Browsing around for some new blogs tonight, I found a post that Hardwired Submissive Man titled Tease and Denial. In his post, he writes a little about being masturbated teasingly:

It was easy to tell that her motivation wasn’t to let me finish, but to tease and torment. I absolutely ADORE this kind of play. A relentless tease is far more exciting than an orgasm and i find i never have to worry about the “let down” after.

There are lots of times when I feel very much like that. I also absolutely adore teasing and tormenting attentions. They’re fantastic because it’s an indulgence for my fantasies, her attention is intent and focused entirely on my body, and the pleasure really does cause a wonderful high. I also sometimes don’t want the high to end because I know that what comes after an orgasm is often a relative downswing.

Ups and downs are something I’ve been writing about in terms of emotions for years, but they’re not actually something I’ve thought that much about when it comes to sex. Partly, this is because I like the orgasm, too and so a mild downswing seems like a fair price to pay. The orgasm is intensely pleasureable and I crave it often.

But the question is ultimately what do I crave, the orgasm I lust after or the lusting itself? Sometimes I think the answer is one, sometimes it’s the other, and sometimes it’s both. I think a major part of my desire for orgasm control is because it’s truly difficult to know what’s what in my head sometimes. When instead I obey whatever command I am given by Eileen and she chooses for me, I can be assured that no matter what happens, I will be doing what she wants and I am always gauranteed pleasure from that outcome.