that’s so facile!

That’s because it’s not the whole story, Clarisse. Can any blog post be the whole story? I take issue not with the content of your message but with the criticism you seem to have that failing to encompass the entirety of an issue in a single blog post is irresponsible of me. Totally fair criticism, but it strikes me as somewhat off point.

Exactly.

Yes, obviously — but that’s so facile! Saying that it’s time for people to come out, or that the first people who do it will pave the way for later people, doesn’t actually address the question of making sure that people know the consequences; it sidesteps it. (And we can’t say that the consequences of being out about something like BDSM are necessarily so obvious that it’s ethical to just exhort outness and not warn of the potential consequences. Lots of people don’t know about the child custody cases, for instance.)

i find a lot of your points interesting, although i don’t know when, if ever, i will actually connect my real name with my blog name.

And you never have to. It’s up to you how to manage it. You’ll note, my real name only appears on this blog a scant handful of times. I don’t keep it a secret, which is what makes the difference, but I also don’t pepper every post with it. That’s purposeful.

about how coming out is a big risk: sure it is, for the first few people who *do* it, but those people will pave the way and make it so much easier for other people who follow. challenging the status quo may be difficult, or risky, but it needs to be challenged, imho. in this case, at least.

Exactly.

i appreciate you writing this post. you might be interested to know that shortly after those tweets, i decided to begin the coming-out process: http://heartbreaknympho.com/2009/11/16/baby-steps/

some of the things that you mentioned briefly in this post were reasons why i decided to do this. i’ve always recognized that internet anonymity doesn’t really exist. i’m sure there are technologically-savvy ways to trace my “anonymous” work back to me; but that aside, i knew that if someone tried hard enough, they could piece enough information together to figure out who i was. while my anonymity provided the security to say things that i otherwise wouldn’t be comfortable saying, i was constantly worried about whether or not i was censoring enough information, whether i was effectively preserving my anonymity. i also recognized that if someone *else* outed me, through blackmail or otherwise, that person would have control/power over me, and by outing myself, i would be taking control over my own image.

i find a lot of your points interesting, although i don’t know when, if ever, i will actually connect my real name with my blog name. i think i’d be happiest working at a place where sexblogging and expression of alternative sexuality didn’t even matter, or if it was considered okay, and i’m actually very interested in working for an org. centered around gender/sexuality/LGBT issues/sex-positivity. so the sex-related material i have out there might even turn out to be an asset rather than something i have to hide :)

so far, i’ve outed myself to the people i write about in my blog, and to some of my friends, and they are obviously spreading the news to other friends, too. i’m not making any effort to announce my status as a sexblogger from the rooftops. but if someone asks me about it, i’ll tell them. and perhaps not everyone who i know will find out, but that’s fine. i don’t feel this pressure, this worry, to hide anymore, and it’s a big relief. concerning the people who i’ve written about, it’s actually created a lot of positive dialogue between me and them, which is great.

as a response to a few of the previous comments about how coming out is a big risk: sure it is, for the first few people who *do* it, but those people will pave the way and make it so much easier for other people who follow. challenging the status quo may be difficult, or risky, but it needs to be challenged, imho. in this case, at least.

I’ve been working on the belief that it’s reasonable to think that no-one will ever care enough to do the work and dig enough to find the things I don’t want found. Is that reasonable, or are there hordes of malicious people prying into everyone’s personal life just for fun?

That’s a really good question, James. I can’t claim to be 100% certain of the reality in all cases because factors like “the things you don’t want found” and “no-one who cares enough” are really difficult to quantify. And they’re probably also different for different people. I do have a generally optimistic outlook about this, though: I don’t believe hordes of malicious people prying into people’s personal lives for fun is the norm.

To use an analogy, I recently watched an episode of Penn & Teller’s Bullshit! called “Stranger Danger.” In the show, they cite statistics that say in 2006, there were 115 incidents of strangers abducting kids reported to law enforcement. Of those cases, 50% resulted in the death of the kids. Now, that’s a tragedy, but it’s also only about 50 kids in a country of 300 million people, 75 million of which are children. So that’s a 1 in 1.5 million chance that you (or your kid) will suffer such a horrible fate. The upshot is that, while it’s certainly understandable to fear such a circumstance, if you live your life worrying about a 1 in 1.5 million chance, you’re not going to have much of a life to live.

Similarly, while there are certainly people willing and able to do you harm on the Internet, I see little reason to let the fear of potential damage stop me from reaping the proven benefits of honesty.

That said, I do think that Maymay was good about, after an initial plug for the value of complete transparency, mentioning that his post focuses on how to make sure “that your non-kink stuff shows up on google before the kink stuff.” While I agree with Clarisse that this perspective is largely a product of a privileged working environment that, in no way, renders it invalid. It just is an important part of framing the concepts and values presented here.

Finally, I have a lay question for Maymay. I already know that there’s no such thing as true anonymity anymore – not on the internet or anywhere else for that matter – but I’ve been working on the belief that it’s reasonable to think that no-one will ever care enough to do the work and dig enough to find the things I don’t want found. Is that reasonable, or are there hordes of malicious people prying into everyone’s personal life just for fun?

I think this is brilliant and required reading.

Thanks, Sera.

And since it seems that I have to say it again, again, I agree with you. I’m just worried about informed consent, that’s all.

Clarisse, I do understand what you’re saying and that you agree with me. :) As I mentioned earlier, I think harping on the potential dangers of being out is neither here nor there with regards to this post, just as harping on the potential dangers of play piercing would be neither here nor there if you wrote a post on how awesome play piercing is. I don’t expect every single blog post I read to contain cautions and disclaimers; that’s not the kind of shrink-wrapped, warning-label world I want to live in or perpetuate.

I think this was stated succinctly by @knitmeapony and @diabola on Twitter:

Yes, I am a woman. It is not my responsibility to teach about feminism. It is not my responsibility to educate about sexual assault.

Yes, I am a survivor. It is not my responsibility to educate you about PTSD, or panic attacks, or triggering events.

Just like it is not a PoC’s responsibility to teach me about antiracism or a disabled person’s job to teach me about disability rights.

It is my job to educate myself so I do not act like a privileged jerk [...] not criticize the tone of someone educating me.

(I’m not calling you a privileged jerk, I’m just quoting the tweets, which I think are relevant.)