With Eileen, Calico, and that guy without a blog name, I went to Black Rose XX this past weekend. Even though parts of it were bright, I remember it mostly as a miserable time. I cried out of sadness and anger on each day, and attempts to put into words the feelings I had while there will inevitably seem too trite, and too commonplace, to publish.
Instead, I want to share some of the unexpected experiences I had at Black Rose this weekend. I say unexpected because the other, miserable experiences, I’ll admit to bracing myself for before I ever left New York. I had been warned that the event was a largely traditional maledom, femsub affair (and it was), but at worst I thought I’d proudly shake things up. As it turned out, I retreated into a little emotional corner and felt no pride at all for much of the event. On the other hand, there were plenty more femdom, malesub play scenes happening than I was expecting.
With the above as an introduction, the following is a list of working titles that I will eventually turn into links to entries about my weekend. Some or all of these may not actually turn into entries at all. I’m fickle like that. In that instance, consider this list a brief (if cryptic) insight into how my brain works.
- On Friends and Enemies
- Reaction Bottom: Giving More to be Given More
- Making Waves: Baby Steps and Bringing Change
- Men and masks in porn: Who’s that man behind the mask?
I’m sorry you had such a rotten time. I was thinking about attending a Black Rose event, as I’ve heard good things about them from some friends. I’m a tad less optimistic now and after reading your other post. Events and social spaces where most of the women aren’t exclusively dominant and most of the men are, I can handle. Events when there’s quite a lot of bluster from those quarters and hostility or confusion from others…not so much.
Sophiste, I’d encourage you to attend a Black Rose event despite my experience. My experience might not be yours. Also, my experience was only partly to blame on BR anyway. They are not so special as to have been the source of all my woes.
(First time commenter, please be gentle.)
I first saw you up at the roundtable at the Floating World, so I’ve been quietly reading along on your blog since then. I find I often agree with your observations and I really appreciate the writing you’re doing here.
In any case, I was at BRXX as well, and wanted to comment on the part of your post where you said-
Even though parts of it were bright, I remember it mostly as a miserable time. I cried out of sadness and anger on each day, and attempts to put into words the feelings I had while there will inevitably seem too trite, and too commonplace, to publish.
First of all, you are by no means alone in feeling these things. I can’t speak to the details or the WHY for you, as you haven’t elaborated, but I think many of us feel deep confliction about some of what we see and experience over the course of events like this.
And speaking as a Queer, I know all too well how going into spaces like Black Rose can feel very isolating at times, not neccesarily by design, just by the nature of the beast.
I’m not pushing you to write out what you experienced, but I wanted you to know that you might find it would resonate with more people than you might suspect.
Mainly, though, I don’t find any attempt to speak to such “trite” or “commonplace”, I think many people come home feeling some of these things, but put on their ‘happy faces’ when it comes to their own blog entries or in speaking to friends in their communities back home, and thus erase certain realities of of thier own experiences.
It can also be difficult to put full accounts out in public spaces because naturally, every word of such does seem to sooner or later make its way back to event organizers. Thus things that are not criticisms of them, but rather just genuine experience can sometimes be misunderstood.
Maymay, you so often put words to things that don’t get spoken of, at least broadly, whatever you do or do not choose to write about the event it’s appreciated.
Trust me, anyone (with half a clue) who has been around these events and spaces long enough takes one look at your “On Friends and Enemies” post and not only says to themselves, “Oh I have SOOOOOOO been there/endured that!”, but may also step back and say to themselves, “Ooo! He NAILED it! That’s EXACTLY what that’s like! Right down to the being ‘at the ready’ protective-wise.
We know these situations, we know these people, and your ability to write out the experience is helpful. Possibly even more helpful for people new to this who haven’t experienced such (yet!)
And precious few people are writing about these things publicly.
Thank you.
Do readers think I will haze them for commenting? :) I can’t decide if I like that enough to support the idea or not. Hehe…. But on a more serious tone, thanks for the comment, Habu. That was very nice of you to say.
I do wonder about that, sometimes. I’ve seen people do it, and I’ve been guilty of it in some instances myself, and it always reminds me of the common interaction where people who are feeling sad or depressed say they are “Fine” in response to the greeting, “How are you?”
Sophiste, I think you should give Black Rose a try. As May says, his experience might not be yours.
it always reminds me of the common interaction where people who are feeling sad or depressed say they are “Fine” in response to the greeting, “How are you?”,
Years ago I got in the habit of saying, “Well enough” if that was an accurate answer to that question.
I’ve gone to events and had a miserable time. It sucks. It’s like there’s this manufactured thing called “good time” happening all around you, and you know you’re supposed to be a part of it, but you feel outside of it and don’t know how to get in. I think the Saturday night of an event brings such pressure, or at least it does for me. You know, “Biggest night of the event! Most people in the dungeon! EVERYONE IS PLAYING!” that it can send me into a bit of a tailspin. Over the years I’ve realized that the success of an event, for me, is almost entirely dependent on who’s there. If I have friends there and these friends help me meet new people who I like, I have a great time. If I don’t know many people or the people I know are busy working the event or making other plans, I feel lonely and alone, and it keeps me from enjoying the event, even if classes or vending or the playspace are all wonderful. That’s just me. Perhaps if I were a more outgoing person, I could be the “make friends wherever I go” type, but… I’m just not.
Anyway, I think all of that was to say: I understand. And I sympathize.