Just earlier today a friend sent me to this Savage Love article in the Village Voice. It’s about pegging, aka strap-on sex. We’ve all talked about this before, remember. The reason this article stuck out like a bright and red sore thumb in all the otherwise mundane vanilla-oriented sex advice columns was the nugget of wisdom by the ever-wonderful Violet Blue shared in response to this woman’s concerns:

Everything I’ve come across so far seems to be playing into the stereotypes that plague male- on-female anal sex. (“You’re going to take my cock up that little ass,” etc.) I don’t peg my man to work out my aggression, I peg him because the prostate is a wondrous thing.

When I point at other submissive men who are blinded by their own irresistible cravings to think before they act and tell you that they have hurt me in my sex life, this is (an example of) exactly what I mean. When I point at pro-dommes and tell you that they are cheapening me to other dominant women, this is exactly what I mean. When I point at the media and say that this is why I feel like it is invading my bedroom, this is exactly what I mean.

Violet Blue responds with some much-needed reason to all the craziness:

Pegging in most porn is festooned with stereotypes of shame and pain, like most sex in mainstream porn,” says Violet. “And, unfortunately, these stereotypes have seeped into online sex culture. But you don’t have to be Mistress Asscrusher, and he doesn’t have to answer to Worthless Buttslut, in order to enjoy strap-on sex. Like I explain in my book, most couples who peg do it because it’s fun, intimate, new, exciting, and quite loving.

I’ve said it before, but I guess it behooves me to say it again: I don’t see anything wrong with Mistres Asscrusher or Worthless Buttslut, but if you start to expect that of me (by behaving in ways that show it—I couldn’t care less what positions you fantasize about me in as long as they remain fantasy) then you are actually hurting me and it doesn’t matter who you are or what your orientation, submissive man or dominant woman or albino monkey or whatever, you’re not going to see much respect beyond that I accord fellow humans coming from me. Respect like that is and always should be earned—you don’t get it just because you’re of an “alternative” sexuality.

Addendum: I was just talking to that brilliant friend of mine who asked me what the hell my beef with pro-dommes is. It’s a fair question. She asked me to describe it in twenty words or less, because she was tired. So I did:

Pro-dommes have a monopoly on the expression of female domination in the majority of online and real-world kinky contexts.

One thing led to another in this conversation, when she finally remarked that she never thought she’d see “the personal is political” from this side of the sex wars, but yeah, ok, I can see it. Being completely untrained in feminist theory I’d never heard that word before, so I did a little bit of searching to find out what she’s talking about. I have no conclusions, but I wanted to share what I found because I feel it is inherently relevant to the above post.

In brief, I am beginning to wonder if this phrase and its related political associations are an accurate description of the feelings of systematic marginalization in the post above. I’ll leave further speculation, however, for a time after more significant rumination.

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