Comments on: The rules of flirting are sexist and wrong http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/ Because 'kinky' is an adjective, not an activity Tue, 07 Feb 2012 16:25:25 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: On Being Bondage Furniture « Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-255762 On Being Bondage Furniture « Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed Mon, 05 Dec 2011 00:09:43 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-255762 [...] Why doesn’t anyone want to play with me the way I really want? Why am I not attractive? What am I doing wrong? What’s wrong with [...] [...] Why doesn’t anyone want to play with me the way I really want? Why am I not attractive? What am I doing wrong? What’s wrong with [...]

]]> By: DelvingintoDeviance http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-156181 DelvingintoDeviance Tue, 24 May 2011 11:09:40 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-156181 I can relate to this from the other side. When I was five I formed the 'kissy club' and would chase boys around on the playground and kiss them. At 6 I punched a boy in the stomach because I liked him. At 8 I would make sure I was sitting next to the object of my affections whenever I was with the boy scouts (my mother was troop leader, so I got to tag along). In middle school I wrote more than one boy love letters that were slipped into lockers. Somewhere around that time though, I started to realize that the boys didn't seem to like being pursued. Luckily this proclivity was never entirely squashed out, although I became somewhat more aware of it. I soon started dating women, who appreciated my efforts, and then when I started dating men again I'd explain away my tendency to buy them flowers as bits of my bisexuality that they'd just have to accept. More than one man was pleasantly surprised by this though (and I acknowledge that it doesn't really have anything to do with my bisexuality, but it seemed to make them feel more comfortable with it somehow). I don't really like being pursued. I can also relate to this comment by Sunshine: "For me, the act of being pursued or attracting feels mildly flattering but ultimately threatening...I feel much safer pursuing". However, I like continuing to take the active role much of the time in the bedroom. I like being the fucker. I also like getting fucked, but even then I like it being at my command, and I can be quite demanding. I also hate hate hate game playing. Oftentimes it seems like men think that because I'm pursuing them there must be something wrong with me, and I'm entirely unwilling to pretend like I'm not interested in order to maintain their attention. Once I've gathered enough information, I make my intentions clear. If that bothers a man, then tough. I'm better off without him. I can relate to this from the other side. When I was five I formed the ‘kissy club’ and would chase boys around on the playground and kiss them. At 6 I punched a boy in the stomach because I liked him. At 8 I would make sure I was sitting next to the object of my affections whenever I was with the boy scouts (my mother was troop leader, so I got to tag along). In middle school I wrote more than one boy love letters that were slipped into lockers. Somewhere around that time though, I started to realize that the boys didn’t seem to like being pursued.

Luckily this proclivity was never entirely squashed out, although I became somewhat more aware of it. I soon started dating women, who appreciated my efforts, and then when I started dating men again I’d explain away my tendency to buy them flowers as bits of my bisexuality that they’d just have to accept. More than one man was pleasantly surprised by this though (and I acknowledge that it doesn’t really have anything to do with my bisexuality, but it seemed to make them feel more comfortable with it somehow).

I don’t really like being pursued. I can also relate to this comment by Sunshine:

“For me, the act of being pursued or attracting feels mildly flattering but ultimately threatening…I feel much safer pursuing”.

However, I like continuing to take the active role much of the time in the bedroom. I like being the fucker. I also like getting fucked, but even then I like it being at my command, and I can be quite demanding.

I also hate hate hate game playing. Oftentimes it seems like men think that because I’m pursuing them there must be something wrong with me, and I’m entirely unwilling to pretend like I’m not interested in order to maintain their attention. Once I’ve gathered enough information, I make my intentions clear. If that bothers a man, then tough. I’m better off without him.

]]> By: lalouve http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-155778 lalouve Mon, 23 May 2011 15:45:23 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-155778 You sound very much like my partner, who likes to sit in a corner and look delectable. It's a reasonably good way to make sure that whoever picks you up is happy with making the first move. OTOH, what always bothers me is that I am expected to sit around and look pretty and wait for men to come to me. I like mutuality in my flirtation, and this would appear to make me anything from vaguely unfeminine to a slut, depending on who you ask. You sound very much like my partner, who likes to sit in a corner and look delectable. It’s a reasonably good way to make sure that whoever picks you up is happy with making the first move.
OTOH, what always bothers me is that I am expected to sit around and look pretty and wait for men to come to me. I like mutuality in my flirtation, and this would appear to make me anything from vaguely unfeminine to a slut, depending on who you ask.

]]> By: maymay http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-128964 maymay Fri, 25 Mar 2011 21:49:24 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-128964 Yes, <a href="#comment-128937" rel="nofollow">Sunshine</a>. This is familiar to me: <blockquote cite="#comment-128937">For me, the act of being pursued or attracting feels mildly flattering but ultimately threatening. Unless I already feel safe and attracted to the individual, which usually is brought upon by their indifference and careful detachment. I feel much safer pursuing, but then I usually end up with someone who feels far too comfortable in the passive role which I’m then ready to switch back into.</blockquote> This is, sadly, gendered. <a href="http://days.maybemaimed.com/post/1000525259/it-doesnt-matter-if-youve-never-done-anything-to" rel="nofollow">I'll quote Charlie Glickman</a>, who wrote <a href="http://www.charlieglickman.com/2010/08/the-most-important-thing-that-men-who-have-sex-with-women-need-to-know/" rel="nofollow">a whole post</a> about what you seem to be getting at: <blockquote cite="http://www.charlieglickman.com/2010/08/the-most-important-thing-that-men-who-have-sex-with-women-need-to-know/">It doesn’t matter if you’ve never done anything to make your partner unsafe. Simply by being a woman in this world, she has to put up with being less safe than you. And yes, I get that it’s not fair that you need to deal with the consequences of that. It’s not fair that she needs to deal with it and she doesn’t have a choice.</blockquote> This, and your comment, and my blog post, taken together is a perfect example of why and how the current sexist society we live in has real and damaging consequences on the relationships of people of all genders. While I acknowledge it seems counterintuitive to a lot of (ignorant) people, one reason <a href="http://maybemaimed.com/2010/04/30/yes-men-can-be-feminist-leaders/" rel="nofollow">men should be fighting against sexism</a> is so that they will have better sex lives. Yes, Sunshine. This is familiar to me:

For me, the act of being pursued or attracting feels mildly flattering but ultimately threatening. Unless I already feel safe and attracted to the individual, which usually is brought upon by their indifference and careful detachment. I feel much safer pursuing, but then I usually end up with someone who feels far too comfortable in the passive role which I’m then ready to switch back into.

This is, sadly, gendered. I’ll quote Charlie Glickman, who wrote a whole post about what you seem to be getting at:

It doesn’t matter if you’ve never done anything to make your partner unsafe. Simply by being a woman in this world, she has to put up with being less safe than you. And yes, I get that it’s not fair that you need to deal with the consequences of that. It’s not fair that she needs to deal with it and she doesn’t have a choice.

This, and your comment, and my blog post, taken together is a perfect example of why and how the current sexist society we live in has real and damaging consequences on the relationships of people of all genders. While I acknowledge it seems counterintuitive to a lot of (ignorant) people, one reason men should be fighting against sexism is so that they will have better sex lives.

]]> By: Sunshine http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-128937 Sunshine Fri, 25 Mar 2011 19:54:57 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-128937 "Pursuing feels like fucking, and attracting feels like getting fucked. When I have sex, I want to get fucked." This is a fascinating phrase. While I love attention and getting fucked, I desperately loathe being pursued and tend instead to be the pursuer. It's funny. I prefer to exercise all control over the getting to know you stage but then when it comes to sex I desperately want to be pursued/topped - just not before that point. This shit is confusing. For me, the act of being pursued or attracting feels mildly flattering but ultimately threatening. Unless I already feel safe and attracted to the individual, which usually is brought upon by their indifference and careful detachment. I feel much safer pursuing, but then I usually end up with someone who feels far too comfortable in the passive role which I'm then ready to switch back into. To go back to your phrase above, I think I'm only into getting fucked physically - not metaphorically. Strangely, the flirting preludes to the actual act have an entirely different flavor of getting fucked, and one that I am not at all interested in. I don't trust men who hit on me, yet I despise passivity in the bedroom itself. I have yet to find the win in this situation. “Pursuing feels like fucking, and attracting feels like getting fucked. When I have sex, I want to get fucked.”

This is a fascinating phrase. While I love attention and getting fucked, I desperately loathe being pursued and tend instead to be the pursuer. It’s funny. I prefer to exercise all control over the getting to know you stage but then when it comes to sex I desperately want to be pursued/topped – just not before that point. This shit is confusing.

For me, the act of being pursued or attracting feels mildly flattering but ultimately threatening. Unless I already feel safe and attracted to the individual, which usually is brought upon by their indifference and careful detachment. I feel much safer pursuing, but then I usually end up with someone who feels far too comfortable in the passive role which I’m then ready to switch back into.

To go back to your phrase above, I think I’m only into getting fucked physically – not metaphorically. Strangely, the flirting preludes to the actual act have an entirely different flavor of getting fucked, and one that I am not at all interested in. I don’t trust men who hit on me, yet I despise passivity in the bedroom itself. I have yet to find the win in this situation.

]]> By: It’s foggy today: how BDSM and sex can be emotional self-medication in a cruel world « Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-122886 It’s foggy today: how BDSM and sex can be emotional self-medication in a cruel world « Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed Fri, 11 Mar 2011 07:56:50 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-122886 [...] ignorance, every time I write or speak about this issue—and, yes every time I so much as try to flirt, far less actually have sex or play with someone—I am picking at scabs. On multiple levels, I [...] [...] ignorance, every time I write or speak about this issue—and, yes every time I so much as try to flirt, far less actually have sex or play with someone—I am picking at scabs. On multiple levels, I [...]

]]> By: Breaking Pornography’s Fourth Wall: Erotic satisfaction as a function of gaze « Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-117894 Breaking Pornography’s Fourth Wall: Erotic satisfaction as a function of gaze « Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed Thu, 24 Feb 2011 23:51:23 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-117894 [...] homo-gazing/object-identifying behavior while consuming porn can be described as the experience of desiring to be desired—an experience no less “natural” for men than women, despite the insistence of [...] [...] homo-gazing/object-identifying behavior while consuming porn can be described as the experience of desiring to be desired—an experience no less “natural” for men than women, despite the insistence of [...]

]]> By: My Beautiful Kind Profile: “Sex, like a bright candle, has no innate morality” « Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-70807 My Beautiful Kind Profile: “Sex, like a bright candle, has no innate morality” « Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed Fri, 29 Oct 2010 07:55:12 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-70807 [...] a tits, ass, pussy, etc. man?” question seems to be “Beauty tip:”, reifying how the rules of flirting are sexist and wrong), and which set of questions you are prompted with depends on Kendra’s read of your gender. [...] [...] a tits, ass, pussy, etc. man?” question seems to be “Beauty tip:”, reifying how the rules of flirting are sexist and wrong), and which set of questions you are prompted with depends on Kendra’s read of your gender. [...]

]]> By: MissMarguerite http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-43641 MissMarguerite Wed, 02 Jun 2010 22:53:16 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-43641 What I dislike the most is how as a woman I am considered too 'forward' or 'slut' like because I want to flirt or I want to take one what society considers the roles a man should take on in flirting. Flirting is however you want to make it and I agree that it is frustrating as hell if you want to act a different way from society's script. What I dislike the most is how as a woman I am considered too ‘forward’ or ‘slut’ like because I want to flirt or I want to take one what society considers the roles a man should take on in flirting. Flirting is however you want to make it and I agree that it is frustrating as hell if you want to act a different way from society’s script.

]]> By: Jayunderscorezero http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-13540 Jayunderscorezero Tue, 19 May 2009 20:53:38 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/12/the-rules-of-flirting-are-sexist-and-wrong/#comment-13540 Thank you <i>so much</i> for writing this. I followed your link here from MSA and have to say that I pretty much could not agree more with what you've put here. Flirting is so frustrating when one is male but not the 'pursuer' type. Thank you so much for writing this. I followed your link here from MSA and have to say that I pretty much could not agree more with what you’ve put here. Flirting is so frustrating when one is male but not the ‘pursuer’ type.

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