not too long ago, but it’s been a while. Our sexual behavior would probably confuse a lot of people. In the past couple of weeks, the only times I can remember that she has touched me sexually was when she either kissed me, very lightly moved her fingers over my cock in passing, or pressed my perineum to get at my prostate. It drives me crazy whenever she does this.
This kind of touch-but-not-really tease has literally made my body shiver and shake regularly. For some reason, I also drip a lot more precum when she teases me like this than when I’m stroked firmly. I think a lot of this has to do with the anticipation of the feelings itself; the body produces precum in anticipation of stimulation that indicates ejaculation, so it seems to make sense that stretching out or focusing on the anticipation itself would cause me to drip more.
The anticipatory sensation is especially apparent when I compare masturbation by my own hand with hers. When what I’m feeling is my own hand, I know precisely what I’m going to do. When it’s her hand on me, I don’t know what she’ll do next and so I am primed for whatever it is without a pause. What’s interesting in that situation is that most people seem to feel that having someone else masturbate them is more pleasurable, or at least differently so, than doing it themselves. I wonder how much of that pleasurable sensation is due to the feelings of anticipation.
Anticipation is also very apparent as part of orgasm denial. One of the main “reasons” for delaying an orgasm is that the longer you wait, the better it feels when you finally come. While this is certainly true for the intensity of the orgasm in many circumstances, I am thinking that the waiting itself, the anticipation of the coming orgasm (rather than the intensity of the orgasm itself) is another piece to the puzzle. What this means is that there are two kinds of teases: teases that focus on the intensity of the (hopefully) upcoming orgasm, and teases that focus on continuing the moments of pleasure just before orgasm.
Safety: Face slapping, is a very detailed article about the physical dangers of face slapping in BDSM play that both submissives and dominants should read and understand before playing with strong face slapping in their scenes. Face slapping can be dangerous. For instance, the article advises:
Of course, if hitting hard enough, you will break the cheekbone (damaging almost inevitably some nerves), or dislodge or break the jaw articulation, which, even when being very strong, is not designed for receiving a lateral impact. For diminishing the possibility of this damage your sub should close forcefully the mouth.
There are a number of other resources on BDSM safety as well, and I think these will be good to keep all in one place, so I’m going to see if I can blog them all under the BDSM safety label over time.
I have only ever done face slapping with my current girlfriend and Mistress because it is a very hot-button issue for me. There’s an intensely contextualized component to this activity that can give it so many meanings, both for the person doing the hitting and the one getting hit. Being hit, I can feel any one of defiant, submissive, or abused (in both good and bad ways). Each emotion carries a huge weight and affects the scene.
Face slapping is tricky for me that way because I can’t ever seem to predict what reaction I’ll have from it, regardless of any prior activity or the context of the scene. So this form of play is very hit-or-miss for me; either the activity will add a lot of pleasure to the experience for both of us, or it will really send me into a negative spiral that I don’t really want. That is to say, if I am feeling like I want to be abused but instead I feel defiant when struck, that wrecks my mood pretty harshly and causes all sorts of emotional “static” that I have trouble with during the rest of the scene. Of course, “wrecks” is not always the right word, because the issue is mostly about how this incredibly intense button is pushed, not always what happens because of it.
Hm…. Certainly something to think about more, eh?
One thing I was never able to relate to was the notion of ritualizing this form of play. On Fetish Lore, Ranai writes:
A ritualised form of face slapping:
I sit. He kneels before me. I order him to keep his hands behind his back. I look into his eyes, raise my hand and slap his cheek. Then I present that same hand before him. He bends down and kisses the back of my hand. He straightens up again. I slowly raise my hand and slap him again. I present my hand. He kisses my hand again. I do it with the other hand. And so forth. Doing this a few times in silence can be a powerful thing.
I can certainly relate to the power of this action, and I would also very willingly (perhaps happily? I’m not sure…) do it if commanded to by my Mistress, but this is not something I can see myself wanting to do of my own volition. I have trouble with rituals and tradition to begin with, so maybe that issue plays a large part of my reluctance to do that sort of thing. On the flip side, it is an intensely erotic and arousing thought to be conditioned to enjoy this ritual for some reason, but the kinky desire in that context would be the conditioning and control, not the ritual.
Ranai also provides a contrasting mood:
In a fun mood:
If I have brought my partner to the edge of an orgasm, a deep look into his eyes and a slap or two on his cheek can be the final action that sends him over the edge. That’s a great experience for me too.
Now this I can totally get behind, for several reasons. First, it has always been hotter to me to think of single slaps, not consistent or rhythmic slaps. Perhaps it is the spontanaety of the act, or perhaps it is just because I’m not really that big a fan of face slapping to begin with. (Hitting is awesome. Hitting my face is questionable because I don’t know why it makes me react so unpredictably.) Either way, there is a strong contextual undertone that I link directly to orgasm control with the idea of being slapped during orgasm, and that is simply that the pleasure of the orgasm is being very cruelly interupted by the dominant. And that, as is not surprising, is really hot for me.
I also react strongly to being touched simply and lightly, caressed on the cheek or the bridge of my nose. There is something extra powerful, especially intimate about the face.
Events of potential interest (back in New York City)
