Comments on: The closet and the importance of others http://maybemaimed.com/2007/11/15/the-closet-and-the-importance-of-others/ Because 'kinky' is an adjective, not an activity Fri, 18 May 2012 00:29:39 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: FetLife Considered Harmful: The Risks of Sex Ghettoization – KinkForAll Providence 2 « Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed http://maybemaimed.com/2007/11/15/the-closet-and-the-importance-of-others/#comment-126716 FetLife Considered Harmful: The Risks of Sex Ghettoization – KinkForAll Providence 2 « Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed Sun, 20 Mar 2011 22:38:05 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/10/01/the-closet-and-the-importance-of-others/#comment-126716 [...] part, this is because I have lost any and all significant investment I once had in “the community” and this, in turn, is because the community—unknowingly obsessed as it is with its narrow-minded, [...] [...] part, this is because I have lost any and all significant investment I once had in “the community” and this, in turn, is because the community—unknowingly obsessed as it is with its narrow-minded, [...]

]]> By: Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed › Orgasm Denial Does Not Submissive Men Make http://maybemaimed.com/2007/11/15/the-closet-and-the-importance-of-others/#comment-31235 Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed › Orgasm Denial Does Not Submissive Men Make Sat, 06 Mar 2010 08:17:14 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/10/01/the-closet-and-the-importance-of-others/#comment-31235 [...] surrounded myself with the culture and ritual of dominant/submissive relationships through the very fortunate circumstances in which I found myself. Yet, despite my incredible access to such resources, it was indescribably difficult (not to [...] [...] surrounded myself with the culture and ritual of dominant/submissive relationships through the very fortunate circumstances in which I found myself. Yet, despite my incredible access to such resources, it was indescribably difficult (not to [...]

]]> By: maymay http://maybemaimed.com/2007/11/15/the-closet-and-the-importance-of-others/#comment-692 maymay Tue, 20 Nov 2007 06:43:29 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/10/01/the-closet-and-the-importance-of-others/#comment-692 Sue, I often say that the capability to "be vanilla" is as important to me as the capability to "be kinky." So, I share a lot of your sentiments. Tom, there have been times when I have cursed fate for placing me in New York City instead of, say, San Francisco or even Seattle, two cities that, when I visited, urgently called out for me to move to there. Richard, I wish I had known of you when I visited your neck of the woods. Should you ever visit mine, you should let me know before you do. New York is special, insofar as its diversity. Sue, I often say that the capability to “be vanilla” is as important to me as the capability to “be kinky.” So, I share a lot of your sentiments.

Tom, there have been times when I have cursed fate for placing me in New York City instead of, say, San Francisco or even Seattle, two cities that, when I visited, urgently called out for me to move to there.

Richard, I wish I had known of you when I visited your neck of the woods. Should you ever visit mine, you should let me know before you do. New York is special, insofar as its diversity.

]]> By: Richard http://maybemaimed.com/2007/11/15/the-closet-and-the-importance-of-others/#comment-678 Richard Sun, 18 Nov 2007 23:24:48 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/10/01/the-closet-and-the-importance-of-others/#comment-678 I've been having lots of dreams set in Manhattan, meaning that I'm feeling very annoyed being here. (Though in my NYC dreams I'm always lost and trying to find my way back home to my apartment.) There's no escaping stereotyping I fear. I was thinking earlier today of Quentin Crisp: here was a very femme gay man who chose to be so in public in the middle of the 20th century. That means he was a weak little pansy, right? He was surely a bottom in bed. But to walk down the streets in bright clothes, perfume and makeup back then meant he was tougher and stronger than all those who laughed at him. I’ve been having lots of dreams set in Manhattan, meaning that I’m feeling very annoyed being here. (Though in my NYC dreams I’m always lost and trying to find my way back home to my apartment.)

There’s no escaping stereotyping I fear. I was thinking earlier today of Quentin Crisp: here was a very femme gay man who chose to be so in public in the middle of the 20th century. That means he was a weak little pansy, right? He was surely a bottom in bed. But to walk down the streets in bright clothes, perfume and makeup back then meant he was tougher and stronger than all those who laughed at him.

]]> By: tom paine http://maybemaimed.com/2007/11/15/the-closet-and-the-importance-of-others/#comment-658 tom paine Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:11:11 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/10/01/the-closet-and-the-importance-of-others/#comment-658 New York is a particular environment, harsh and demanding. You might be better-served on the West Coast. I am just back from Seattle, where the ethos seems more laid-back. New York is a particular environment, harsh and demanding. You might be better-served on the West Coast. I am just back from Seattle, where the ethos seems more laid-back.

]]> By: Sue http://maybemaimed.com/2007/11/15/the-closet-and-the-importance-of-others/#comment-656 Sue Fri, 16 Nov 2007 16:45:17 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/10/01/the-closet-and-the-importance-of-others/#comment-656 As always, May, you wrote about something here that resonates with me, especially right now. The first few paragraphs of this piece cover something I've been thinking a lot about this week. I have a former dominant, who I met online. We went from meeting online to "Sir" and "submissive" within about two months. We were long distance, so we saw each other every few months, and our visits were more like extended scenes - long days of D/s, bondage, play, sex, etc. Sure, we'd stop to talk and eat a meal, but our D/s dynamic came first. We had a long, slow breakup that was complicated by lots of reasons I won't go into here, but we managed to come out of it with a friendship. So now we email, we post on each other's LJs, we talk on the phone now and then. We spoke this week, and I was struck, as I nearly always am when we speak, of how little we really have to say to each other. We have very little in common outside of bdsm. And even that is hard, since I live an out life, have a scene community, and have a D/s relationship, while he has none of these. Our conversations are a struggle. I love him and care about him... but with a relationship that started with and consisted mainly of D/s and play, we have very little to fall back on. I find this a little less with NYC friends in the scene - but it's still an effort. What I find is that I have to make the effort to make them vanilla friends as well as scene friends. I often say, "If I can't go to the movies with them, then we're not really friends." I need to know that I can sit down and have dinner and talk about things like work - and know that my friend's eyes won't glaze over when I get excited about the next show at my theater or talk about my adorable nephews. If I can't rely on that, there's no friendship there. As for the rest of your post, I agree that having a visible kink community - and feeling free to be "out" in it - is important. But it's still a rocky road. I've run into TES friends while getting lunch with a coworker. That's awkward. I'm proud of who I am... but I don't want to be out at work. As for what you wrote about your appearances at Paddles or any local scene setting, that surprised me. My experience is that a beautiful woman is always going to get stared at, and not in a disapproving way. Sure, I get hit on more when I wear the slutty clothes, but I've gone to Paddles in jeans and not felt any strange (or disapproving) looks. Perhaps the requirements are different for submissives? Not sure how clear I'm being or if I'm even getting towards a point. It's Friday and I'm wiped. Just wanted to say I appreciate your posts as always. As always, May, you wrote about something here that resonates with me, especially right now. The first few paragraphs of this piece cover something I’ve been thinking a lot about this week. I have a former dominant, who I met online. We went from meeting online to “Sir” and “submissive” within about two months. We were long distance, so we saw each other every few months, and our visits were more like extended scenes – long days of D/s, bondage, play, sex, etc. Sure, we’d stop to talk and eat a meal, but our D/s dynamic came first. We had a long, slow breakup that was complicated by lots of reasons I won’t go into here, but we managed to come out of it with a friendship. So now we email, we post on each other’s LJs, we talk on the phone now and then. We spoke this week, and I was struck, as I nearly always am when we speak, of how little we really have to say to each other. We have very little in common outside of bdsm. And even that is hard, since I live an out life, have a scene community, and have a D/s relationship, while he has none of these. Our conversations are a struggle. I love him and care about him… but with a relationship that started with and consisted mainly of D/s and play, we have very little to fall back on.

I find this a little less with NYC friends in the scene – but it’s still an effort. What I find is that I have to make the effort to make them vanilla friends as well as scene friends. I often say, “If I can’t go to the movies with them, then we’re not really friends.” I need to know that I can sit down and have dinner and talk about things like work – and know that my friend’s eyes won’t glaze over when I get excited about the next show at my theater or talk about my adorable nephews. If I can’t rely on that, there’s no friendship there.

As for the rest of your post, I agree that having a visible kink community – and feeling free to be “out” in it – is important. But it’s still a rocky road. I’ve run into TES friends while getting lunch with a coworker. That’s awkward. I’m proud of who I am… but I don’t want to be out at work.

As for what you wrote about your appearances at Paddles or any local scene setting, that surprised me. My experience is that a beautiful woman is always going to get stared at, and not in a disapproving way. Sure, I get hit on more when I wear the slutty clothes, but I’ve gone to Paddles in jeans and not felt any strange (or disapproving) looks. Perhaps the requirements are different for submissives?

Not sure how clear I’m being or if I’m even getting towards a point. It’s Friday and I’m wiped. Just wanted to say I appreciate your posts as always.

]]> By: Dev http://maybemaimed.com/2007/11/15/the-closet-and-the-importance-of-others/#comment-647 Dev Thu, 15 Nov 2007 20:58:44 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/10/01/the-closet-and-the-importance-of-others/#comment-647 It's always a bit weird when you write about NYC. I'm not sure that here in Denver we have an exactly "visible" kink community, but in some ways it seems pretty great. Nobody would look askance at a dom (male or female) in jeans and t-shirt at the club we go to. (I don't know what the bigger club is like, but I can't imagine it's much more fancy.) And there's a goodly percentage of F/m couples although the actual numbers are low. It’s always a bit weird when you write about NYC. I’m not sure that here in Denver we have an exactly “visible” kink community, but in some ways it seems pretty great. Nobody would look askance at a dom (male or female) in jeans and t-shirt at the club we go to. (I don’t know what the bigger club is like, but I can’t imagine it’s much more fancy.) And there’s a goodly percentage of F/m couples although the actual numbers are low.

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