[makes distressed noises] Butbutbut. That’s just wrong. I really don’t understand how people can do that. Anyway.

I like the Don’t Make Me Think comparison.

For me, a lot of this is really about paying attention. Technical skills are one thing, but it’s not so much (for me) about being able to do X accurately, as about doing it accurately and right. Having said that, people doing it inaccurately pisses me right off :-) But all the technical accuracy in the world doesn’t mean shit if it’s not done in the right way for those people and that situation.

I think this may be getting onto emotional competency.

The analogy that springs to mind for me is DJing. Beatmatching is a skill, and that’s one thing. But what actually makes a good DJ is putting the right tracks (or bits of track) in the right order, for that crowd on that evening.

I admit if I didn’t know you, this would totally scare me off playing with you.

Calico, I’m glad you know me, then. :)

As a bottom I like to feel that I am in good hands: I trust them. But I let myself be put in unskilled hands, as long as I don’t think I will come to harm. Deliberate ignorance, arrogance and unconcern is a turnoff. And that, more than any skillset, is what I associate with the “bedroom kinky” men I’ve slept with.

What I look for in a top, and might call competence: a respectful understanding of one’s (and one’s partner’s) limitations, and the results of one’s actions.

Yes, I agree wholeheartedly. Very well said.

As a bottom I like to feel that I am in good hands: I trust them. But I let myself be put in unskilled hands, as long as I don’t think I will come to harm. Deliberate ignorance, arrogance and unconcern is a turnoff. And that, more than any skillset, is what I associate with the “bedroom kinky” men I’ve slept with.

What I look for in a top, and might call competence: a respectful understanding of one’s (and one’s partner’s) limitations, and the results of one’s actions.

The interesting thing is how much straight sexual relationships incorporate elements of BDSM, both in terms of dominance and submission, as well as ritual and even the need for pain. How many couples do you know where one of them is at a distinct disadvantage (in terms of sex, power, satisfaction, attention or even love) and yet they soldier on?

Hey, thanks for dropping by. And of course, a good point you made there. I think a lot of people have some kind of incapacity to understand a need for pain as anything but detrimental to their lives, and so many of these people end up finding ways to enact that need which are, unsurprisingly, detrimental to their lives.

Answering directly: yes, I’ve known quite a few straight and vanilla couples whose relationships remind me of so many kinky things, though the mention of such a thought would be blasphemous in their minds. Can’t say I understand how the disconnect happens in their minds, but then again I still don’t understand a lot of things about basic math that probably makes me sound like an idiot to other people.

To each their own, I suppose. I just wish more of them would find a way to make themselves happy. Granted, that’s easier said than done; I would know.

There’s something in here about choice methods that’s reminding me of website usability as in the book Don’t Make Me Think. Satisficing play needs, and muddling through with what you get rather than attempting to understand how it all works.

I am so glad you said that instead of me, because I really wanted to but thought no one would have the requisite domain-specific vocabulary to understand me. I’m glad to see some of my readers are of a technical ilk.

Anyway, you’re absolutely right, and you are expanding upon Lolita’s comment, above, when you say the finding satifiscing play is often all people are willing to do. This is true, nor surprising, but still frustrating because it means most of the tops I see don’t have the skill level that I find truly attractive. The ones that do, of course, are fantastic, and not all of them have the same skill levels in the same areas, so this creates a lovely variety, but the point remains, there are far too few of them.

People are out there looking to be harmed. People are out there looking to harm. I’m not sure how to spot either of these on first sight.

That’s true. In my experience, many of these people make up the adoring droves of bottoms that (for lack of a politically correct word) unworthy tops have. That’s a shame, really, though I see little I can do about it except to continue to conduct myself with pride and self-respect and hope these people eventually catch on that they can do the same. I simply haven’t known anyone who respects themselves completely to seek out being harmed.

I’ve seen play that is some combination of sport and performance and sensationalism – “Watch me do this extreme thing!” play. Almost like something out of the Jackass movies. I have felt like competance was actively exiled from such play.

I’ve seen this too. There is certainly a distinction to be drawn between performance, sensationalism, and play. Sometimes an activity can be a combination of these things, and if the participants are all aware of this, then I see little real issue with it, even if I won’t necessarily be impressed. I have always been far more impressed by watching extremely competent players, though, so the best way to make me stop and look at a scene is to do it well. I literally stare at the scenes of some tops I know because they are just so good at what they do. (You know who you are. ;)

There’s something in here about choice methods that’s reminding me of website usability as in the book Don’t Make Me Think. Satisficing play needs, and muddling through with what you get rather than attempting to understand how it all works.People are out there looking to be harmed. People are out there looking to harm. I’m not sure how to spot either of these on first sight.I’ve seen play that is some combination of sport and performance and sensationalism – “Watch me do this extreme thing!” play.
Almost like something out of the Jackass movies. I have felt like competance was actively exiled from such play.

I’ll be back later to expand on these.