This began as a comment on Bitchy Jones’s recent and wonderful post (in typical “rock-the-boat” fashion) on how awesome getting fucked is, but it spiraled into a bit of a longer remark. It expresses a sentiment so frustratingly common in me that I’d rather keep it here. You know, for posterity or something.
Bitchy’s a self-described “dominant slut.” That is great (really); I’m all in favor of pulling stagnant gender binaries out of the penetrative experience of sexual power play. (Penetration being equated to power was first discussed when strap-ons made their debut in my corner of the blogosphere.) Bitchy basically made the oft-but-never-oft-enough-made argument that any sexual act is not inherently dominant or submissive, kind of like this:
it wasn’t being penetrated itself that was submissive. It was just that all femininity was equated with submission - that everything a woman did in sex had been made to look as if it was a priori submissive.
But there is no way that such simple basics – being the hole or the plug – are on their own submissive or dominant. It only has further meaning in context.
Then she talked a lot about how awesome getting fucked is, kind of like this:
You know what I fucking love? I fucking love to get fucked. […] I like fucking for the same reason I like hitting men, looking at bondage porn or eating steak and chips. I like pleasure.
So I suppose I’m a submissive slut, and I’m happy to say so. I like fucking, too. Catch is, (and I hate that I have to qualify it) even though I’m a guy, my dick just gets harder for the getting fucked part way more than the doing the fucking part. Kind of like Bitchy. In fact, except for all the dominant context, exactly like Bitchy.
Sometimes I have to wonder where men like me fit into the picture. Here’s a hint: It’s not here.
A guy who prefers to get fucked instead of preferring to do the fucking. Well, that’s hardly a mystery: “Must be (a) gay (bottom).” Or, “must be a sissy.” Or, “must not be an alpha (aka. best kind of) male.” I can’t even begin to imagine how I might defend myself against these things because that would imply that these things are bad to be (they’re not) or that they aren’t true (parts are, though they’re not universally true).
I’m not gay, I’m bisexual. I’m not a sissy, but I’m clearly not the hegemonic masculine man, either. I’m not what sociologists would describe as an “alpha” personality, but I can piss on the alphas with the best of them (and I’ve had to in the past). Often I feel that nobody bothers to look at this nuance. Robert Heasley, a gender theorist, began exploring some aspects of this in Chapter 5 of Thinking Straight as what he calls straight-queer men. While some of what he writes about strike very close to home for me, I am not straight because there’s that whole quibbling eroticism of homosexual encounters thing.
So I’ve never known what language to use while doing any soul-searching, or how to present myself so others know what to make of me sexually. I never felt like I had a place in either mainstream kink or femdom kink, so I keep trying to make something up.
I might naively say “I’m just me,” but I refuse to accept that I’m just that unique. I’m not that special (no matter what my father keeps trying to tell me). There are other men like me—and if you’re willing to put some money down on it, I’d bet there are lots of them. But, let’s get back to the having sex part.
I like fucking. I like it when I’m getting fucked on my penis. Yes, that’s perfectly possible. When I’m talking about getting fucked, I’m not necessarily talking about getting penetrated. A man with an erect penis can actually get fucked—fucking or getting fucked does not have a one-to-one relationship with one’s anatomical genitalia. That said, I don’t see why men who top shouldn’t be able to get it up the ass if they want to. Again, topping or bottoming does not have a one-to-one correlation with whether you are the “active” or “receptive” partner in a sexual encounter. So, it follows, that I also like getting fucked in my asshole.
Hell, if it weren’t for all the “must be gay (or a sissy)” crap which not-gay and not-sissy submissive guys (i.e., that’s me, in case you lost track) are pelted with all the time I might have even felt like I got the best deal of all: I have a plug and a hole to use while getting fucked. Actually, I have two holes if you count my mouth, and I do. It sounds like the perfect recipe for a foursome to me, and I bet you can figure out how I’d put the puzzle pieces together. (I always liked Tetris.)
Only, frustratingly, very few other people seem to be putting the puzzle pieces together the same way I am. This leads to some very upsetting experiences, like trying to jerk off to stuff that instead of turning you on increasingly makes you bitter. Yeah, I thought that was pretty fucked up, too, but I’m going to save that rant for another entry.
November 26th, 2007 at 8:11 am
I know that what I’m about to say isn’t what you mean, but bear with me while I push the envelope. Since when is porn the ultimate sign of legitimacy? What I mean to say is, you don’t need permission from porn, or “society” manifested in whatever form, to live however you want. That much you clearly know. But there’s a tone here that’s implying you still need the permission. “There’s no word for how I am! GIVE ME A WORD!”
Our frustrations (and, I’d imagine, patterns of behavior) probably overlap on this point, by the way. I certainly don’t mean this as in indictment, because I do the same damn thing.
You and Bitchy and Eileen and many others are legitimately frustrated about not having enough good space to be in. That’s completely legit! But I really do think that the best way to make that space, especially on the internet, is to postulate that it already exists. In your own writing, you see a struggle to understand. Others (myself included) see a load of sex-positive, comfortable-in-its-own-skin writing. And what better way to define a space than “that which makes you comfortable in your own skin”?
Obviously, the above idea is so far from perfect that I maybe shouldn’t post it. Ultimately, though, you’re the only person who can truly decide whether you have the right to be anywhere.
Also, for a fun word, check out “libertine.” I think it subtly implies dominance though?
November 26th, 2007 at 9:43 am
All I can say is “Amen.” I’m new to all of this, and finding any kind of porn or writing or anything that fit what I was feeling and wanting was difficult, because “submissive male slut” porn/writing is just not something they get right. In fact, the only place I think it gets done right is in blogs, where you read first-person narratives of what people are going through.
The one good thing about it was that it kind of forced me to carve out my own space with my wife when we started out a few months ago, because I couldn’t show her anything and say, “This is what I want.” I had to break it down, and break it down exactly how I wanted her to see it.
November 26th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
I see what you’re getting at, Maja, and with that in mind take this to heart:
First, I’m not seeking permission because I don’t need permission—especially not from the mainstream anything (porn, society, whatever). I am what I am regardless of the views or allowances of others. There is a major difference between having permission and having legitimacy, though, and I would very much like legitimacy even if I don’t need that, either.
Second, I don’t have to know how to describe something to anyone, including myself, to be comfortable being me. Though to make this kind of comfortable space anything beyond (yet another) delusion of mine other people have to be agreeing with me. While the Internet is a start, people can’t be fulfilled by a jumble of bits and bytes. I never liked long-distance relationships.
Third, the English language is such a fruitful showcase for showing just how entrenched really terrible concepts are in our culture. Libertine is an awesome example, which for those who don’t know relates to a person (especially a man) characterized by disregard of morals, and who behaves without a “sense of responsibility” especially in sexual matters as well as being “freethinking” in matters of religion. I don’t know if it implies dominance (I don’t think it does), I think it betrays the world’s cultural fanaticism by attacking sexual freedoms.
That’s why I can’t use this English to describe myself comfortably.
November 28th, 2007 at 3:55 am
I’m similar to you Maymay. I’m a hegemonically masculine man who fantasizes about getting fucked A LOT. I don’t know if Maja realizes what’s it’s like to live in this situation - to me it’s not about “permission” or “legitimacy”, it’s almost to the level of “existence”. I know ONE other guy like me, we email, he’s straight, lives in the Heartland, is an engineer and a former bodybuilder. He’s into domme-ey women and strap-ons but can kinda function in vanilla relationships at least for awhile. And like me he can’t quite bring himself to the munches, the community, the roles and the protocol. Just feels his sexuality is somehow out of sync and makes the best of it. I admire him for that, but he’s paid the price in things like steroid abuse and an inability to maintain long relationships.
Maymay I don’t know you but I consider you as almost a star of the Floating World and Eulenspiegel and all that - do you not meet other submissive guys? Are they all the weird sub guys that Ms. Reciprocity tells us about?
If people have trouble understanding your frustration, perhaps it’s because they don’t FEEL how it is to have the majority of your sexual identity thought of as inferior. Not just invisible, but to the extent it is revealed, inferior. And to bear the assumption of male privilege while feeling this is difficult. I can see how Bitchy’s implicit exhortation to both be submissive yet fuck her like a rock star, could seem like yet another double-bind.
November 28th, 2007 at 11:37 am
I don’t think it’s news to anyone that the major problems with how this is all perceived is the erroneous understanding that a certain quality, such as masculinity, necessarily implies a certain desire, such as being the traditionally active partner while fucking. Right now, most people are imbued with this map that says quality Q maps to activity A and, except for a few notable exceptions (such as homosexuality), the only way to get social permission (i.e., legitimacy) to perform activity A is if you exhibit quality Q. This is just dumb, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see why it’s restrictive.
B, congrats to you for being able to insulate yourself and your wife for your own mutual sexual happiness. Even though I think doing what you did is just about necessary today, I hope it won’t be someday in the near future.
Crown Vic, I’m hardly a star of The Eulenspiegel Society—I imagine a decent-sized chunk of folks are not particularly thrilled to see me around there, though I could always be wrong of course. Floating World is currently a bit of a smaller (and younger) world.
I do meet other submissive men, but in person this is usually something that happens because they have shown interest in Eileen. In most other situations where I meet submissive men, they are either so unremarkable that I do not seek further interactions with them (aka. “weird sub guys”) or they are so closed-in (as I once was) that they don’t speak to me.
Also, I think Bitchy is pretty much right-on about a ton of the stuff she writes about, not to mention how sexy and hot she is. I just don’t think we’d enjoy fucking with one another, so if she’s willing I’ll let her stick with the hitting and hurting me and things. She can give a voice to the many women like her, because god knows I can’t, and I’ll try to talk about what it’s like to be a man like me.
November 28th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
This is one of those topics that I’ve had to come to grips with in my own practices.
I see myself primarily as a dominant heterosexual male, but I’ve thoroughly enjoyed receiving penetration, and actively engage in the practice.
For the most part I really identify with Bitchy’s post, with the added bonus of being a boy who spends most of his time playing with girls. It’s been uncommon in my experiences with images of dominance and submission to see someone in such a role taking it in the ass, since that’s such a symbolic image of role-reversal in this culture. It would seem to contradict my self-aware hyperbole of being a man topping a woman, as well as negating the virility and masculinity that can commonly become associated with hetero male doms (if only in some sort of collective imagination of kinksters). For the most part it was just a matter of ignoring some of the common subtext of these actions and simply seeing them as things I thoroughly enjoy doing. As a top I’m certainly going to realize those situations which I can derive great pleasure from.
November 29th, 2007 at 12:48 am
Perhaps I should have stressed more forcefully in my post that when I’m talking about getting fucked, I’m not necessarily talking about getting penetrated. A man with an erect penis can actually get fucked—fucking or getting fucked does not have a one-to-one relationship with one’s anatomical genitalia.
That said, I don’t see why men who top shouldn’t be able to get it up the ass if they want to. Again, topping or bottoming does not have a one-to-one correlation with whether you are the “active” or “receptive” partner in a sexual encounter.
November 29th, 2007 at 2:12 am
Wow that sucks - you are as plugged-in as anyone I can think of and the main contact you have with similar guys is as a result of them hitting on your girlfriend. Weird sub guys acting like one-dimensional 12-year-olds isn’t helping the situation. Every instance I find of assertive, well-adjusted, happy male submissives makes me feel better.
You are right about Bitchy, she is an awesome sexy writer, however I often feel that as much as she is indignant at the pressure to fit the stereotypical domme image, she doesn’t deviate from focusing on an idealized macho version of male submission. But I realize it’s just sex.
November 30th, 2007 at 10:27 am
It’s been my experience that assertive, well-adjusted, happy male submissives don’t find the BDSM “Scene” to their liking, for obvious reasons. I was certainly, and am still struggling in some ways, to be happy, or assertive, and though I am much more well-adjusted now I certainly was not when I first found that community.
I’ve seen happy, assertive, well-adjusted people of all stripes come to TES meetings and the like and then never, ever return. I’m even friends with a few of those people now. There are countless others. I am amazed at why more people don’t question why that is.
I feel that too, though I wouldn’t begrudge her that; that’s what gets her off. Seems logical that she should focus on it and there really isn’t enough of that to go around in this community, either. I’m all for a greater understanding of differences in male male submission. :)
December 4th, 2007 at 4:31 am
Distinctions among those of us who R eagerly accomodating and desperately receptive/ and pre-cohesive 4 1 another…. as predisposed & instinctively ready 2 be wide astride accepted, openly accomodating, w/craved perspectives and mirror imaged vulgarity… aligned to complement beyond the heterogenous not maligned as that which violated such as the magnanomous!!!
December 4th, 2007 at 4:51 am
ok: Breaking things down to the core..I now know I like sensualities from both M/F perspectives, top/bottom whatever(s) and am just sorry it took so long to acknowledge and understand such.
S
June 13th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
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