Thursday, October 30, 2008

Being someone’s fucktoy: Who’s objectifying who?

Category labels: BDSM psychology, Blowjobs, D/s dynamics, Male sexuality, Myths and misconceptions, Personal experience

Being home alone is sometimes really great and sometimes really dangerous. It’s great because I am often at my most productive when I have a silent, empty apartment and I’m alone with my thoughts. I guess this is where my muse is. It’s dangerous because I never know what my muse is going to inspire me to do, and it’s rarely what I had planned. Ah well, the things I have to do always seem to eventually even out with the things I’m inspired to do over time.

In any event, tonight my muse is Tilda, who writes about her desire to be sexually used and objectified. Further, she does so with quite a flair for the OMGSEXY, if you asked me (or Axe, from whose blog I saw the post linked). In her post, Tilda writes:

[The story] revolved around a girl who “belonged” to this motorcycle gang (of course). She was there be fucked, a party favor. She lay naked in bed and throughout the evening guys would come in, fuck her and go. In and out whenever they pleased. She was just expected to lie there and keep her legs spread.

[…]

Lucky for me, I don’t have to find a shady bathroom in the back of a porn shop or befriend a motorcycle gang because I know someone who knows some penises.

Then she goes on to describe the hot sex she had one night when her “emcee” arranged for one such penis to fuck her. That’s the pr0n part, in case you’re wondering. You should go read it if you’re in the mood, or maybe if you’re not yet in the mood.

What struck me, though, was the way she referred to that guy in the beginning. She called him a penis, nothing more and nothing less. It got me wondering, because I’ve often had similar thoughts as she has, who’s objectifying who?

Now admittedly, the closest I’ve ever come to experiencing something like what Tilda describes was a conversation that I paraphrase here with pronouns changed to protect the innocent:

“Hey may, what are you doing tonight?”

“Uh, not much. At my computer reading articles. Why?”

“Want to come to [the House] and get a blowjob?”

“Uh…what?”

“One of [Mistress Name's] clients wants a forced bi session and the first dude cancelled at the last minute. We have, like, 2 hours to find another guy or she’ll lose the session.”

“Thanks, but, I don’t really think that’s my kind of scene.”

“Oh, don’t worry, he’ll be blindfolded the whole time. He’ll never see you. You can be blindfolded too, if that’ll help.”

“Um, yeah, no. Thanks but no thanks. Good luck finding someone, though.”

I turned the offer down (and there have been more than one offer, which some part of me supposes I should be happy about) because I don’t have any interest in helping some prodomme I have never heard of before keep a session. The question at hand is pretty ridiculously obvious: what’s in it for me? I may be a primitive male, but (unlike what some researchers seem to think) a blowjob, especially one I’m being solicited for to help someone else make money, just isn’t worth it.

Anyway, what I found erotic about Tilda’s post is that it’s difficult to discern exactly who’s objectifying who in her retelling of the scene. Is she being objectified by being the fucktoy for this random guy, or is she objectifying the man fucking her, using him solely for his pseudo-dominant presence and role as a “mere user” of her body. There’s certainly no doubt that in my mind, I construct fantasies of dominant personas all the time, and I have no qualms about getting off to these fantasies and ideas. Surely there’s some kind of objectification going on there, too, despite the fact that I’m always the bottom, always the one getting fucked, in this lustful fiction.

One of the reasons that thought process is so arousing for me is because it’s an exemplary circumstance in which to exert my submissive will. That is, it’s an example of active (not passive) submission, and I like actively participating in my own submission. I mean, if I’m not engaged, if I’m just doing it so some prodomme I don’t know will get her paycheck…well, fuck, what’s the point?

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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Fun with kissing

Category labels: BDSM psychology, Blowjobs, D/s dynamics, Femdom, Male sexuality, Masculinity, Sex

Kissing seems to have been a popular topic to write about the other day. Both Ilya and Dev wrote about kissing on the same day, and both entries are interesting. Ilya spoke about her disinterest in kissing, and about social pressures that have made one’s first kiss a sort of “right of passage.” In a similar vein, Dev wrote about her revelation that kissing is only interesting if done in a certain way, that is, if she’s on top.

Both posts have struck a strand of truth in me, but not a full chord. My take on kissing is rather different. I like kissing a lot, though my enjoyment from the activity is not the same as other forms of sexual touching. Kissing is different because for me it usually acts as a sort of lens, focusing whatever other forms of sex are happening at the moment, or serving as a physical signal that the mood or the feelings have changed. Maybe because of this, it is also the kind of sexual touch I find to be the most malleable, almost chameleon-like in its ability to be easily subverted for whatever purpose I want to use it for; expressing being a top, a bottom, a dom, a sub, a man, a woman, or something else entirely can all be accomplished by kissing a certain way.

Sometimes this is subtle and sometimes it’s not. Kissing is excellent foreplay and, indeed, that’s what it usually is for me and Eileen. Typically, Eileen will be the one who initiates a sexually-charged kiss and, like Dev, she is typically on top (literally and figuratively) when she does so. I like this because, unlike many other forms of sexual expression, this is one kind of activity that I have not found men to find awkward as a receptive partner, so being kissed passionately never gives me that twinge of “I am not a ‘normal’ man” discomfort that other kinds of sex acts (like getting pegged) sometimes do.

When either she or I feel that the moment is right for a switch from foreplay to something else, or from a switch in mood to another mood, changing how we are kissing is often how we communicate that non-verbally. A common motif I think most people can relate to is beginning to kiss one another on the lips and then moving to kiss the other elsewhere. In this way, it’s a natural segue-way into other orally-based activities like cunnilingus or fellatio, or even nibbling, licking, and biting. Biting in particular can be joyously erotically cruel for me, because it’s one of those things I don’t actually enjoy the experience of, so kisses interspersed with bites of my lip immediately put me in a submissive mindset.

One interesting fact I seem to recall about kissing, and I wish I could remember where I heard this so I could cite the source, is that kissing the average person on the lips will stimulate approximately thirty percent of that person’s directly sexually-responsive nerves. I don’t know how to verify the validity of that claim, but I know that kissing well is a major physical turn-on for me. In fact, I am physically aroused whenever I feel soft pressure on my lips it regardless of the source. Another person’s lips is, on a physical level, simply one of those sources.

Sometimes, in fact, such other sources of lip-stimulating sensations can be even more arousing than a simple kiss. One such example are the times when Eileen will run a single finger across my lips. This, I discovered after some thinking, is probably because the activity of placing one’s hands near another person’s mouth is heavily steeped in power dynamics and a display of dominance is, to me, far more arousing than the act of being touched.

Another part of why I like this finger-over-my-lips thing is because it makes me feel sultry, as though she is admiring me as if I were sexual art. It is objectifying in a satisfyingly primal way, a way that tells me I am wanted because I have some kind of sexual value to her. It is depressing and angering that in the pervasive representations of male sexuality I can find, this way of valuing men is actively rejected; both the typical representations of male submission in various BDSM cultures as well as the hegemonic view of masculinity turn men into sexually obsessed consumers of another gender’s aesthetic qualities.

In any event, with that much potential for sensitivity stored in the lips, it’s also easy to see why kissing can easily become the main attraction in a sexual encounter. Make out sessions are fun in their own right, and sometimes the mystery and anticipation of whether or not they lead to anything beyond is part of their fun as well. Also, kissing someone doesn’t just engage the mouth, it engages many of one’s other senses, like smell and sight, to an arguably lesser extent, sound as well since all of those sensory organs are near the mouth. Kissing is one of the most complete sensory sexual experiences you can have. Little wonder kissing, whether you’re kissing your partner’s lips or kissing their genitals, can be so much fun.

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Friday, August 10, 2007

The first blowjob I’ve ever bottomed to

Category labels: BDSM psychology, BDSM techniques, Blowjobs, Chastity/Orgasm denial, D/s dynamics, Femdom, Personal experience, Politics of sex, Relationship, Sex, Sexual teasing and control

This morning a friend asked me to give her an image that turns me on, followed by an image that is iconic of a “top” or a “domme” and then to determine whether the answers to those two questions share any key visual elements. Yes, this friend’s really smart, by the way.

In response, I told her that the first thing that popped into my mind of an image that turns me on was Eileen‘s lips and tongue during the blowjob she unexpectedly gave me last night, but that’s only because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it for the past twelve hours or so. In fact, if my friend had asked me for an image that turns me on another day, I probably wouldn’t have said blowjobs at all.

The last significant mouth-on-penis action I’ve received hasn’t been for more than two and a half years. Before that I wasn’t even that excited about blowjobs. Handjobs always felt better to me anyway, so I wasn’t very interested in getting them, though I don’t think I ever turned down the opportunity. All my partners were far more skilled with their hands than their mouths anyway but more interestingly—and more to the point—I liked handjobs more because it was easier to bottom to them.

Few men can deny the fact that having someone else’s hands around your genitals can be a vulnerable position. Of course, it isn’t always intended that way (unless you’re me, in which case it probably is) but our culture is saturated with images and stories of men’s genitals being vulnerable in the hands of women. It’s even in our slang: “She has got me by the balls” means that I am well and truly dominated by her control of the situation. I’m not sure why this is supposed to be a bad thing (</sarcasm>), but it is.

Contrast this with any imagery of blowjobs displayed by popular culture and the exact reverse is true. For some reason, people seem to think that putting your penis in someone else’s mouth gives you some kind of control over the situation and makes the person whose mouth is around your genitals submissive. This has always been somewhat baffling to me, because it is far easier to hurt my penis with your teeth than it is to hurt it with your hands. Is my penis somehow more vulnerable to teeth than a so-called “Alpha Male”‘s is? I’d love to know if it is, as I’ve unfortunately had no experience putting real live penises in my mouth.

(As an aside: if you want me to feel submissive while you make me go down on your cock then you should use something along the lines of a ring gag (NSFW) while you do it. Not that there aren’t other ways to make fellatio into a submissive act—you could close my nose so I have trouble breathing, or hold a knife at my neck, or you could just whisper in my ear that you know how badly I want to drown the back of my throat in ejaculate, but the point is that it’s all about how you do what you’re doing.)

I think blowjobs are so riddled with unnecessary connotations of submission that whenever my previous partners went down on me they were, in effect, submitting. (As another aside, these particular past partners were for the most part submissive women, which I’m sure had something to do with it. Why my dating history has a 3-to-1 ratio of submissive women to dominant women is, however, another frustrating post entirely.) While I enjoy sexual stimulation from a talented mouth as much as the next man, girls who go down on me with a disposition that is solely intended to please are just not as sexy as the ones who do it with a mind for taking control of me.

There are two times in life when people will show you their true emotions. The first is during a round of poker. The second is during sex.

It should probably be obvious, but maybe it’s not: submissive men like assertive blowjobs, not amiable ones. In fact, in case one thing doesn’t lead you to the other, submissive men like assertiveness and control in general. We like assertive handjobs and masturbation, fucking (of many varieties), kissing, and pussy-licking. In other words, we enjoy all the very same sexual acts anyone else does, but what we enjoy most about them is the assertiveness and control of our dominant partners.

So when Eileen took hold of my wrist and placed it behind my back as she enveloped my penis with her throat, I nearly shuddered from the hotness. There was the key visual element that combined one of the sexiest things I have ever seen with my iconic image of female dominance: assertive and control, wanting me and taking me. She took me, this time, with her mouth.

She licked my cock from base to head and from head to base, not in worship to me but in her own indulgence. Whereas before I was used to blowjobs being a rather piston-like up and down motion or a stationary sucking sensation (penises aren’t straws, by the way), Eileen’s mouth slowly travelled all over my shaft. When she combined a powerful suction on my penis’ corona with vertical strokes from her tongue I had to say it out loud: “I’m going to orgasm if you keep doing that.” And in response, she eased up just enough to make it possible for me not to come.

In response to my friend’s second question asking for an iconic image of a “top” or “domme,” I responded that to come up with one is actually pretty difficult. After all, there are so many different looks that I associate with dominance. Does the so-called iconic female dominant have long hair or short hair? Is she dressed in tight clothing or is she lounging in bathrobes? It can all be hot.

So my answer was that an image iconic of a female top or domme for me, at that moment when she asked, was a tall woman wearing jeans that shows off her ass nicely and some kind of tank-top-like shirt, probably black. It’s comfortable yet sexy—sexy because she’s comfortable. And in my fantasies, she’s holding something, like a knife in her right hand and a coiled rope in her left, not to be too specific about it. (I realized later that I was actually just describing Eileen in one of her more playful moods, but that’s besides the point right now.)

Clearly I have a thing for the outdoorsy look, but what I really have a thing for is the confident type. This should be no secret (and if it is, I pity you and would like to invite you to listen especially close right now), but confidence is always sexy. Always. It’s sexy to me when you look into my eye and feel confident enough to know you can make me hard just by licking your lips.

Confidence is about being sexy, regardless of orientation or activity. Assertiveness and control is about taking that confidence and applying it to a particular sexual power dynamic. Like, you know, leaving me literally laughing on our bed from desperate arousal after giving me the most dominant blowjob I’ve ever felt and then smiling as you tell me there’s not a chance you’ll let me orgasm tonight.

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