Things have been a little bit busy in my life lately, and for once the busyness has not been solely professionally-driven. Though I am working on a number of very exciting things, my days have been excitingly full because after I work hard, I come home to Eileen and we play hard. The play, however, hasn’t been the same sort of stuff we used to do. I think isolation from our friends and community and our efforts in our respective professional lives have actually helped us enjoy our time together.
As we usually do, when we reconnect like this, we talk. A lot. Recently, though I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, the huge blocks of time I’ve set aside to work on writing about web development professionally have also yielded some time to write erotica on the side again. (As an aside, that, and crossing paths with the intriguing Ranat has led to some renewed interest in my hypertextual porn experiments.) I actually have the beginnings of a very promising short story based on a more-or-less off-handed remark that Kink in Exile made, which I found really sexy.
Anyway, one thing led to another and in the conversations Eileen and I have been having, the fact that I find it ridiculously hard to speak about my fantasies came out. It may be surprising to some of you, but it’s true: verbalizing my fantasies out loud is unusually difficult for me. Writing about them is for some reason relatively easy. Making my mouth move (which I can do) so that sounds come out of it and form words that describe my fantasies (which I rarely do) is inexplicably hard, even when I’m alone with her. I often literally just lose my breath. This clearly poses a few challenges to discussing such things, and it’s something both Eileen and I would like to see me be more comfortable with.
On a largely unrelated note (no, really), tonight’s also my 31st day denied an orgasm, which is the longest I’ve ever gone since, well, since I was 9 or 10 and began masturbating. This is significant not due to the time span, but rather because it happened thanks to an increasingly apparent shift in Eileen’s attitude and comfort level with my being denied. As she put it, “I simply no longer have any sense of guilt about denying you.” Then she paused for a moment with a thoughtful look on her face before casually adding, “You should probably be scared about that, by the way.” That was the comment that has hatched a swarm of butterflies in my stomach, which—since last night—has yet to dissipate.
There’s quite a bit more to say about this that I’ll be saving for later. In the mean time, suffice it to say that I was given a few tasks today, one of which was to write and then read a short fantasy “snapshot” (a brief moment or vignette) to her. Coming up with what to write was unsurprisingly easy, but reading it aloud at dinner tonight was actually very, very challenging. This is what I wrote and then, yes, read to her.
The thin rope tasted dry and scratchy in my parched mouth. I opened my mouth wider and extended my tongue as far as I could just so I could feel the cool air. Some of my muscles felt cramped, the cause of which was not the immobilizing bondage I was in but my own exertion. Although she was quiet now, her earlier words still sounded deafening. “Be good, my beautiful toy. Hush and hold out until I want you to come,” she had told me in her kind, almost charitable voice, for what she was doing to me now was indeed generous.
For the first time in longer than I care to recount, one of her hands had spent a pleasurable eternity slickly caressing, gripping, pulling, stroking, and pumping my cock. Her other hand alternated between doing the same to my balls, thighs, and perineum. Occasionally, when she would tire of her manual ministrations, she played with the remote controls of the large, self-propelling vibrating prostate massager she had inserted into my ass and I could hear her giggling with enjoyment as she varied its intensity. Eventually, she would always find a combination of settings for the machine that she seemed happy with and resumed stimulating my penis, complete with a fresh dollop of lubricant. The only indication I had as to how long she’d been playing with me was provided by the increasing wetness dripping onto my thighs and torso, and my own growing incoherence after each frustrating edge, as I had lost all sense of time early on.
After a while, I could no longer decide if her actions were merciful or torturous since for ages even prior to this she hadn’t given me any indication whether some sort of relief was in sight. I couldn’t see through the opaque bondage tape that covered my eyes, but somehow I could tell she was smiling. She loved watching me struggle—and suffer—and so she would make games out of tantalizing me more and more. This was her most satisfying form of amusement and I am, after all, one of her favorite toys.
There’s no doubt that intense control, teasing, and orgasm denial are on my mind of late. (I mean, hell, it has been over four weeks now!) The fact of the matter is that since this particular kink is a fetish of mine—orgasm control is an integral part of my understanding of my own sexuality—for me, when we play with such things and when Eileen actively takes control of my sexual pleasure to choose when and how I get it, it’s a wonderful tool for catalyzing lots of other possibilities.
Now, I look forward to a cozy night of cuddling, snugly locked in my chastity device. If only I had checked that store’s hours earlier in the day, I might have had other things to look forward to, as well….
What an interesting post! But damn, it’s bedtime and all I want to do is click on those links and go on reading… Another day, then. Can you believe I haven’t even gotten around to listen to that recording of yours, yet? The one about teasing and denial? I started to, tonight, I really did! So I heard you guys :D But I had stuff to finish and had to keep it yet again for later. Damn.
Good night ;)
@Elle, my blog isn’t going anywhere. You can come back read the linked posts whenever you want to. :) As usual, I’d love feedback if you feel like leaving some in comments. What did you find “interesting” about this post?
I wonder, do you think that in writing your fantasies you are disconnected, as if you are a third party who is only involved in reporting, not actually experiencing?
Maybe having to speak the works connects you, makes you interactive with the fantasy, making it an experience you are sharing with someone else, and in that sharing there is a vulnerability?
@BBW Switch, that’s very astute. I don’t think it’s so much that speaking the words connects me with the fantasy since the act of writing them is very much what solidifies them as real to me. Merely giving words to my fantasies, regardless of whether those words are written or spoken, makes the fantasy real.
However, there is a certain vulnerability in speaking to another person that is not present when I can simply give that other person something to read. If I were to use the vocabulary you’ve used above, I would say that handing someone a fantasy I have written that they can read themselves is what disconnects me from the sharing of the fantasy, and this is not possible when I am speaking to them and our communication is more synchronous.
Thanks for your comment. It made me think a bit.
“ ‘I simply no longer have any sense of guilt about denying you.’ …swarm of butterflies in my stomach…”
Yum. Just plain sexyriffic!
Omg, someone linked to me. Kuh-RAZY. Thanks. :)
I’ve got ideas for the HTporn, and some of them are even written down, but I think I need to start with some vignettes and I have difficulty keeping shit short. Ah well, way to expand my horizons.
Sweet remote-control vibrator. One of the better instances of high-tech technology. Ehehehe…
@Ranat, anything you want to write on the HTPorn should be accessible to you, and it doesn’t have to be in a “finished” state for you to put it up there—that’s the whole point of a wiki! :D (Of course, email me if you have tech issues.)
Also, yes…remote control is probably the single sexiest thing about technology since the wheel. :)
@roo-roo: Yeah, sexyriffic would be one way I’d describe it….
Well, I especially liked your little bit of erotica, your vignette. I liked that she made you write it and read it aloud, since you have such a hard time vocalizing your fantasies. I thought it was well written, on your part, and a good move on her part ;)
Of course, I liked the paragraph about this being your 31st day without orgasm (32nd now I presume).
Anyway, those were my highlights. But I just generally like reading you ;)
@Elle:
Thank you! :) I’m always nervous when I share bits of fiction instead of non-fiction. For me, non-fiction is and always has been so much easier to make public. If you’re interested in more of fiction that I write, check out the Hyperfiction stuff I’d like to start, especially the StoriesList page for now.
Heh, yeah, that’s obviously a highlight for me, too. It’ll be the start of my 33rd day denied an orgasm at about 10 PM tonight, so yes, 32nd now.
When I think of the time span, what strikes me is that I remember when 5 days was a long time. At that point, we only had reason enough to count the time between my releases in days. Then we eventually started counting in days and weeks, so it was rare that I’d get an orgasm after any length of time that was less than a week. Never before have we had a reason to count in months, so if this history is an accurate prediction of the future, I’ve got good reasons to feel (excited and) very nervous.
Again, thanks. ^_^;;
I’m wondering if your discomfort in articulating your fantasies actually eroticises it… I get the impression that it doesn’t, but that would totally work for me!
Interestingly, your Orgasm Logger ™ counter shows a huge “Error” right now. Perhaps it doesn’t count above a certain number…? Funny!
Ferns
33 days? That is indeed bragable.
I hope that Tyr’s too busy to read this post for a while, as we’ve been forging ahead in this exact vein lately and this sounds like a great thing to try. We both have the fantasy-describing problem you mentioned, but he’s been getting more effusive lately and hoo boy do I want to encourage that.
Also, small gripe: T&D scenes are incredibly easy to interrupt! I got sick last weekend, making me a bundle of crankiness, sleep, and phlegm. This is not sexy for either of us, and it’s sapping my top-mojo because I’m not in control of my own body. I’m more likely to faceplant into bed than to spend a few minutes making him squirm, which is annoying for everyone.
But I’m getting better, and you’ve just inspired me anew. So stay tuned.
@Ferns:
Do you mean something along the lines of the discomfort in verbalizing my fantasies is, itself, an erotic experience? If so, then the answer is both yes and no. Discomfort and embarrassment, shyness and vulnerability, can both (all, actually) be erotic experiences, and I do indeed enjoy the eroticism of such sensations at times. That said, articulating fantasies verbally like this isn’t something that I find particularly erotic, so I’m inclined to believe that there is something else to this specific manifestation of anxiety.
:D That would truly be a scary thought! No, the reason there is an error is because the Orgasm Logger counter is actually down and has been offline for some time, sadly. I’m developing a new one, however, and you’re welcome to subscribe to the announcement list if you’re interested in it at OrgasmLogger.com. You can also track the development of the site at trac.OrgasmLogger.com.
As mentioned, I’m pretty busy these days so such personal projects as the Orgasm Logger are taking a back seat to Real Life, but I do hope to eventually get it up and running again soon.
@Maja:
Wow, “effusive” is a good word! (Yes, I had to look that up.)
When you look at this particular cup half-full, all you’re really talking about is extending the T&D scene for a while. ;)
I’m glad for you that I’ve “inspired you anew,” and please send my apologies to Tyr for doing exactly that.
Hugs for you both!
[...] Maymay wrote about his extended chastity here. Obviously my daydreams aren’t nearly as close as what the reality would probably be. I [...]
“the fact that I find it ridiculously hard to speak about my fantasies came out. It may be surprising to some of you, but it’s true”
Nice to read that – because I am feeling the same and thought, I was the only one. I can express my thoughts, feelings and fantasies easy by written words to my loved one, but it is very hard for me to speak them out.
Last time I tried to record a “video podcast” before our session and I wanted to fix myself into a bondage, with a hood, blindfolded etc. and leave the laptop with the video-message for her. So I thought, I could speak to her without speaking to her ;-). (BTW: The videofile was corrupt and I wasn’t able to fix it before our date, so I will try it again.)
But interesting enough: It was very hard for me to speak in front of a camera, but technically alone in my room. Strange.
a.
@a.:
That’s not strange, it makes perfect sense. It proves the point that the difficulty people like you and I have verbalizing our sexual fantasies and desires out loud to the people we love and care for has much more to do with us than with them. ;)
Thanks for leaving a comment, and welcome, since I believe it was your first here.
[...] then I stopped, because I read a post of Maymay’s in which he reports a declaration from Eileen: “I simply no longer have any sense of guilt [...]