Comments on: How not to fuck up a D/s relationship

By: kinkylittlegirl

kinkylittlegirl — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 07:30:19 +0000

Hallelujah, someone else sees this the way I’ve been talking about for years!

I haven’t thought of it as a stack per se, but I’ve always distinguished between what’s “D/s level” and what’s “relationship level”. Polyamory is yet another level, kind of, although fundamentally “relationship level”.

Same thing, I guess. By definition, if you have layers, you have a stack. It’s just a question of how many layers there are.

One of a number of things that has always gotten me about the way so many people think about D/s is how they conflate the BDSM portion of their relationship with the poly portion, for those who are poly. It is inconceivable to me not to negotiate those aspects separately, because they *are* fundamentally different dynamics, and aspects of the relationship, in the same way that “dominant and submissive” is a clearly different dynamic from “boyfriend and girlfriend”.

A D/s relationship is still a relationship, first and foremost. If you don’t have that foundation functioning well to start with, you can’t successfully add the D/s layer, and you for sure can’t add a poly layer and hope to have a fully functional and mutually satisfying relationship on all levels.

They certainly all inform one another, but it makes me crazy when some dominant makes poly decisions and dictates those to his submissive without her consent, because that is simply a different relationship level and IMO, needs to be negotiated independently as a result.

To each his or her own, I suppose, but the endless questions and complaints I read about these things indicate to me that this tends to be one really screwed up way of handling a D/s dynamic that leaves a lot of people really unhappy at their core rather than pleased.

By: In which I am an asshole about sexual authoritarianism « Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed

Tue, 01 Feb 2011 14:32:11 +0000

[...] it, he would not have been able to actualize the relationship he currently enjoys precisely because such a relationship is founded on the very egalitarian ideals his thesis dismisses. He shoots himself in the foot with his own words, same as I sometimes do by [...]

By: Celtic Queen

Celtic Queen — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 14:24:46 +0000

Odd to quote on a post that’s well over 3 years old but I’ve only just followed a link to it. Beautifully and sensibly articulated. Wish I’d read it years ago :-))

By: How to maintain a not-fucked-up D/s relationship « Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 06:09:26 +0000

[...] was more than a little chuffed to read that Thumper drew from a post I wrote in 2007 called “How not to fuck up a D/s relationship” to help him overcome a bump in his relationship with his partner, Belle. Quoting him quoting [...]

By: Stacks « Denying Thumper

Stacks « Denying Thumper — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 16:19:21 +0000

[...] Maymay has this blog post that’s been sticking with me recently called “How not to fuck up a D/s relationship.” In it, he correctly points out that successful relationships are not a monolithic mass but [...]

By: Service on the Brain « Topologies

Service on the Brain « Topologies — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 16:42:47 +0000

[...] and it eroticizes so much more of everyday life. We’re only 24/7 some of the time, and I don’t have this sort of dynamic with anyone else with whom I am involved. But it makes [...]

By: psychoadept

psychoadept — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 15:45:47 +0000

Came late to this party, through your recent post on the photo blog. You’ve explained very well what I’ve had trouble expressing regarding why I back away quickly every time I meet a guy who describes himself as a slave, calls me “Sir” the first time we talk, and when I try to get him to be specific about what he wants, says something to the effect of ‘whatever YOU want.’

By: maymay

maymay — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 19:34:38 +0000

Ahhhh… An intelligent and thoughtful article on D/s. Thank you. My god, what a lot of crap is written on the subject, usually in execrable spelling.

I’m glad to hear you found this post valuable Gruffalo. :) Yeah, I’m very unhappy with the lack of thoughtful information about D/s relationships. So much of it is actually fantasy jack-off material and yet either the authors don’t seem to realize that, or they do and have malignant intent. I prefer to think that people are just ignorant over evil, but I’ve been wrong before.

By: Gruffalo

Gruffalo — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 11:24:01 +0000

Ahhhh… An intelligent and thoughtful article on D/s. Thank you. My god, what a lot of crap is written on the subject, usually in execrable spelling.

By: No guilt zone « Denying Thumper

No guilt zone « Denying Thumper — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 00:26:19 +0000

[...] is good – that the chastity isn’t being used to “fix” something – and the D/s layer of the stack is humming along, then I say any weapon in the arsenal of the dominant is in play in order to [...]