Comments on: Three easy steps to meeting and playing with people in BDSM clubs http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/ Because 'kinky' is an adjective, not an activity Fri, 18 May 2012 00:29:39 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: James http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-11301 James Wed, 15 Apr 2009 03:52:20 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-11301 Nice set of rules. I think- Make Conversations- gets overlooked easily and often. But really is a very natural and easy way to make connections fast. Nice set of rules. I think- Make Conversations- gets overlooked easily and often. But really is a very natural and easy way to make connections fast.

]]> By: maymay http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1247 maymay Thu, 03 Jan 2008 19:57:25 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1247 That's a great little piece of writing. Thanks for sharing it with me, SJ. That’s a great little piece of writing. Thanks for sharing it with me, SJ.

]]> By: SJ http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1243 SJ Thu, 03 Jan 2008 17:45:34 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1243 Link on the idea of scarcity - he's writing about how we don't perceive options, because they scare us. This seems to relate a little to play options - do we wall ourselves off from forms of play we might chase, which might be an option? <a href='http://theferrett.livejournal.com/1031094.html' rel="nofollow">http://theferrett.livejournal.com/1031094.html</a> Link on the idea of scarcity – he’s writing about how we don’t perceive options, because they scare us. This seems to relate a little to play options – do we wall ourselves off from forms of play we might chase, which might be an option?

http://theferrett.livejournal.com/1031094.html

]]> By: Eden http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1200 Eden Mon, 31 Dec 2007 23:08:18 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1200 <i>Vanilla rules apply. Just as certain common-sense rules of etiquette are followed in non-kink spaces, so too must they all be followed in kink spaces outside of a scene. If you’re not invited to be a part of someone’s scene, that means you’re not in a scene, clear? Being in a BDSM dungeon does not implicitly grant anyone the right to be rude to, to invade the personal space of, or otherwise behave poorly towards anyone else, no matter who you are or who they are. End of story.</i> Thank you for saying this! I have been so angry about just this lately. I know I'm coming late to the comment table on this post, but I'm so glad you said this. Thanks again! Vanilla rules apply. Just as certain common-sense rules of etiquette are followed in non-kink spaces, so too must they all be followed in kink spaces outside of a scene. If you’re not invited to be a part of someone’s scene, that means you’re not in a scene, clear? Being in a BDSM dungeon does not implicitly grant anyone the right to be rude to, to invade the personal space of, or otherwise behave poorly towards anyone else, no matter who you are or who they are. End of story.

Thank you for saying this! I have been so angry about just this lately. I know I’m coming late to the comment table on this post, but I’m so glad you said this. Thanks again!

]]> By: tom paine http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1167 tom paine Sat, 29 Dec 2007 18:14:55 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1167 Very sensible in all respects. It's surprising how people in ALT lifestyles forget the most common sense rules of polite behavior. If we're going to be intimate, all the more reason to be someone I'd enjoy having dinner or a drink with, not some selfish piece of meat. Very sensible in all respects. It’s surprising how people in ALT lifestyles forget the most common sense rules of polite behavior. If we’re going to be intimate, all the more reason to be someone I’d enjoy having dinner or a drink with, not some selfish piece of meat.

]]> By: Rona http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1166 Rona Sat, 29 Dec 2007 18:09:33 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1166 Dev, I don't know if you're reading follow-up comments, but I'm curious as to your reasons for disliking men holding doors open for women. Is it a gender inequality thing? I have to admit I'm personally a big fan of politeness.... but that just means whomever gets to the door first holds the door open for whomever is following - regardless of gender. :) My initial reaction to your comment was "Really?" but then it occurred to me that I often find the practice somewhat insulting myself. You know, I'd go on, but I think I actually want to write about this at length, so I'm going to do so in a place that's not taking over May's comment section. Dev,

I don’t know if you’re reading follow-up comments, but I’m curious as to your reasons for disliking men holding doors open for women.

Is it a gender inequality thing? I have to admit I’m personally a big fan of politeness…. but that just means whomever gets to the door first holds the door open for whomever is following – regardless of gender. :)

My initial reaction to your comment was “Really?” but then it occurred to me that I often find the practice somewhat insulting myself. You know, I’d go on, but I think I actually want to write about this at length, so I’m going to do so in a place that’s not taking over May’s comment section.

]]> By: maymay http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1162 maymay Sat, 29 Dec 2007 07:14:50 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1162 Dev, Eileen, thanks for bringing up those good points. They are important enough yet distinct enough that they belong in a new list, not this list. Thanks. Dev, Eileen, thanks for bringing up those good points. They are important enough yet distinct enough that they belong in a new list, not this list. Thanks.

]]> By: Eileen http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1161 Eileen Sat, 29 Dec 2007 05:31:18 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1161 Although I don't think this is a rule that needs to be added to your list, I wanted to point out a guideline that helps a lot when being approached, as opposed to approaching: Be polite. Everyone, top, bottom, whathaveyou, has every right to express or not express interest in a potential scene. However, one of the hardest things for me, personally, was learning to say no (or yes) to offers *politely.* Mostly this was because I was receiving offers for scenes from strangers when I was a. new, and b. alone in Paddles. (No longer the case, as I never go alone any more.) As such, saying no would get me flustered, and often I would be ruder than I meant to be simply because I felt uncomfortable. I think this may be part of the "give more to get more" theory. Had I not been so abrupt and cut myself off from people trying to talk to me, I might have made more friends and felt more comfortable, while still maintaining my own space and playing only when I truly wanted to. You're much more likely to be asked to play by receptive friendly people if you are also receptive and friendly. Also, to expand upon the "make conversation" item, it is incredibly valuable to everyone involved if, when asking someone to play, you're able to clearly articulate your interests, limits, and needs. Being able to do so shows forethought, care, smarts and self-preservation, all things that are highly likable (and in some cases necessary) in a potential play partner. Although I don’t think this is a rule that needs to be added to your list, I wanted to point out a guideline that helps a lot when being approached, as opposed to approaching: Be polite. Everyone, top, bottom, whathaveyou, has every right to express or not express interest in a potential scene. However, one of the hardest things for me, personally, was learning to say no (or yes) to offers *politely.* Mostly this was because I was receiving offers for scenes from strangers when I was a. new, and b. alone in Paddles. (No longer the case, as I never go alone any more.) As such, saying no would get me flustered, and often I would be ruder than I meant to be simply because I felt uncomfortable.

I think this may be part of the “give more to get more” theory. Had I not been so abrupt and cut myself off from people trying to talk to me, I might have made more friends and felt more comfortable, while still maintaining my own space and playing only when I truly wanted to.

You’re much more likely to be asked to play by receptive friendly people if you are also receptive and friendly.

Also, to expand upon the “make conversation” item, it is incredibly valuable to everyone involved if, when asking someone to play, you’re able to clearly articulate your interests, limits, and needs. Being able to do so shows forethought, care, smarts and self-preservation, all things that are highly likable (and in some cases necessary) in a potential play partner.

]]> By: Dev http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1160 Dev Sat, 29 Dec 2007 05:25:19 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1160 A guy (a dom) at my club once yelled at me and called me a "fucking idiot" when I expressed my dislike for men holding doors open for women. The following week, he apologized, and offered me a scene. I very politely said no, and his response was, "I only ask once." It just confirmed my sense that he was a jackass. My other unfavorite thing that happens in this domain is when I have a really nice conversation with a guy for a long time, and then he tells me that he's not comfortable playing in public, but would like to play with me in private. Sorry, but I go to the club because I like playing in public (partly because it's safer, with people I don't know well). My dad (one of those annoying people who is all about sales) used to say, "If you can't buy it over the phone, you can't sell it over the phone," and the same partly applies here - if you won't play with me at the club, you can't seduce me at the club. A guy (a dom) at my club once yelled at me and called me a “fucking idiot” when I expressed my dislike for men holding doors open for women. The following week, he apologized, and offered me a scene. I very politely said no, and his response was, “I only ask once.” It just confirmed my sense that he was a jackass.

My other unfavorite thing that happens in this domain is when I have a really nice conversation with a guy for a long time, and then he tells me that he’s not comfortable playing in public, but would like to play with me in private. Sorry, but I go to the club because I like playing in public (partly because it’s safer, with people I don’t know well). My dad (one of those annoying people who is all about sales) used to say, “If you can’t buy it over the phone, you can’t sell it over the phone,” and the same partly applies here – if you won’t play with me at the club, you can’t seduce me at the club.

]]> By: axe http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1153 axe Sat, 29 Dec 2007 01:50:27 +0000 http://maybemaimed.com/2007/12/28/three-easy-steps-to-meeting-and-playing-with-people-in-bdsm-clubs/#comment-1153 Thanks May. What with the new year days away I've been thinking about what I should do differently. I rarely go to any play-parties (5 or so in the past year) though when I do I just go looking for friends since most dominant women arrive with a partner. I've focused mainly on the dating websites that are geared to BDSM but I've decided that's not the best venue to find someone for me. You're 100% correct when it comes to all of these rules, I've found that the old saying "just be yourself" works for me. Thanks for the heads up on the DSF event. I'm sure there will be quite the line of single guys ready to go in (myself included). Thanks May. What with the new year days away I’ve been thinking about what I should do differently.

I rarely go to any play-parties (5 or so in the past year) though when I do I just go looking for friends since most dominant women arrive with a partner.

I’ve focused mainly on the dating websites that are geared to BDSM but I’ve decided that’s not the best venue to find someone for me.

You’re 100% correct when it comes to all of these rules, I’ve found that the old saying “just be yourself” works for me.

Thanks for the heads up on the DSF event. I’m sure there will be quite the line of single guys ready to go in (myself included).

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