The amazing Ms. Rika, whose insights have earned her an unusual place as someone I am truly admiring recently, posted a long time ago on her forums about the duality necessary for teasing and denial to be effective:

I got to thinking that Tease and Denial is more effective than the sum of its parts. It’s not only the length of the tease, or the number of denials. It’s the combination of buildup and withdrawl.

You can’t be effective with either without the other. If you tell a man he’s not going to orgasm tonight, but don’t stimulate him (denial only), it’s no where nearly as effective as if he is stimulated even though he knows he can’t complete. Likewise, if you tease a man and finally allow him to orgasm(tease only), it’s not as effective as prohibiting release. It takes very little stimulation and very quick denial to be effective. Sure, a longer buildup and multiple denials will be even more effective, but you don’t always have the time – or desire – to be so sub-centric for so long. So you can go for a quicky that’s every effective.

Thus her suggestion:

So if you’re going to deny him, you may as well put a little stimulation in front of it…a quick fondle, a squeeze or two, or a little fetish play and then, goodnight. Give him quick hope and then take it away…Quick and effective.

I think this is one of those things that is so true it’s often overlooked, and so taken for granted that it’s hard to notice why it works so well. A while ago, I wrote elsewhere about an experience not unlike one that Ms. Rika describes.

Before going to bed, she and I cuddled over the sheets. Then she started caressing me, very lightly rolling her fingers over my body in every single erogenous part of me except my penis. It made me harder than I’d been all day in mere moments, so she kept it up (figurately and literally, actually–no pun intended). My penis was literally oozing droplets of precum in minutes and had a relatively thick, long “tear trail” of it by the time she finished that had dropped into my pubic hair. It took all I had to keep my hands away from my penis. I literally can not remember a time when I had ever been that…desperate for relief.


She made an interesting remark while I was trying to relax the first time that went something like this: Looks like the best way to tease you is not to touch you at all! This ellicited a needy groan at the time, but got me thinking that perhaps she may have hit on something very true, but perhaps not entirely correct. It’s not really true that the best way to tease me is not to touch me at all. The sublety is that she did, of course, touch me to tease me. However, tonight she did so in a way like never before. She teased me by, well, tantalizing my penis– starving it of stimulation but not attention–and never actually teasing it directly.

This ironic situation is the one that most turns me on, I think because it showcases the control and puts a spotlight on the D/s dynamic involved in the play. And, well, that’s hot.