Thursday, January 10, 2008

Why Orgasm Logger? Well, why not?

Category labels: BDSM in the media, BDSM psychology, BDSM techniques, Chastity/Orgasm denial, Communication, D/s dynamics, Humor, Myths and misconceptions, Orgasm Logger, Personal history, Politics of sex, Sex, Sexual teasing and control, Technology

This is majorly cool: Viviane linked Orgasm Logger in her Links for January 4th, 2008 post and it’s since been picked up by Boinkology, and a few higher-profile bloggers are beginning to display Orgasm Logger counters on their sites, too, like Tom Paine. A few months ago, a search for “Orgasm Logger” revealed only a handful of hits but now Google shows over 1,300 results, which is quite a bit for a project I put a single night’s effort into months ago primarily for my own, personal use.

I’ve also been seeing discussions about Orgasm Logger surface on message boards and other blogs every so often. It’s a lot of fun to read through the discussions people are having and to see what they’re saying about it. Here are some telling examples.

This woman, on an Informed Consent discussion thread, says:

Having orgasms isn’t a competitive activity, it’s just something that happens, or doesn’t and it certainly shouldn’t be used as a measure of anything. In my opinion.

I have to say I agree with her regarding her view on the usefulness of orgasms as a competitive measure, but I disagree that it shouldn’t be used as a measure of something. Measure of what is the question. Well, I think that’s up to the person doing the measuring.

I never think of orgasms as competitive, just a lot of fun. They’re fun to have, and they’re fun for some of us not to have, and the fact that some of us are having more than others is also a lot of fun for some of us. I don’t think there’s anything in this world that turns me on more reliably and so thoroughly as watching my lover have a screaming-good orgasm. For me, when she has ten or twenty, or maybe even a hundred and I haven’t had one, that’s an even sexier thought. I like the disparity in the numbers, but I don’t feel competitive about it.

Naturally, kinky people into chastity play and orgasm control see the value of this tool really quickly. Later in the same thread, another woman writes:

I think the ‘logging’ idea would be a nice little extra feature for those who do chastity play.

And then another guy echoes her sentiment:

I can imagine it might be of use if a man were in a sort of chastity arrangement without a device i.e. based on trust, and monitored by a domme at a remote location.

Curvaceous Dee is (fittingly) ahead of the curve by already having experienced first-hand the intent of Orgasm Logger:

It was a great relief to finally come again. The very useful Orgasm Logger has confirmed to me over the past few months what I’d suspected for a while—that I like to get off every couple of days. Doesn’t matter too much whether it’s self-pleasure or pleasure with partners (both have their moments), but, almost like clockwork, every two days on average will see me gushing, groaning, and generally feeling great. Which explains why I’m always running out of ‘bedroom towels’….

Indeed, as she points out, keeping track of stuff let’s you know more about that stuff.

Here’s another blogger’s comment, one I really love:

I clicked, and found out this guy had his last [orgasm] 3.58 days ago, and this is a feed from an actual Orgasm Logger site! What an add-on to one’s blog! The ultimate in advance orgasm management strategy systems!

The ultimate in advanced orgasm management strategy systems? I think this blogger coined a new acronym: OMSS! Naturally, I can think of dozens of improvements to Orgasm Logger so I’m not going to be calling this thing “the ultimate” any time soon.

Of course, Lux of Boinkology said it best:

We’re both fascinated and confused by this application

In fact, that’s been the most common reaction, and it’s really interesting to me. Long before I created Orgasm Logger, I’d just been naturally keeping a tally on my orgasms. It seems to me like most everyone does this, if only not as mindfully as I do. Of course, what made me mindful about keeping track of my orgasms in the first place was my near-fetish for orgasm control, in a sexually submissive headspace.

I got really serious about keeping track of my orgasms about two years or so before I created Orgasm Logger. At first, I simply wrote down when my last one was, so I’d always know. Then I wanted to be able to easily share that piece of information with Eileen, so she’d be able to know whenever it interested her. To make that happen, I started recording my orgasms as events on my personal calendar, publishing those events as an iCalendar to a local WebDAV server I run for the two of us here at home, and then subscribed her iCal to the calendar feed I was publishing.

It worked flawlessly. Now I had a real database of all my recorded orgasms with embedded date and time, location, and participant information! It was pretty much all I needed. But it wasn’t perfect.

It didn’t do the things I was most interested in, which was tell me at-a-glance how long it had been since my last orgasm, the most personally interesting datum. I had to do that calculation every time I wanted to know. What’s today’s date? When was the date of my last orgasm? What’s the difference between then and now?

Obviously, computers are the answer to computational problems, so I started thinking about how I could get the computer to do everything I wanted. In the process, it occurred to me that lots of people heavily into orgasm control are always talking about “how long it’s been” or “what their last one was like.”

Hell, people who aren’t even kinky are talking about their orgasms left and right, up and down, inside and out, this ways and that ways! Moreover, the entire political debate over contraception, abortion, teen pregnancies, abstinence-only sex education, and a host of other issues, are all centered around exactly this topic: orgasms!

None of this would even be happening if it weren’t for orgasms, but I’ve yet to hear someone acknowledge that simple fact. It’s as though, if you were an alien, you’d think orgasms were what made the world go ’round, but nobody was allowed to talk about them directly.

Which brings me to my point. Orgasms are really important for a lot of people. What’s interesting, then, is why it’s so puzzling to so many people that I’ve made a tool to help people keep track of them. After all, throughout history, the one thing people have continued to do with nearly no change in behavior at all is come up with ways to keep track of the stuff that’s important to them.

No value judgement, no assumptions, just an awareness of what’s important to people and the benefits that can be garnered from using increasingly sophisticated tools to broaden that awareness. That’s what Orgasm Logger is about, for me. That’s what I think everything should be about, on a philosophical level.

No one would have looked at me askance if I wrote improvements to banking software, because money is very important to a lot of people. That’s why it’s tracked so rigorously. That’s why it’s used as a competitive measure of status, of wealth, and of many other things, even though a lot of us think that it shouldn’t be.

Why, then, do orgasms seem so out of place? Maybe the answer to that question is also the answer to a lot of other things that we as a country, a culture, and a species, are struggling with. Maybe understanding value, understanding why the things that are important to us are important, things that are currently so deeply ingrained in the cultural tropes of our society that we don’t even realize we can question, will help us in ways we can’t even imagine today.

That’s what I’m puzzling over.

Update: News of the existence of Orgasm Logger is still spreading, and it’s still getting the typical, puzzled and, in some cases, even hostile reactions I can pretty much expect from the mainstream world-at-large. Latest sighting was at a site called Dear Sugar.

Comments (9)

Friday, November 2, 2007

The unexpected clarity

Category labels: BDSM psychology, Chastity/Orgasm denial, D/s dynamics, Emotions, Femdom, Masturbation, Personal experience, Relationship, Sexual teasing and control

I am anal retentive, persistently consistent, and have a notorious dislike for change. Yet whenever something new happens for the first time, I am endlessly fascinated by it. Just such a new thing happened the other night. Allow me to set the scene.

It is late, past ten o’clock in the evening. It has been a long day, pleasant at parts and disagreeable at others, but it is over and I am through it nonetheless. Throughout the day, I have spent some short moments flirting with Eileen and making horribly inappropriate remarks about the use I think she should put me to when we are home for my being in an office. I don’t dare stand up, though I have been looking forward to being home.

And, of course, I am horny.

Eileen and I met up on the subway and went home together. At home, she ordered me to fetch her food and drink as she settled down with her computer onto the bed in our living room, which doubles as a sofa because neither of us really care for “proper appearances” and you might be amazed how useful a four-poster twin-size bed is in the living room. Eventually, I had gone to the shower, where, because I was horny, I spent a chunk of the night masturbating (and, of course, not having orgasms).

Now, after ten o’clock in the evening, I am horny.

But, I am also somewhat disappointed, and consequently somewhat annoyed, and consequently somewhat pissed off. I wanted to spend time with Eileen, ideally being sexual, but if not then just spending the night with her. I was specifically looking forward to it, and thought she was looking forward to the same. Instead, I feel lonely because it’s been three hours and her computer is getting the attention I want from her, and now it is getting late and I am tired anyway and soon it will be bedtime and then I will have missed the chance to spend time with her and then I will have a crappy day the next day or I will not have a good night sleep…and…and…and….

And, by the way, I am horny.

I try to ignore the horniness, as masturbating will only make the distraction stronger and anyway I’m not permitted to do that without Eileen’s explicit permission. But even if I did have permission to pleasure myself and even if pleasuring myself would have satiated my growing sexual restlessness, I am uninterested in doing so because it’s not what I want. What I want is to spend time with Eileen, and masturbating while she is focused on her own work does not fulfill that desire in any way.

So I sit down at my computer, trying to forget about how incredible horny I am.

Only, I can’t. I turn to Eileen and dejectedly remark on the time. Only, the conversation doesn’t proceed like the one in my head and instead of making me feel better it makes us both feel bad. Now Eileen, I imagine, feels as though I am too much to deal with, too clingy and demanding of way too much time. I feel bad because maybe she’s right, because I have frustrated myself further by failing to create a better situation for myself, and I still feel lonely and want to spend time with her but then isn’t that potentially asking too much anyway? I am like this a lot. I really am a high-maintenance boyfriend.

Now, I am upset. For a few moments, I’m no longer horny at all.

We stop talking, having gotten nowhere and instead I turn back to my computer, intent on watching iPhone Developer Technical Talk videos from Apple’s WWDC 2007, something that is sure to lift my spirits. Only it doesn’t, and as I’m sitting naked in my chair I feel silly and needlessly exposed.

I do something that is actually a big deal when I’m home: I put on some pants. My mood has shifted and I shed the old one like a skin, donning the new one like a shell that I crawl into. My pants are this shell, letting me emotionally “climb under the covers” and away from this badness.

Only that’s not enough either, and now I’m feeling worse because Eileen is in the kitchen without a smile on her face and I am further away from her, which is exactly what I didn’t want. I’ve succeeded in nothing at all. And now, worst of all, I am getting horny again.

In uncontrollable frustration, I stop the video and rip off my headphones and glasses—but not my pants—and march into the bedroom where I abruptly shut off all the lights and jump into bed, under our sheets. I curl up on my side and try to relax. I tell myself to let it go, that it’s not really a big deal and I’m just being moody, just being affected by all the hardship of work and the uncertainty the next few months are undoubtedly going to bring. But now I’m thinking about hardship and uncertainty and I am angry at the situation I have found myself in and I don’t want to be thinking about it and I just want it to go away.

And worst of all, every time I succeed in calming my mind even a little, my body forces something else to fill the void: I am horny.

Soon, Eileen tentatively enters the room and asks if she may lay next to me. I say nothing, way too deep in my invisible shell to speak, and she knows this. She joins me, snuggles up next to me. I feel her warmth and her skin and her arms around my shoulders, and my penis becomes ever more insistent. My breathing changes involuntarily. She notices, and moves her hand to my back, carefully.

How dare my body do this to me? I am angry, and in some perverse way, I want to be angry right now. And my body isn’t letting me because I’m too damn horny to be thinking about anything except her hand on my back and the softness of her skin and how hard my cock is and how much I want her to fuck me ’til we come. I want it, but I don’t. I try to stifle a soft moan, but can’t. She hears, and now her hand has found its way to my ass.

Eventually she pulls me out of my fetal position and removes all the layers of fabric that are covering me until I am naked once again. “Tell me this is okay,” she says to me. “It’s okay,” I whimper, surprising myself with the speed at which the response came out of my mouth. It’s no use trying to fight it anymore: I still don’t want to be sexual but I want her to force me to be sexual with her anyway. I am not so naive as to be perplexed by how these two seemingly contradictory feelings could possibly be within me at once, but I am nonetheless unfamiliar with their incredible genuineness and intensity.

What I want is to have things—my mood, our communication, the night—be better. I want to let go. This is the most indispensable quality of surrender, and of submission. I no longer care what happens. I just want her to take me so that I am dominated.

She touches my penis and I instantly shudder. Slowly, she moves my own hand to it and strokes me with my own fingertips. She tells me to keep masturbating myself the way she is showing me and I do. While watching me, she brings a bottle of lube and pours a few drops on the head of my cock and tells me to use my index finger and thumb to slowly rub along the underside and the top of my penis, from base to shaft and back again very slowly.

After another short while of watching my body shake and my mouth gnaw at my lips, she tells me to press harder. Then to go slightly faster. Then she closes the rest of my fingers around my shaft and guides my masturbation somewhat faster still, all of this to the music of my moans and whimpers.

Then she peels her underwear to the floor and lays down next to me to begin masturbating herself. “You’re not going to have an orgasm tonight,” she tells me quietly and I fight for breath at the thought, “but I’ll give you a choice. You can keep masturbating now, or you can stop and lie next to me here so I’ll hold you while I come.” I just whimper more. “It’s going to be excruciating either way. Do you want to keep masturbating?” she asks. For a moment the only sound that fills the room is that of the lube between my hand and my penis popping. I nod, and she smiles. “I like seeing you like this.”

She gave herself a strong orgasm that night. When she was done and had caught her breath, she looked back at me, my face contorted as one might be when near to the point of tears. She addressed me by my real full name, something she rarely does, paused so we could lock eyes, and said simply, “stop.”

Though I did stop, I also almost shrieked as I did so. She quickly collected me in her arms and hugged me close. Afterwards, I felt oddly satiated, and I had no trouble falling asleep that night.

Comments (15)

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Kink on Tap 7: Tom Allen

Category labels: BDSM techniques, Beginner BDSM, Chastity/Orgasm denial, D/s dynamics, Emotions, Femdom, Kink on Tap, Relationship, Sex, Sex toys, Sexual teasing and control, Training/Conditioning, Vanilla life

This Kink on Tap is kind of an extended addendum to our previous episode where we talk about and introduce the topic of sexual teasing and denial and chastity play. If you haven’t listened to that episode already, I strongly urge you to do so.

The best part, however, is that Tom Allen from the Edge of Vanilla joined Eileen and I to talk about his personal experiences. Of course, the advantage of having someone on the phone is that you can ask personal qusetions and get immediate, personal responses.

There’s no shortage of that in this converastion, where Tom shares a lot about his own reasons for enjoying chastity, the way in which this kind of sexual power play developed in the relationship with his (very blessed) wife, and of course why this kink in particular is often thought of as being very “vanilla.” I couldn’t help but share some of my own opinions and experiences as well, and Eileen does the same.

Lest you think that Tom’s always this cerebral, however, don’t forget about his super-hot chastity porn. My own fantasies tend to drift towards slightly more painful tastes, but that doesn’t stop me from being the first to admit that I’ve sprung more than my fair share of hard-ons looking at Tom’s stuff.

As always, I hope you enjoy this episode of Kink on Tap and invite your feedback of any kind (though especially regarding audio engineering) either as comments here or by emailing kinkontap+feedback@gmail.com. Have something you want to hear talked about or a story you want to share? Write to me at kinkontap+viewermail@gmail.com (and don’t question why it’s called viewer mail, ‘cuz I wouldn’t know what to tell you).

Comments (8)

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Kink on Tap 6: Sexual Teasing and Denial

Category labels: BDSM psychology, BDSM safety, BDSM techniques, Beginner BDSM, Chastity/Orgasm denial, D/s dynamics, Emotions, Femdom, Fetish, Kink on Tap, Personal experience, Sexual teasing and control

In lieu of the fast-approaching Floating World convention, rather than do a Kink on Tap roundtable as I’m (trying) to do regularly, I thought this time I’d share some of the fun around for those of you unlucky enough not to be able to attend. SaraEileen and I are doing several presentations at the event, one of which is all about chastity play, orgasm control, and sexual teasing and denial.

We got the chance to go through much of our old notes on the topic (we’ve done similar presentations elsewhere before), update a few things, add some bits here and there, and thought we’d share a large part of the presentation with you in podcast form. So, if you’re not going to be able to make Floating World, you’ll at least still get the majority of the experience of at least this one class of our’s.

I hope you enjoy the episode and, as usual, feel free to write me about it by emailing kinkontap+feedback@gmail.com.

Here are the list of resources and links I had compiled. By no means is this complete. And of course, Google is your friend.

  • Erotic sexual denial - Wikipedia

  • Chastity-UK - A British web site on the topic of chastity play that includes articles, user-submitted content, galleries, several very helpful FAQs geared to introducing and employing chastity in the context of relationships (of every sort), and more.

  • Lady-Jester - A site dedicated to contributions from wearers of the CB-2000, CB-3000, The Curve, and other male chastity devices and their female keyholders.

  • OrgasmDenial.com - A large web portal dedicated to orgasm denial, obviously, and filled mostly with submissive men and dominant women.

  • Chas’ Sweet Chastity - Dedicated to female chastity under male dominance and also to male-to-female transvestitism while incorporating male chastity devices. This web site is also home to the infamous (and fictional) “Chasti-Permalock Corporation,” a webiverse of chastity stories about devices implemented with nanotechnology.

  • Chastity Yahoo Group - A huge and always growing collection of individuals who discuss various topics related to chastity and teasing and denial.

  • Prostate Information and Milking

  • Altarboy’s Chastity Belt Web Site — has a section devoted to erotica, and a subsection within that devoted to female wearer/female keyholder stories, as discussed in the podcast.

  • Tantalism — this is an all inclusive community, though most participants discuss female denial.
Comments (10)

Friday, August 10, 2007

The first blowjob I’ve ever bottomed to

Category labels: BDSM psychology, BDSM techniques, Blowjobs, Chastity/Orgasm denial, D/s dynamics, Femdom, Personal experience, Politics of sex, Relationship, Sex, Sexual teasing and control

This morning a friend asked me to give her an image that turns me on, followed by an image that is iconic of a “top” or a “domme” and then to determine whether the answers to those two questions share any key visual elements. Yes, this friend’s really smart, by the way.

In response, I told her that the first thing that popped into my mind of an image that turns me on was Eileen’s lips and tongue during the blowjob she unexpectedly gave me last night, but that’s only because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it for the past twelve hours or so. In fact, if my friend had asked me for an image that turns me on another day, I probably wouldn’t have said blowjobs at all.

The last significant mouth-on-penis action I’ve received hasn’t been for more than two and a half years. Before that I wasn’t even that excited about blowjobs. Handjobs always felt better to me anyway, so I wasn’t very interested in getting them, though I don’t think I ever turned down the opportunity. All my partners were far more skilled with their hands than their mouths anyway but more interestingly—and more to the point—I liked handjobs more because it was easier to bottom to them.

Few men can deny the fact that having someone else’s hands around your genitals can be a vulnerable position. Of course, it isn’t always intended that way (unless you’re me, in which case it probably is) but our culture is saturated with images and stories of men’s genitals being vulnerable in the hands of women. It’s even in our slang: “She has got me by the balls” means that I am well and truly dominated by her control of the situation. I’m not sure why this is supposed to be a bad thing (</sarcasm>), but it is.

Contrast this with any imagery of blowjobs displayed by popular culture and the exact reverse is true. For some reason, people seem to think that putting your penis in someone else’s mouth gives you some kind of control over the situation and makes the person whose mouth is around your genitals submissive. This has always been somewhat baffling to me, because it is far easier to hurt my penis with your teeth than it is to hurt it with your hands. Is my penis somehow more vulnerable to teeth than a so-called “Alpha Male”’s is? I’d love to know if it is, as I’ve unfortunately had no experience putting real live penises in my mouth.

(As an aside: if you want me to feel submissive while you make me go down on your cock then you should use something along the lines of a ring gag (NSFW) while you do it. Not that there aren’t other ways to make fellatio into a submissive act—you could close my nose so I have trouble breathing, or hold a knife at my neck, or you could just whisper in my ear that you know how badly I want to drown the back of my throat in ejaculate, but the point is that it’s all about how you do what you’re doing.)

I think blowjobs are so riddled with unnecessary connotations of submission that whenever my previous partners went down on me they were, in effect, submitting. (As another aside, these particular past partners were for the most part submissive women, which I’m sure had something to do with it. Why my dating history has a 3-to-1 ratio of submissive women to dominant women is, however, another frustrating post entirely.) While I enjoy sexual stimulation from a talented mouth as much as the next man, girls who go down on me with a disposition that is solely intended to please are just not as sexy as the ones who do it with a mind for taking control of me.

There are two times in life when people will show you their true emotions. The first is during a round of poker. The second is during sex.

It should probably be obvious, but maybe it’s not: submissive men like assertive blowjobs, not amiable ones. In fact, in case one thing doesn’t lead you to the other, submissive men like assertiveness and control in general. We like assertive handjobs and masturbation, fucking (of many varieties), kissing, and pussy-licking. In other words, we enjoy all the very same sexual acts anyone else does, but what we enjoy most about them is the assertiveness and control of our dominant partners.

So when Eileen took hold of my wrist and placed it behind my back as she enveloped my penis with her throat, I nearly shuddered from the hotness. There was the key visual element that combined one of the sexiest things I have ever seen with my iconic image of female dominance: assertive and control, wanting me and taking me. She took me, this time, with her mouth.

She licked my cock from base to head and from head to base, not in worship to me but in her own indulgence. Whereas before I was used to blowjobs being a rather piston-like up and down motion or a stationary sucking sensation (penises aren’t straws, by the way), Eileen’s mouth slowly travelled all over my shaft. When she combined a powerful suction on my penis’ corona with vertical strokes from her tongue I had to say it out loud: “I’m going to orgasm if you keep doing that.” And in response, she eased up just enough to make it possible for me not to come.

In response to my friend’s second question asking for an iconic image of a “top” or “domme,” I responded that to come up with one is actually pretty difficult. After all, there are so many different looks that I associate with dominance. Does the so-called iconic female dominant have long hair or short hair? Is she dressed in tight clothing or is she lounging in bathrobes? It can all be hot.

So my answer was that an image iconic of a female top or domme for me, at that moment when she asked, was a tall woman wearing jeans that shows off her ass nicely and some kind of tank-top-like shirt, probably black. It’s comfortable yet sexy—sexy because she’s comfortable. And in my fantasies, she’s holding something, like a knife in her right hand and a coiled rope in her left, not to be too specific about it. (I realized later that I was actually just describing Eileen in one of her more playful moods, but that’s besides the point right now.)

Clearly I have a thing for the outdoorsy look, but what I really have a thing for is the confident type. This should be no secret (and if it is, I pity you and would like to invite you to listen especially close right now), but confidence is always sexy. Always. It’s sexy to me when you look into my eye and feel confident enough to know you can make me hard just by licking your lips.

Confidence is about being sexy, regardless of orientation or activity. Assertiveness and control is about taking that confidence and applying it to a particular sexual power dynamic. Like, you know, leaving me literally laughing on our bed from desperate arousal after giving me the most dominant blowjob I’ve ever felt and then smiling as you tell me there’s not a chance you’ll let me orgasm tonight.

Comments (11)

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Real Ultimate Male Chastity

Category labels: Chastity/Orgasm denial, Femdom, Humor, Satire, Sexual teasing and control

I’m finally starting to feel a little bit better today. In celebration, I thought I’d share with you all one of my older web pages, created back in February of this year with the help of two good friends. This one is about Real Ultimate Male Chastity. I hope you enjoy it.

Also, if you’re not already familiar with the Internet phenomenon of Real Ultimate Power, you may enjoy checking out the original web site and its parody directory.

Comments (9)

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Aneros Helix Sex Toy Review

Category labels: Reviews, Sex toys, Sexual teasing and control

Don’t ask me why, but I wanted to try my hand at wrting a sex toy review. I’d never done it before, you know. I had to think a bit about which toy from my collection I should write about. I could have written about the Fleshlight, or about the Hitachi Magic Wand, however I’ve had way more fond memories with the Aneros that I ended up choosing that little gem. Following is my first stab at a review. :) (Yes, I realze it’s devoid of kink-specific uses. The Aneros makes a pretty mean teasing device if prostate stimulation gets you going.)

When most men hear the word “prostate” I bet they immediately conjure up images of bending over at the doctor’s bracing for a horrible experience. When I hear the word “prostate,” however, I think of sex. Good sex. So what’s the difference between me and most people? Well, probably many things, but at least one of them is that I own an Aneros Helix, a male prostate massager.

Okay, okay, by “prostate massager” what I really mean is sex toy. This little anal toy isn’t quite a dildo nor is it like those standard butt plugs you might be familiar with. In fact, if you’ve never had any experience with anal stimulation, I’d say skip the butt plugs and go straight for a prostate massager like this one. Prostate massagers, of which the Aneros line was one of the first, are curvy, rather bulbous insertables whose scientifically designed shape is intended to gently ride along your prostate as you flex your buttocks—all on their own.

When I first got the Aneros (and I’m not emabrassed to admit it) I already had my fair share of experience with anal penetration, however I had never tried a prostate stimulator. I was curious about what it would feel like, so soon after I got home I had slipped a condom and some lube on the toy and gently pushed it toward my unsuspecting prostate. It immediately felt great, like a little finger pressing at the base of my penis from inside my body, but that was just a teaser.

The truly amazing feelings didn’t start until I started to masturbate. As I masturbated, I involuntarily clenched my ass slightly. I hadn’t even noticed that I did this before, but now whenever I would do so the Aneros would slide a little bit further inside me and then slide back again, running itself over my prostate with each stroke. It felt so good so quickly I actually stopped masturbating so it would last longer. This wasn’t a filling sensation like all the other dildo and plug toys I had experienced before, it was a rubbing sensation, but it was rubbing from the inside out.

When I finally did allow myself to orgasm with the Aneros still inside me, the sensations were more powerful because with each orgasmic contraction the Aneros was dutifully pumping away at my prostate. Since then, the Aneros has become one of my favorite masturbation and sex enhancers in my toy collection. Just think about all that buttocks-flexing sex requires!

The Aneros actually comes in several different models of varying sizes, just in case you don’t think your sphincter will appreciate the largest size. Personally, even at 1 and 1/16 of an inch in diameter at the tip I found the Helix a little small, so I don’t think I’d get much out of any of the thinner models and am eager to try a larger one.

Comments (6)

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Quick Thoughts on Blogging, Bisexuality, and Prostate Stimulation (no relation)

Category labels: Bisexuality, Chastity/Orgasm denial, Masturbation, Personal history, Polyamory, Sex, Sexual teasing and control, Strap-ons and dildos, Writing and blogging

Perhaps this should be three separate posts, but whatever. In preparation for Floating World, Jefferson from over on One Life, Take Two has asked for some reader participation. The topics are absolutely fascinating so I couldn’t help but offer my input:

1) Do you blog about sex? Let me know your site, your reasons forblogging, and your experiences as a blogger.

My experiences blogging are somewhat unusual because I have been blogging since before it was called blogging. Back in 1995, I set up a web site for bipolar youth on which I kept a semi-regular running journal. I was 12 or so at the time. My life since then is a remarkably open book. I find that blogging is one of the key techniques I use to maintain self-awareness and self-observation. I do this about sex, but I also do this about friends and family life, social events, and my work life. Making things public just makes things more accessible. I’ve gotten correspondence from people and have friends I would not have had other wise. To date, I’ve never experienced a profoundly negative effect from public blogging.

I keep getting warned that one day this is going to bite me, and you know what, maybe it will. But I’ve already gained so much from my own openness that it seems like a silly thing to fear the potential backlash of the future. I am much stronger now anyway, more confident but also more of a success in other people’s eyes. It becomes very difficult, I believe, to point at someone and say “You’re bad because of this or that” when you are presented with all the other things they have done that you don’t have any problem with.

Those of you who only read this blog may not know about the other topics I write about elsewhere, and those people will probably not wander on over here to read about kink and BDSM. As a result, while I am just one voice, I am a voice for many things. It’s that kind of diversity that gives people their strength and which makes it hard to demonize any one aspect of a person’s life.

2) What are your experiences with male bisexuality? I’m interested in your personal experiences as well as those involving friends, lovers and/or communities. Anyone is welcome to reply; you needn’t be bisexual or identify as male to have an opinion or experience to relate.

I’m a bisexual guy. Bisexuality is hard: there is very little community identity because I don’t know of any bisexual guys (or girls?) who are *only* bisexual. Everyone is bi but also kinky or heavily involved in LGBT activism (from which I’ve noticed the B and the T get dropped very frequently), or something else such as polyamory. Indeed, I am guilty of this myself. It’s been to my own detriment, in fact, because while I strongly desire male-male experiences I have been focused elsewhere.

It doesn’t help that community norms typically marginalize male bisexuality, and it is infuriating that female bisexuality is actually expected to be par for the course. (First because, hey, I want some of that same-sex action, too, and secondly because don’t you think this is completely unfair to the women who aren’t interested in other women?) I often shy away from meeting gay men because all too often they dismiss my homosexual interests as merely a passing fad. Or sometimes the reverse case, where my heterosexual interests are inauthentic. To this I say that they have clearly not been reading their own “liberation” material.

Furthermore, the notion of claiming a bisexual identity because it is the cool thing to do, annoyingly dubbed “bi chic” and thankfully not nearly so big a social stigma anymore as it was in the mid-1990’s, casts nothing but more shadow over an already veiled identity. Conversely, there is the popular notion of “forced bi”, wherein self-declared straight men have irresistable fantasies about being forced into sexual encounters with other men. (Oh, and that’s another thing that pisses me off: guys who say they are bi for the sole purpose of getting women. But that’s a whole ‘nother rant.) When I was in high school and trying to understand what my body was telling me, I struggled for longer than I’d like to admit with the binary idea that I was either gay or straight, but that bisexuality was not an option.

What is it about such black-and-white simplicity that is so attractive to so many people? It’s easy, but it’s false. Once again, the diversity and fluidity of my gender identity is extremely important to me, and is something I think is actually a healthy thing for everybody to have an understanding about.

3) What are your experiences and interests on g spot and p spotstimulation? Do you enjoy them? Are you frustrated by an inability tolocate them, or to stimulate them?

Kind of dovetailing off the last item, one of the reasons why I am a little hard-up for male-male action is because I absolutely love receiving anal sex. This is primarily because the prostate stimulation is so intense for me. Maybe I’m just wired differently than most people (though I doubt it), but prostate stimulation is so incredibly spot-on (no pun intended), that I am convinced it’s one of the most perfect developments in the natural world.

I’ve never had any problem stimulating my prostate. I’ve been doing so as a regular part of masturbation since my very early adolescent years (about 11 or so). I started by first pressing my fingers into my perineum and gently rubbing across it. Eventually I began to anally penetrate myself with my fingers. Thank goodness for flexibility! When I masturbate this way, I feel like orgasm approaches much, much quicker than it would otherwise. It’s a wonderful addition to sexual play, one I enjoy a lot. I’ve since bought toys specifically for this purpose, such as the aneros helix. At times, it’s actually difficult for me to avoid ejaculating when sexual stimulation is supplemented with prostate stimulation. When I met my current partner, Eileen, we quickly took to strap-on sex in part for this reason.

However, another aspect to our prostate stimulation playtime actually stems from our orgasm control and chastity kinks. Prostate stimulation is a central part of many submissive men’s chastity regimes for reasons of perceived prostatic health. In addition, the incredible arousal I experience when my prostate is stimulated makes me super horny. Eileen calls it “stoking my fire” when she fingers me. It’s very effective for sexual teasing because many men, myself included, can’t ejaculate powerfully via prostate stimulation alone if they can even reach orgasm at all. The net result is that I get more horny, but can’t relieve my arousal. That, of course, is the point.

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Thursday, May 17, 2007

Kink on Tap 1 and 2: The Big Hard Cock, Kink in Culture

Category labels: Chastity/Orgasm denial, Cuckolding, D/s dynamics, Emotions, Kink on Tap, Personal experience, Sexual teasing and control, Whipping

Kink on Tap, a new podcast for the kinkily inclined. :)

Episode 1:

Episode 2:

In this episode, Sara, Emily and I chat over late-night snacks and drinks. There’s a ton of discussion on humilation fetishes such as cuckolding, and a lot of opinions to go along with it.

So some things I’ve learned from this experience are, among others, that I need to totally slow down my speech and speak up because at some points it is just too dificult to understand what I’m saying. I’ve also learned to try and be as natural as possible in my speech, for the same reasons. (And personally, I feel much more eloquent in writing than I do in speech.)

I think it will also be beneficial to announce the date and the episode number before each recording, or possibly ad those factoids to the beginning of the audio track after the recording so that people have some context if they’re just listening. Of course, as is probably painfully obvious, I am no star member of audio/visual club, so any feedback and advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening!

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Friday, March 23, 2007

Is submissive intent influenced by orgasms?

Category labels: Chastity/Orgasm denial, D/s dynamics, Sexual teasing and control

Picture part of Femdom Draw’s preview collection.

Surfing around again tonight, I found a very interesting post by Saratoga discussing chastity versus draining (”milking”) a male submissive before play time. He describes the basic thrust of the concept like this:

The point is to make his ejaculatory moment as meaningless, humbling and unremarkable as possible. Pointedly waste his seed in an unceremonious manner. Then follow it up with brisk, focused activities which sweep his consciousness away from the release of his precious male sexual fluid to the infinitely more important tasks selected by his Mistress.

An interesting thought indeed. Why would one be interested in doing this? Saratoga writes:

This assures, as the Australian Domme stated, that the male is “serving (her) from submission, not from lust.” Actually, I’d suggest, from my personal experience, that the boy may still serve his Mistress “from lust,” but it would be from lust for Her, not lust for his own sexual release. So, male pre-play release would assure both a more purely submissive motivation for serving his Mistress, as well as a basis for his more purely lusting for Her, not his own sexual satisfaction.

Oh, okay, I get it. Try to ensure that the actions I am taking are in fact performed out of devotion, not a desire for self-gratification. Such a thing can be debated endlessly if taken to philosophical extremes, but let’s assume for the sake of self-exploration that not all actions are ultimately selfish.

I can certainly relate to this idea at times. Surely, if I am denied sexual release, won’t my compliance simply be a measure of how much I want an orgasm? Sometimes, yes. Is that the point? Sometimes, yes. It’s an unmeasurable thing, really, to try and determine what intentions have provided the motivation for an action of someone else’s. The dominant can’t ever truly know, despite how much they may suspect one thing to be the reality over another possibility. If I am really horny, I might be performing some action out of a desire to please my dominant so that she or he might grant me an orgasmic climax, but I may not. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to tell the difference–and that’s the real reason I see some value in this approach to starting a scene.

I think this can be an interesting tool. For example, there are certainly physiological changes that happen in one’s body that are dependent on where you are in the sexual response cycle. The release of endorphins is the common example and explains why so many of us feel as though we can take more pain when we are highly aroused. Now think about what it might do to you if you were forced to take a harsh paddling or a whipping after you have had an orgasm and not allowed to enjoy an afterglow. I think it would be pretty mentally distressing…and as such could prove to be a very, very powerful tool for a dominant to be aware of.

That is to say, draining a man prior to a scene isn’t necessarily a means to ensure his devotion or intention for service, but it certainly will change the way his body and mind responds to certain things. Dominance is not about devotion, it’s about using the tools you have at hand to control somebody else, devotion be damned. The awareness of how a submissive reacts differently to things before or after an orgasm was granted is one of these tools. The only way to get really good at using it is to practice, practice, practice.

Just my two cents….

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