This weekend I’m making a concerted effort to spend more time than I might otherwise with Eileen because we’ve been enjoying reconnecting with kink lately and there is just so much work to do during our “normal” days.
Once again, as part of tasks she had charged me with accomplishing, Eileen wanted me to write and read another fantasy snapshot to her. This time, however, she gave me a specific direction to go in: write about harems, a recurring fantasy genre of hers. I did this successfully (and if you’re really just here for the pr0n then, here it is) but what she found interesting about it was how much I worked my own kinks (technology, orgasm control) into the piece. My thinking here was pretty straightforward, since all I did was figure that what I’d produce wouldn’t be any good if I wasn’t interested in writing it.
One of my other tasks was to buy her a specific sort of jewelry. This has been an area of relative discomfort for her as a top and, like my own discomfort vocalizing fantasies, is something she and I would like to see her become more comfortable with. Rather than refer to this jewelry as a gift, which is heavily laden with negative stereotypes of gender roles, we’ve been referring to it as a form of tribute, but admittedly that’s not much better either. When I buy her things, and especially when she “makes” me buy her things, she sometimes still feels the resonance of guilt, and so I feel bad about making her feel guilty, and on and on the vicious spiral goes.
For me, however, buying things for her is not difficult because my relationship with money is vastly different from hers. To me, money is accumulated for one purpose only: to be spent. Money is nothing but a manifestation of some kind of confidence in a product, in a service, or in some other thing perceived to have a value of sorts. Since it’s my money I’m spending, I get to spend it on whatever I want. More often than Eileen may be ready to believe, what I want to spend it on is her. Still, financial domination is not really my kink, it’s hers.
What I want for her is to be able to experience guiltless pleasure by enacting kinks and fantasies. That’s why I was happy to see that one of my tasks was to do this thing that, should I be successful, she would find emotionally challenging to accept in a way. And that’s also part of why instead of buying her the one piece of jewelry she tasked me with acquiring, I secretly bought two. Then, that night, I bought her an even more expensive bottle of perfume on a complete whim and treated her to dinner.
My goal was the same as hers: to push limits. We push each other, we always have, and it’s part of what keeps us moving forward together. Though the willingness to push a bottom’s limits is almost a prerequisite to advertise yourself as a top or a dominant, very rarely does anyone seem to recognize the value of pushing a top’s limits as a bottom, and I think that is a grave oversight for all involved. Often, people expect—sometimes even demand—that bottoms and submissives be entirely passive partners in sex and kink, but I think this is wrong.
Equating passivity with submissiveness is just as brain-dead stupid as equating power with penises. When I’m willing to actively push my top’s limits, everything is more fun. That doesn’t mean that I’m “topping from the bottom” in the way many people think of it. I’m not bossy or a brat, I don’t talk back in scenes and I don’t tell you where to hit me (unless that’s part of the scene, or you ask me to, of course). What I mean when I say that I like to push my top’s limits is that I respectfully and incrementally encourage them to explore their sadism, their cruelty, their willingness to impose their will on my body, perhaps in ways that they may not feel entirely comfortable doing but that I do.
I do this for a number of reasons. The most obvious one? It turns them on, and then they do things to me that I like. With Eileen, the other day, this meant I spent quite a bit more money on her than she was immediately comfortable with. This active submission or bottoming has also manifested itself in most of the scenes where my tops told me “Okay, I think I need to stop now.” I half-jokingly say that I want to collect as many tops as I can who I can get to say this. So far, there are five, and I’ve enjoyed playing with each of them (and I hope I get to again, one day)! (You know who you are. ;)
Anyway, the good news for me is that I successfully accomplished all of the tasks I had been given. This has earned me the consideration of a possible orgasm, Eileen said, though she has not specified a time for this. This reward was phrased very deliberately, and perhaps one day I’ll get around to writing about the particulars of what earning something means (though Ms. Rika has already written a fair bit about treats versus rewards, which talks a bit about earning stuff).
At any rate, what I’ve earned is very nebulous because “consideration of a possible orgasm” is basically just like saying “maybe, we’ll see.” This has left me wondering (and fantasizing) about what will happen. Nevertheless, even as day 35 of being kept orgasm-less draws to a close for me tonight, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Now, without further ado, as promised, here’s the harem fantasy snapshot that I read aloud to Eileen this morning.
I kissed her firmly on the lips, gently pulling her down with me as I leaned back onto the massive bed and sank further into the gold threaded sheets. She responded by parting my lips with her tongue, one of her hands encircling both my thighs and the other pressing her body into mine. I twisted my body so she was on her side and moved my mouth to her neck. That was my purpose: to exist for her pleasure. The years I had spent in this place had taught me how to fulfill this purpose well.
“You are so lucky,†one of the other boys told me one day as we sat on the marble steps of the pool.
“Why?†I asked.
“And you’re dumb,†he replied wryly. “How can’t you see it? She adores you. She takes you more often than any of us,†he said as he gestured around the room, a hint of envy in his voice.
The sunlit pool hall had white stone walls with large glass doors and a few stained glass windows depicting young men and women in various states of servility. A dozen or so other slaves like I were swimming and a few more were lounging elsewhere in the hall. Most of us were naked, and those few who weren’t might as well have been, as we were given very little in the way of fabric for coverings by our keepers. Instead, we typically wore jewelry whose particulars were carefully chosen to match our body’s aesthetics. Many of the darker-skinned slaves wore intricate silver bands while I wore lots of copper, rose gold, and turquoise to compliment my pale skin.
I cocked my head and grinned back at my friend. “That makes me sore, not lucky,†I said to him.
“Still,†he said, the envy turning into a soft sigh, “you get more stimulation than we do.â€
We were not only kept as pleasure slaves, we were also slaves to pleasure. Shortly after being bought, I was strapped to a contraption that left strategic parts of my skin perfectly hairless and others incredibly erogenous—even some that had not been before. Despite my fear and anguish that first dark night, I couldn’t help but masturbate through my tears. Strangely—cruelly, I thought—nothing I did brought me to the satisfaction I craved and yet every other sensation seemed amplified such that merely the feel of the sheets in my new bed filled me with lust. At first I thought these sensations were hallucinations, but when I braved asking the others they told me similar stories. “It keeps you eager for her,†they said, and they were right.
I soon learned that she alone had the power to satisfy my body, though I didn’t understand why that was so. We never knew when she might choose to sample one of us, and yet eager as I and the rest of us were for it, much of the time it was not pleasant when she would. I frequently sported bruises, and more often than not she chose to take her pleasure from me with seemingly little regard for my own obvious need.
In her bed, she rolled her hand in my long hair and pulled my mouth off her neck, exposing my own to her tongue. I shivered, whimpering as goosebumps appeared on my flesh. To avoid the maddening stimulation, I pushed my mouth back to her neck and tried to focus my attention on the mundane parts of the act, like the motion and pressure of my lips.
Then I saw her eyes glint just so. She grabbed my wrist and pulled it by the copper bangle I wore from her side to the restraint in the headboard, which automatically held my jewelry in its grasp. I held my breath, fearing that tonight would not be one of the pleasant nights.
As a final aside, I’ve posted this vignette into the Hypertextual Porn wiki because that project needs a little tender lovin’ care at the moment and I think this is a good piece to begin loose construing, a good snippet to remix with, as it seems like it can go in any number of directions.
I’m hoping that, over time, I’ll be able to create an archive of lots and lots of snippets like this so that erotica authors might find interesting ways to mix and match and modify them to suit their story ideas. If you’ve got some short, erotic vignettes you’d feel comfortable contributing to the project (and basically releasing your writing as “open source” hypertextual porn), then please take a peak at the project’s homepage.
by Goose
26 Oct 2008 at 00:48
Very lovely pron there mister. I’m sure I speak for many of us when I say I hope we get to read more. And I agree about the passivity business. I don’t want passive. I want active and engaged on every level.
XO
by alterisego
26 Oct 2008 at 01:38
That’s a fantastic vignette right there.
by roo-roo
26 Oct 2008 at 07:57
Well said. I get weird looks or the whole “you’re not really submissive” thing whenever I mention that it’s good for tops to have their limits pushed too.
A lot of that “submissive = passive” crap shows up in peoples’ attitudes toward d/s relationships in general. Lots of people think that for the submissive partner, the relationship is a take-it-or-leave-it deal; the sub isn’t supposed to be an active partner in the relationship, except when it comes to housework. When people say that kind of stuff, I want to go outside and poop on their cars.
by maymay
27 Oct 2008 at 01:17
@Goose, @alterisego: Thanks. :) Eileen liked the pron, too.
@roo-roo: Ditto. I debated talking about how people’s attitudes toward D/s relationships get derailed by their own utterly craptastic assumptions about what things “should” be a part of said relationship, but I figured I’d written about that so many times before, that I’d let it go this time to keep the post shorter-ish.
by Elle
29 Oct 2008 at 14:42
Hmmm.. That’s good insight, right there, mister! I hadn’t thought of Boy Toy as being active or pushing my limits, but now that I’ve read this… Well he probably is. Not in a… dominant sort of way, but he MUST have done something to that effect, to get me to evolve and get to where I am today. Perhaps it was “education”? I knew nothing about kink, he told me lots about it, directed me, suggested…
by Elle
29 Oct 2008 at 14:50
I just copy-pasted your paragraph about subs pushing their dom’s limits to Boy Toy and he replied: I do try to push your limits, naturally, I’m a brat.
Maybe the brat needs a spankin ;)
by maymay
29 Oct 2008 at 15:36
@Elle:
This is why I explicitly stated that I am not a brat. Bratting and pushing limits is not the same, but often bottoms don’t understand the distinction. I’m not saying Boy Toy doesn’t get it, I’m just highlighting this as a potential point of confusion because the two concepts are actually quite distinct from one another.
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by Why I Revile the Memory of Arthur Pendragon « beyond the hills
01 Nov 2008 at 12:54
[…] Submissive does not mean passive. […]
by lalouve
01 Nov 2008 at 23:06
I don’t like being pushed – coming from a background of not having my boundaries respected, being pushed can trigger violence. As my husband/submissive put it, I don’t safeword, I safesnarl.
On the other hand, the mere discovery of my dominant side, and the desire to give myself and my submissive pleasure in new interesting ways, pushes me all on its own. I think if I stop developing and stop examining my boundaries, gently testing them on my own, I will need pushing.
by maymay
01 Nov 2008 at 23:55
@lalouve:
If I were to go out on a lark and imagine what it would be like to bottom to someone who came from a background of not having their limits respected, I would say that the way I would push that top would be to support them in pushing themselves, rather than doing so directly. In a word, I would offer myself rather than give of myself, if that makes sense. In all cases, the important thing is to keep moving forward, rather than to let oneself or one’s partner stagnate endlessly.
by lalouve
02 Nov 2008 at 09:33
That makes perfect sense, and I think it also is the kind of thing that works for me. I respond very well to polite offers, and my love is very good at doing that just right – he is a switch and finds it relatively easy to put himself in my place. And I agree; things have to go places or they become stale.
Incidentally, I bottom but do not sub – an aggressive reaction to being pushed combined with serious martial arts training is not good news, so even where I more inclined to submission I think it would be too dangerous.
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06 Nov 2008 at 13:08
[…] tonight, we were talking about pushing limits. I paraphrased what maymay wrote […]
by K&S
02 Dec 2008 at 18:48
Hi again.
I was once again looking for developments on the orgasm logger. Any chance we can have it for Christmas?
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[…] tonight, we were talking about pushing limits. I paraphrased what maymay wrote […]
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by DelvingintoDeviance
08 Jun 2011 at 08:19
This is interesting. I’d never thought of it in those terms, but my boyfriend pushes me too. Reminds me sometimes that I can be more sadistic with him if I want, asks me if I’d like to do x, y, or z to him even if he’s not particularly interested in x, y, or z. I like it. It’s resulted in some hot moments.
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