In just 3 weeks time, on November 21st, the sexuality education, health, and rights conference series that many people, including me, have been working on for months is going to be held at the Montgomery County Executive Office Building, a 5 minute walk from the Rockville Metro station in the Washington, DC metro area. I’m totally psyched about it because, thanks to the incredible work of Nikolas Coukouma and numerous generous donors, we have a large cafeteria space in a public building.
Being in a public venue is a big deal because most sexuality communities are extremely afraid of using public resources for doing their work. Few that I know about in the sex-positive sphere think to use community resources, instead choosing to segregate themselves from the rest of their local community. I think that’s supremely unfortunate, and it totally fails to send a message of inclusion, acceptance, and diversity that’s so central to (among other things) sexual health.
The other reason having a public venue for the conference, which we call the KinkForAll Washington DC “unconference,” is a big deal is because it legally solidifies the “open to the public” nature of the event. As it is a conference that invites anyone with the desire to learn or with something to contribute to attend and speak at, KinkForAll has always been and should always be 100% free and open to the public. We should be striving to create as public and diverse an atmosphere as possible, even in privately-owned spaces (such as the previous venues of LGBT community centers and universities).
Sadly, it turns out that even in otherwise unbiased communities, many people are extremely uncomfortable with the idea that certain other people might want or should be able to participate. In particular, although many people seem to be championing the unconference’s “open to the public” nature, some of these same people have voiced strong concern over the possible presence of minors. Others have gone so far as to wish to restrict the presence of youth citing “inappropriateness” and fears that access to sexuality information could be traumatic.
I believe these are well-intentioned people, but feel that their desire to censor information from minors or create restrictions that hinder the accessibility of some information to them is adultist behavior. Such behavior, while likely spawned from understandable fears, encourages closeted behavior. Projecting a mentality of fear onto young people does them a severe disservice.
When I was an adolescent, it would have changed my life for the better to be able to be in a public, safe place where people discussed sexuality freely, where I didn’t need to hide behind the glow of my computer screen in a dark room to get information about sex, bisexuality, and everything else that sexuality touches. I was a closeted teenager. Today, most teens and younger people are similarly closeted. Indeed, most adults still are, too!
When I was in the closet, I was being secretive, I felt fearful, and I had few to zero avenues for acquiring accurate information that could have helped me live a dramatically happier, more self-sufficient life. Put simply, the closet is not a safe place to be. In a conversation I had with David Phillips, co-founder of the Rainbow Response Coalition fighting against intimate partner violence in the Washington, DC metro area LGBT communities, David notes this startling point about the closet:
If you consider that intimate partner violence, when they look at statistics in a large population, race isn’t a determining factor, income isn’t a determining factor. But what [does] pop up as determining factors: disability is a predisposing factor, and then I believe that the closet is weighing more heavily because that is one unique form of violence that’s used against LGBT people that isn’t available to be used against heterosexual folks, is, “I’m going to out you. I’m going to tell your family. I’m going to tell your friends. So shut up.” […] It could be, y’know, kink interest, for what it’s worth, but just some characteristic that’s kept under wraps becomes a source of strength for the abuser.
(Skip to about 1:07:22 in the audio recording of the conversation to hear the quote.)
Indeed, since information and knowledge is power, censorship can be a weapon. Becky Knight summed up the importance of making sexuality information accessible to youth better than anyone:
It’s kind of amazing to me that so many people wish they had better information and guidance when they were young, but then they fail to provide it for the next generation. Information about sex and relationships is critical for young people if they are going to grow into sexually healthy and happy adults. Some people can find it on their own, but many people suffer from misinformation and misunderstandings that could have been helped by simply getting accurate information earlier on.
Fortunately, human beings are blessed (and cursed) with an ability to do something truly extraordinary: we can imagine ourselves in a situation better than the one we find ourselves in. We can hope. Despite the obviously gendered language, George Bernard Shaw seems to have understood this when he said:
The reasonable man adapts himself to the conditions that surround him. The unreasonable man adapts surrounding conditions to himself. All progress depends on the unreasonable man.
I’ve been obsessed with this idea for as long as I can remember. For instance, although many people thought it was “unreasonable” of me, as a 2nd grader, to insist that traditional schooling was wildly inappropriate for my education, I have always thought and continue to believe that vocalizing my opinion was the most natural, obvious, reasonable thing in the world for me to do. I campaigned (for nearly 10 years) to convince my legal guardians and other adults that I would be better served if I spent my time learning on my own, out of school. Eventually, with no small effort, I dropped out, and every concern the caring but misguided adults had about me was proven unrealistic. I never “got into trouble” with drugs or gangs or violence, I became financially self-supporting while still a teenager, and—still without a GED—I’m now in a higher tax bracket than my parents are. (The price of “success,” I guess. Oh well.)
Why was it so difficult for the adults in my life to trust me when I assured them, “Don’t worry, I’ll be okay,” or to give me a straight answer when I asked, “Why can’t I study what I want to learn?” Why was my input so cavalierly dismissed? Was it because I was 7 years old? Maybe it was because they didn’t believe a 7 year old was capable of imagining himself in a better situation than the one he was in. At least, surely not better than a situation they could imagine for him, right? Wrong. Tragically wrong.
In a recent blog post on youth engagement at schools, Adam Fletcher writes:
The evidence that education systems across the United States are devoid of student involvement in decision-making is obvious to any young person or adult who considers themselves an ally of youth. […T]he belief that students cannot make decisions for themselves is as much a hindrance as the belief that students cannot make decisions for schools at large.
Here’s some food for thought: there’s a word for minors who are legally able to make their own choices. That word is ‘emancipated.’ In other words, most minors are not emancipated. This word might sound familiar, since it’s in the Emancipation Proclamation, which freed African-American slaves from the legal control of their owners across the United States.
When I think about this, I can’t help but be reminded of the United Nations’ Universal Declaration of Human Rights, which says (paraphrased),
Every man, woman, and child on Earth is born free and equal in dignity and rights. We have reason and conscious and should be friendly towards one another. Everyone is entitled to the rights set forth in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights regardless of age[…]. You have the right to live in freedom and safety. Nobody has the right to treat you as their slave. The law is the same for everyone. You have the right to think what you want and say what you like, to organize peacefully, [and] to take part in your country’s political affairs. The society in which you live should help you to develop. Education should strive to promote peace and understanding among all people.
(Here’s the original text of the UN’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights.)
People who have not yet reached the age of majority, which varies wildly across regions, cultures, and governments, by the way, are arguably the single most disenfranchised group of human beings. In America, and in most if not all countries in the world, they have little or no legal standing, protections, or rights. Just for a moment, imagine what kind of priority adults might make education and childcare if schoolchildren could vote.
My struggle for a voice to educate myself in the way I saw best is not even worthy of a footnote when compared to the overwhelming injustices some other young people face, but it’s a personal reminder that I was once considered incapable and unreasonable thanks only to the inherent characteristic of my age at the time—something I was powerless to change.
At the same time as all of that was going on in my life, when I turned 9, I entered puberty and began to masturbate. As unfamiliar as masturbation was, I was largely well-prepared for it because I had spent countless hours at school surreptitiously reading anatomy textbooks during my Judaic Studies courses (and getting in trouble for doing so). By then, I could not only name most components of human genitalia, but could also describe the human sexual response cycle from start to finish.
I dared not speak about these things to anyone, however, because all it would do was get me in trouble for not paying more attention in school during class. Then, when I was 10, my family got an America Online account. I discovered the Internet and, of course, pornographic websites.
I was afraid to hit the “I am over 18 years of age” button when I wasn’t and yet I did so anyway. I remember learning about the public BDSM scene in New York when I was 10 and wishing I could go. I couldn’t, of course, and so I waited for 8 years—consciously, silently waiting for 8 years. I finally went out to the public BDSM scene when I was 18, and I was terrified. The places where I ended up were not, in fact, places where I think I would have been safe as a teenager. Indeed, I question how safe I was as an “adult” there. Frankly, I hesitate to return to some of those places to this day, and I’m 25 now.
A KinkForAll unconference, however, is a place I think that, had it existed and I knew about it when I was a teenager, I would have come out to because it is public, because it is safe, because it is expressly not eroticized.
So it was not so long ago when I was banned from sexuality communities for being too young. I wanted to learn about sexuality from people who were willing to talk about it with me, not engage in it with me. I wanted to learn more about myself so much that I devoured every resource I could get my hands on—not an easy feat (even in the 90’s) considering how censored everything is, especially where younger people are concerned, and it’s only getting more difficult as filtering technologies “improve.”
I fully believe that I would have been a suicide case had it not been for the miniscule amount of information about sexuality that I found. As Ramon Johnson points out in his article about LGBT suicide,
Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth are up to four times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers, according to the Massachusetts 2006 Youth Risk Survey. A 2007 San Francisco State University Chavez Center Institute study shows that lgbt and questioning youth who come from a rejecting family are up to nine times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers. And for every completed suicide by a young person, it is estimated that 100 to 200 attempts are made (2003 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Survey).
(By the way, if you or someone you know is feeling down right now, please read and share Kate Bornstein’s Hello, Cruel World Lite.)
I desperately needed sexuality information that I could relate to, that told me I was not alone, that told me there were people I could speak with, that gave me hope that, one day, I could reach out to people who cared a damn about what I was feeling and who could share their own feelings and opinions with me. I needed someone to do that for me when I was 12, and I never got it.
I never got it because talking about it was taboo. My schools, my teachers, my parents, and even my trusted adult friends would not talk to me about it. I suspect they must have been afraid of the very things I sense some people who wish to restrict the access of minors to the educational KinkForAll unconferences are afraid of. It was that fear of theirs that almost killed me. Finding information about sexuality in public libraries and on the Internet very literally saved my young, questioning, and very isolated life. I don’t want any other young person to go through the isolation and uncertainty I felt about my own sexuality that I did at that age.
Like the UN’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights implies, I believe that safe and free access to accurate, non-judgmental information about human sexuality and sexual freedom—or about anything of public interest, for that matter—is a fundamental human right, regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, socioeconomic class, educational level, or age. That’s why I strongly believe that we need to make sexuality information freely accessible to young people. Adults must bear in mind that youth are a crucial group of people for whom education and access to quality, reliable information is perhaps more paramount for the future than anything else.
Knee-jerk and fearful reactions to young people’s potential exposure to sexuality material is often vastly more damaging than the exposure itself. Furthermore, a distinction must be drawn between the erotic and the educational. In fact, most current laws clearly recognize this distinction and expressly preclude material having a bona fide scientific, educational, governmental, artistic, news, or other similar justification
from legal prosecution. It’s a sorry state of affairs that pornography has become the largest source of sexuality information due mostly to the absence of real, widespread, public sex education.
The result of such an information deficit about sex coupled with fearful reactions about filling it are youth that aren’t going to be able to feel safe exploring the world, their relationships with friends when they are young, and their romantic relationships when they grow older. As Cory Silverberg recently wrote in his guide to talking to kids about pornography,
Good sex education isn’t about forcing one agenda or another on your kids. It’s about being responsive to questions asked and anticipating what kinds of information your kids might need given their environment.
If I could only give you one reason why you should at least think about talking to your kids about pornography it’s that, if statistics are to be believed, they are likely to encounter some [porn] before they reach an age where they’ll be able to critically understand what they are seeing.
I wouldn’t recommend raising the topic of pornography out of the blue. But if you have a child who is already online or watches TV, or you have any pornography in your home (no matter how well hidden you think it is) I do think it behooves you to prepare to talk about pornography, and think ahead about how you want to talk about.
Concerns that exposure to pornography could be traumatic for people—regardless of age—who are not able to critically understand what they are seeing are not unfounded. Of course, the same can be said about exposure to electricity (“Don’t stick your hand in the wall outlet!”) or heat (“Don’t touch the stove when it’s on!”) or crossing the street (“Always hold my hand when you cross!”) or a bazillion other things that could potentially cause harm. However, in all of these cases, censorship does not provide protection, education does. By the same token, actively restricting access to sexuality information (not porn, but sexual education resources—there’s a difference) from people who seek it, again regardless of age, is like forcing them to wear a blindfold while crossing a highway.
How would you feel if someone did that to you? That’s how I felt throughout my entire childhood and teenage years, first in school when I was a boy, then at the restriction of sexuality information when I was going through puberty. Why did the adults in my life not see that what they thought they were doing “for my own good” was actually a painful and damaging experience for me? That when they saw fit to decree what I “needed” they were actually disrespectfully disregarding my input about my own personhood, a personhood that, even as a young boy, was extremely well-established.
Why? Adults routinely speak on behalf of young people without any input from them. Again, why? Why did the adults, institutions, and public systems in my life deny my rights to better my own education? Was it “unreasonable” of me to expect better treatment than that? Did they think I simply couldn’t learn on my own? That I “needed” their specific brand of structure? That smells a little One True Way™ to me.
And, even more upsetting, why should things feel that way for so many people, of all ages, about many topics, in countless places around the world? Can’t we do better than this? Don’t you also hope, as I do, that one day we will do better?
Thankfully, the other extraordinary thing about human beings is that we have the capability to turn our ideas, our hopes, and our dreams into realities. In 2006, high school student Miranda Elliot campaigned with 50 other young adults to reform public sex education in Chicago public schools, and they did. Mel Rose Dingal, young activist participating in the 2009 Asia Pacific Conference on Reproductive and Sexual Health Rights, successfully changed the conference’s official statement regarding youth, creating one of the strongest youth statements calling policy makers from governments, private sectors, and civil society to actively address sexual rights and reproductive health of young people as a global goal.
The KinkForAll unconferences are not youth sexual rights events because, as an unconference, KinkForAll has no specific sexuality focus. Whoever participates are the right people. Whatever the topics are, they are the right ones. Neither myself nor, as far as I know, anyone else in the KinkForAll community wishes to recruit any specific individual to the unconference.
All I want is to maintain the accessibility of the event so it is available to any member of the human race who wants to participate. Again, KinkForAll always has been and should always remain 100% free and open to the public. All that being said, you can bet on my giving a presentation at KinkForAll Washington DC about youth sexual rights, because it’s an extremely important topic not only to me personally, but I think also to our children’s future. (And then, I did. I called it Sexual Adultism: The tragedy of youth sexual oppression.)
If you’re interested in helping out, please consider crossposting the message below on your blog, sending it to any email lists you belong to that accept such messages, tweeting about it, or just telling a friend you think might be interested in checking it out. Thank you.
PLEASE COPY AND CROSSPOST THIS MESSAGE FREELY.
KinkForAll is an ad-hoc educational unconference about the convergence of sexuality with the rest of life for anyone and everyone. It is 100% free and open to the public. Anyone with the desire to learn or with something to contribute is welcome and invited to participate.
Vitals
======
What: A free and highly social day of sexuality education and discussion.
Why: To inspire a creative, interactive and open environment where everyone feels comfortable talking and learning about all things that sexuality relates to in their lives.
When: November 21st, 2009 at 10:30 AM
Where: Montgomery County Executive Office Building at 101 Monroe Street, Rockville, MD (5 min walk from Rockville Metro station)
Who: Everyone
How much: FREE (as in beer as well as freedom)Details
=======KinkForAll is an ad-hoc gathering born from the desire for people of all persuasions to share and learn in an open environment. It is a fast-paced event with discussions, presentations, and interaction from all participants. (It is inspired by the BarCamp community.)
ANYONE WITH SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE OR WITH THE DESIRE TO LEARN IS WELCOME AND INVITED TO JOIN. When you attend, be prepared to share with others. When you leave, be prepared to share it with the world.
A KinkForAll is a special kind of gathering because there are no spectators, only participants. Attendees must give a talk or a presentation, help with one, or otherwise contribute in some way to support the event. This is called sharing and we like it. All presentations are scheduled the day they happen—there are no pre-scheduled presentations or keynote addresses. The people present at the event will select the presentations they want to see.
Anyone can lead a session, on any topic related to sexuality. You do not necessarily have to teach a new skill or idea. You might share an experience, facilitate a discussion, or read a poem. The goal is to start a conversation, make connections (and maybe even friends), and exchange knowledge. Presentations promoting specific commercial products or companies are discouraged.
Learn more about what to expect at
http://wiki.kinkforall.org/WhatToExpectLearn more about the event guidelines at
http://wiki.kinkforall.org/TheRulesOfKinkForAllThis activity is not sponsored by, associated with, or endorsed by Montgomery County Public Schools or Montgomery County Government.
Get Involved
============We need your help in spreading the word. Please help by participating.
Here’s how:
1. Get excited by reading fellow participants’ topic ideas on
http://wiki.kinkforall.org/KinkForAllWashingtonDC
2. Add your name or handle to the list of participants
3. Join the mailing list and introduce yourself by emailing
[email protected]
4. Show up!Still have questions? Read the Frequently Asked Questions at
http://wiki.kinkforall.org/FrequentlyAskedQuestionsor email [email protected] for more details.
KinkForAll Online
==============Participate online before the event at your favorite social networking web site:
Homepage: http://wiki.KinkForAll.org
Google: http://groups.google.com/group/kinkforall
Twitter: http://twitter.com/KinkForAll
Identica: http://identi.ca/kinkforall
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/KinkForAll/40066342762
Fetlife: http://fetlife.com/groups/2962All organizational efforts are coordinated in public via the mailing list. Join for free and help turn ideas into realities!
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by Meitar Moscovitz (maymaym) 's status on Sunday, 01-Nov-09 06:44:01 UTC - Identi.ca
01 Nov 2009 at 02:44
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by Emily
01 Nov 2009 at 00:02
I’m still not sure how exactly I feel about age-limit-or-not-to-age-limit, especially when faced with things like this in the mainstream political discourse. But I do know that this is absolutely spot-on:
I didn’t have sexual feelings when I was 10 and I’m not entirely sure I do now. But I do know that even now that I’m nearly 20, I wouldn’t dream of setting foot in the NYC scene. Of course, I’ve read enough about that very scene’s history to fill a library, but even knowing you’re in a place where “safe, sane, consensual” is practiced (and that’s certainly not the case for many places) does not mean that you feel safe in a personal, I’m-scared sense. And yes, that’s where KFA comes in. As I’ve said before, there are precious few places where you can talk about sex without talking about having sex; I’m thankful to you for helping to create one, and for being so firm on the point that you don’t even have to want to engage in sexual activity to participate.
The reason I’m grad school-bound is because academe is the only career path I can think of where it’s okay to be academically interested without being interested. But I’m aware that career path isn’t for everyone nor accessible to everyone, and that’s why we need KFA.
by maymay
01 Nov 2009 at 00:37
Yeah, that stuff is scary. I’ve already been all but directly accused of inciting illegal activities from people in my own community over this. It’s enormously distressing that such paranoia and lack of perspective is so prevalent. Being told by otherwise level-headed people that I’m going to go to jail for absurd reasons like helping to organize a peaceful sexuality unconference does make me lose sleep at night. But I know that being afraid is not the solution.
As a law-abiding citizen (not to mention law-code-reading citizen, which is more than I can say about some of the people I feel are attacking me over this), I have nothing to fear except fear itself. And neither should anyone else who acts with sound judgement and a rational mind.
Of the people I personally most want to see at a KFA unconference are asexuality advocates. As with youth, or any people who can be conveniently classified in a particular set, I do not intend to approach individuals for any kind of “recruitment” purposes, as has been suggested. However, I do believe that young people, asexual people, and a huge array of other people have an important perspective to add to any discussion about sexuality and that’s why I want to make sure they have the opportunity to speak up should they want to do so.
In America at least, we live in a free country. Americans should strive to live up to the enormous privilege that freedom gives us, and I think we ought to feel a responsibility to do something Good with that privilege.
Thank you! Your support means a lot.
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by 4yrs2l8's status on Sunday, 01-Nov-09 10:01:57 UTC - Identi.ca
01 Nov 2009 at 02:02
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by Jokerine
01 Nov 2009 at 04:04
I’m a huge fan of the unconference format. In the last two years it has enormously broadend my horizon, even though it was a relatively tame BarCamp. We are planing a GenderCamp, an unconference on Gender and Society in May that I am really looking forward to. That said, I can empathize with those who are afraid of having minors there. I guess they haven’t understood how to create a safe space, or how to distinguish having/negotiating sex from talking about sex. I’ve been thinking on how I learned about sex and realized I didn’t. We have a few youth magazines that are pretty good on sex education, how it feels, the emotions connected to it, but I spent the years that others read these in the US which as you know is woefully uneducational on sex. My parents never talked about it with me and neither did trusted adults. I didn’t ask questions either, nobody encouraged this. So really I didn’t know much about sex before I practiced it with my first partner which was late in my teens, because I didn’t feel I could trust the boys and girls I met. Even today I feel uneducated, still and would welcome going to a KinkForAll unconference, as I would have as a teen. Because I am naturally curious and listening to others talk about sex in a safe space and uneroticised environment would have done a lot towards developing a healthy sexuality. Also I think its great that you encourage asexuality advocates as well, being as I have periodically phases of asexuality and totally horniness.
by Morgan
01 Nov 2009 at 20:25
I just want to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
… Continuing this in an email because I’m a wimp.
But you are amazing, and thank you so much for writing this.
by maymay
02 Nov 2009 at 01:23
Thank you for your comment. It’s extremely validating to know people appreciate how much effort I put into things like this.
Preferring to communicate privately doesn’t make you a wimp, it just means you’re choosing to use a different tool for now. I hope you’ll forgive any possible delay of mine in getting back to you via email, though. :)
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by Jason Riedy (jasonriedy) 's status on Monday, 02-Nov-09 15:29:15 UTC - Identi.ca
02 Nov 2009 at 07:29
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by Nameless
02 Nov 2009 at 15:19
Hear hear. I always say that childhood is a form of benign slavery. And not always that benign.
The total lack of rights that children have, and the total lack of respect that children are treated with, even when they’re treated with affection, made me furious as a child, and still staggers me as an adult.
I so applaud you for this. This is one of the big reasons I feel I could attend a KinkForAll event (I hope one day to be near enough to one to attend), when I don’t feel I can go out on ‘the scene’.
I appreciate there are things like munches etc which are more ‘let’s talk’ and less ‘hit me with stuff’, but in general the apparent (I have to say apparent, as I can only judge by what I’m told about them) regularity of sexual activity at kink events and venues makes me feel I could never attend them. I can barely stand ordinary street-level type PDAs, let alone heavier stuff, and it confuses and frustrates me that public play seems to be accepted without question. It feels very excluding to me. It feels like a big fat in-group boundary marker – ‘You must be X levels of hardcore to ride this ride.’ Because doing sex-related stuff in public (I’m not going to get into the distinctions between sex and play, because to me, an outsider, play is a sexual activity) is a kink in and of itself, in the sense that it’s a specific interest which is not common to everyone. Not everyone is a voyeur, and not everyone is an exhibitionist, so why should we all be required to be such in order to feel comfortable at kink events? And why should we be obliged to turn up in fetishwear, as my local venue insists? Isn’t this thing supposed to be all about diversity and inclusion and being yourself?
Perhaps I’m sounding bitter*. I feel a little bitter, because I feel alienated. And surely, when you’re talking about people who might already feel alienated from the ‘mainstream’ (if such a thing can be said to exist), that’s the last thing they should have to feel from people with similar interests. And I can’t be the only one who feels this way. Just think of all the great people that ‘the scene’ is missing out on – all the kind people, the creative minds, the fresh perspectives.
No blame. Just a general dissatisfaction with the state of things. I’m so glad that KinkForAll exists. I hope it changes the world.
*I do feel sometimes like all I ever do is turn up on other people’s blogs and whinge!
by maymay
02 Nov 2009 at 15:38
@Nameless:
Yeah, this sort of stuff blows my mind almost every day, and somehow it’s so difficult to talk about because people have these totally irrational knee-jerk fear reactions and sometimes start insinuating that you’re a criminal. :(
By the way, if anyone is interested this topic, they would do well to browse some resources on fighting adultism. One of the seminal articles on the subject was written by Jon Bell in his brilliant and succinct piece, Understanding Adultism: A Key to Developing Positive Youth-Adult Relationships. Highly, highly, highly recommended (and short) read.
Right. As I’ve said before, I think it’s lovely that those places exist. I don’t have any grudge against the existence of play parties or eroticized spaces. I think people who want to go to those kinds of events should be free to do so. But I’m not interested in them, I’m not going to go to many, if any, of them, and I have stood here totally aghast at the dearth of non-eroticized sexuality spaces for years.
Again, it doesn’t mean I’m calling for the end of “The Scene” (whatever the hell that amorphous social sphere nobody seems to ever be able to define clearly is…), like some people have suggested. I’m just trying to make a new kind of space, one that’s obviously been sorely needed for a long time.
They feel that way to me, too. I’ve had a draft blog post on this blog for almost 6 months currently titled “Play parties are bad for inter-community spaces.” Hopefully I’ll get around to finishing that one of these days.
Oh my god…don’t EVEN get me started on dress codes. ;)
by Orlando C
03 Nov 2009 at 18:10
I love you, MayMay. You’re merging several of my own passions in this post….
While I won’t make it to KFA, I’m trying to do my bit with by consolidating research into kink on one website. I’ve only just started, but I hope you’ll enjoy it and/or have good suggestions for improvement.
by maymay
03 Nov 2009 at 18:22
:)
One of the things KFADC really needs right now is simply more awareness that it exists. Even if you can’t make it to the event physically, it would be super helpful if you could spread the word. Follow @KinkForAll on Twitter and retweet tweets, for instance, or copy-and-paste the message above and republish it on your own blog, and so forth.
Also, again even if you’re not going to be physically present at KinkForAll Washington DC, I’m hoping that we’ll get temporary Internet access set up for the event itself so you can participate in the tweet stream (using hashtag #KFADC), and/or whatever else we manage to get online during and after the event itself.
One day soon I hope we even manage to do live video streams of presentations. That’d be super nifty.
KinkResearch.blogspot.com looks very academic, which is very cool, but (as you might’ve been able to tell from this blog post) academia-ese is not my language. :) That said, such things are really necessary so I do hope you continue the project, as it seems interesting so far. Good luck!
by Ranai
04 Nov 2009 at 03:21
Thank you, Maymay. This is a good and necessary blog post.
Thing is, the alternative to freely available sexuality information for people under 18 is not no information, it’s misinformation.
Access to a variety of sources provides tools to sort through and discard the loads of nonsense (rumours, ‘helpful’ advice, mainstream media, outdated theories, fiction, pure imagination etc.) that gets thrown at us in our youth anyway. The collection of erroneous childhood beliefs on http://www.iusedtobelieve.com is funny and scary at the same time.
In the realm of sexual minority interests, the general misinformation flood to contend against, in proportion to content that has some grains of realism in it, is even higher. The things I used to believe about sadomasochism and fetishes, because of misinformation – ow.
On the one hand, I grew up in a family where we all went regularly to nude beaches at lakes and the sea. A side-effect of spending plenty of time nude under the sun and in the water was seeing plenty of humans of all shapes, sizes and ages in casual, non-eroticised environments. I am immensely grateful to my parents for not teaching me to associate nudity with shame.
Basic information about sexuality in general was available, not that plentiful, but okay.
On the other hand, I remained clueless what my fantasies which I now recognise as expressions of my kinky disposition were all about. As a girl, I had no realistic reference point at all for my fascination, out of the blue, with men being locked into complicated prisons, men getting enslaved against their will and tortured for good measure, or men who serve someone faithfully and devotedly under adverse circumstances. And as a girl, I didn’t talk about these fantasies with anyone. Correspondingly, I ‘knew’ that sadomasochists [insert stereotype], and since that didn’t appeal to me, obviously I ‘knew’ that I couldn’t be sadomasochistic.
I don’t wish other kinky people growing up the same obstacles.
I don’t think I’ve posted it on your blog yet, so: http://www.smjg.org is the website of SMJG – die BDSM-Jugend, a non-profit organisation with meetings, some regular and some sporadic, in different German cities. This one is a special interest organisation for and by younger people. No play, no dresscode. No cruising (chatting people up looking for a partner) allowed. Just to sit around and talk with other kinkily inclined people. Their age limit: under 27.
by Wendy Blackheart
04 Nov 2009 at 16:20
“Finding information about sexuality in public libraries and on the Internet very literally saved my young, questioning, and very isolated life.”
You know, I was such a library geek as a kid that it never crossed my mind to do anything *but* go to the library/find a book when I had questions about stuff adults wouldn’t talk to me about. And no one there ever questioned what I was looking for/at/etc. Librarians, while catty with each other, and just as judgy as anyone else behind closed doors are excellent allies of people getting the info they want and not censoring stuff. (Perhaps KFA’s should check into the spaces available at public libraries? I know my local library growing up had meeting rooms available, as do most others.)
I remember very clearly, when I was about 6 or so years old, I found a book in my parents basement about where babies came from. (It was rather well hidden, but I was pretty clever about finding things I wasn’t supposed to be able to find) It was aimed at someone about my age, and at the time I was a fluent reader on my own, so I sat down and started reading it. My mother found me, took it away, and slapped me. My friends in college, especially after meeting my mother, were amazed at how well adjusted I was, particularly with my sexuality. But I was lucky enough to 1) Have an aunt my marriage who was a nurse, and 2) Have the means an ability to use the library (by seven I would ride my bike there myself, and by a glitch, had an adult library card so I could take out anything I wanted)
I also had two very excellent sex ed teachers at school, who answered nearly all of our questions about sex and puberty (though they wouldn’t tell me what oral or anal sex were – I was a big fan of the sex q and a radio show ‘loveline’, where they answered questions, but didn’t go into specifics that adults already knew. Those terms, BTW, I learned while reading ‘the joy of sex’, which my public library had.)
Perhaps I became such a library geek because of the lack of adult information – I had nowhere else to go to, so I had to figure things out myself, and thankfully I was smart enough to realize most of my other sources (Ie, the other kids I knew) were just as clueless. And it wasn’t just sex that I desired to seek information about – I was trying to learn about other religions at the same time, since the whole Roman Catholic thing wasn’t working out well in my head, and god forbid I try to talk to my parents about alternatives. That, more than the sex, would have gotten me thrown out of my home (see 8th grade, when I almost *was* thrown out of my home. Yeah. 8th grade). I was also seeking out information on my mental state, which my parents intermittently acknowledged, but didn’t do much for. The inability to get this sort of information from adults was so, so frustrating.
Its why now, I’ve made myself completely available to all my sisters friends when they have questions on anything from ‘what should I do about this situation?’ to ‘hey, where can I buy a good dildo?’
by maymay
04 Nov 2009 at 16:33
Thanks for sharing your experience, Wendy.
Yeah, this is a great suggestion. In fact, a public library was one of the first suggested venues for KinkForAll Washington DC. It didn’t work out in the end, but the idea of using public resources for KFA unconferences is a good one, which is why I opened this blog post with the encouragement to do just that.
by Goose
04 Nov 2009 at 19:30
Ah, you are wonderful. XO
by maymay
05 Nov 2009 at 01:09
Ranai, this is a fantastic point:
It reminds me of the phrase “information wants to be free.” By restricting information of one kind, the result isn’t an information vacuum, since other information always fills its place, as you also describe.
The fact of the matter is that information is a tool, nothing more and nothing less. Information isn’t “right” or “wrong.” Information is distinct from moral judgements; there is no inherently “evil” or inherently “good” information. It’s what you do with that information that counts. (And, by the way, that reminds of this fantastic presentation about human visual perception.)
by Shaktiforce
05 Nov 2009 at 10:11
I am just presently starting to find my own voice as a person into ‘kink’, and what I don’t like, is use of the term ‘kink’, quite honestly. I think the name ‘kink for all’ is sort of exclusive, in a way. I am sorry, I mean no disrespect, and obviously am 100% for what you are doing!
But personally, I don’t like the use of the word ‘kink’ as it implies something less than healthy, something that we’re kind of ashamed of. It conjures up images of middle aged men, into rubber and studs, and possibly also into small children, and puts me off. There is more to us than that. I think it probably has that affect on a lot of people, if it has that effect on me!
I think if we are really to open up the world of deeper sexual exploration and acceptance to people of more ‘normal’ inclinations, then we have to lose that stigma of being rubber-clad ‘perverts’, and make ourselves more accessible still. (Hey, I am not knocking rubber, or perverts, for that matter, but I hope you follow what I mean!)
I don’t have another suggestion for what term to use, but wanted to bring this point up.
Not many people from the non-kink world will want to let their kids talk to people proclaiming ‘kink for all’.
I much prefer the term ‘sex-positive’.
Great article though, thank you, and please keep working hard to get the word out! Education is everything. Ignorance is what kills.
by maymay
05 Nov 2009 at 20:56
No disrespect taken. :) I’m happy you support me in this.
“Kink” does not imply that to me. Kink means “unconventional sexual taste or behavior,” nothing more and nothing less. The culturally-asserted implications you hint at are no different from the way words like slut, nigger, and queer were and in some cases still are perceived today.
Agreed. That’s why I dropped the association of “kink” as having anything inherently associated with long ago. Why haven’t you?
It’s a good point. It’s been brought up many times on the KinkForAll mailing list.
What do you think of as being “non-kink” or “kink” worlds? It sounds like you are making a distinction that I’m not.
Thank you again. Would you be interested in helping me to “get the word out”? Can you cross-post the KFADC announcement from the end of my post to your blog? That would be very helpful—and it doesn’t even involve “working hard.” :)
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by Meitar Moscovitz (maymaym) 's status on Saturday, 07-Nov-09 08:30:19 UTC - Identi.ca
07 Nov 2009 at 00:30
[…] http://maybemaimed.com/2009/11/01/on-youth-sexuality-education-and-your-fears/ […]
by Dw3t-Hthr
07 Nov 2009 at 19:47
Whenever I think about sex education and young people, I’m left with my persistent conviction that lack of real education about sex and relationships nearly got me raped at fourteen. This …leaves me rather emotional about the subject.
I’m typing this with my three month old daughter asleep in my lap.
This also leaves me rather emotional about the subject.
I need to know how to do for her better than was done for me.
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by Meitar Moscovitz (maymaym) 's status on Sunday, 08-Nov-09 08:12:22 UTC - Identi.ca
08 Nov 2009 at 00:12
[…] http://maybemaimed.com/2009/11/01/on-youth-sexuality-education-and-your-fears/ a few seconds ago from web […]
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09 Nov 2009 at 22:23
[…] http://maybemaimed.com/2009/11/01/on-youth-sexuality-education-and-your-fears/ a few seconds ago from web […]
by Shaktiforce
10 Nov 2009 at 14:28
Surely, I will post a link on my blog.
I’m new, I haven’t read a lot of things about this yet, that was just my own first impressions, that’s all. I am open to learning, myself. In fact, I’m craving it…
A lot of the things I have come across do involve middle aged men in rubber, unfortunately. It’s an image that whether true or not, is certainly prevalent in ‘consensus’ reality, on tv, etc. I would love to help change that image, and that’s one reason I started my blog. Because what I’ve found out when exploring further, is that that’s not what it is. But until you have the courage to explore, you’re stuck with that image of the word ‘kink’, for the most part.
by IsaacSapphire
12 Nov 2009 at 02:06
I could probably write a book in response to this.
There are a few political positions that have stayed constant for me as I transition from being a somewhat weird mostly-Conservative to being a totally weird all-over-the-map-and-also-off-it. That people under the age of eighteen diverse a lot more rights than they are granted under current law is one of them. I was homeschooled and very aware of my legal plight as a child when I was one.
I agree with you that sexuality information desperately needs to be available to young people. However, pedophilia is the bogyman of choice these days and adults are understandably hesitant to get anywhere near something that might end with them being called a pedophile.
An accusation, even if proven completely false, is enough to utterly destroy a person’s life, including making them permanently ineligible to work in certain industries, either legally or practically. And unless I miss something, you’re better off being convicted of murder than you are of having sex with a minor. At least murderers who’ve served their time aren’t forced by the government to live under bridges or abused by their neighbors.
During the recent elections I briefly thought about my old dream of being involved in local politics and realized that I can never go into politics of any sort with a web persona that discusses underage and other socially dubious forms of sex this that can be easily linked to my RL name.
The extremely high potential social and legal cost makes it hard to cavalierly say, “Let’s give out sex information to kids!” or “Let’s talk about teenage sexuality!”
by maymay
12 Nov 2009 at 08:33
@Shaktiforce:
Great, thank you!
I think KinkForAll unconferences could offer a lot of opportunity for making inroads for this kind of learning, exploring, and changing the status quo. :) I hope I’ll see you at one.
@IsaacSapphire:
Everything has a cost. The cost of failing to educate youth is already bankrupting countries, like this one.
Also, I wouldn’t describe anything in the above post as “cavalier.” I don’t think the magnitude of the problem or the high potential risk is a reason not to improve this horrific situation.
by Shaktiforce
12 Nov 2009 at 09:45
Thank you. I am in the wrong part of the country though.
I love the term ‘unconference’, that is very appealing.. lol
by Ily
15 Nov 2009 at 20:25
I really liked this post! There’s so much going on here that I’m not sure what exactly to comment on, but I’m always surprised at the fact that no one seems to acknowledge that kids will inevitably learn about sex. The only variable seems to be whether they’ll learn from reliable sources or, like you say, something like porn, or rumors from other kids.
Surely the people orchestrating sex education today (or the lack of it) went through the same confusion that everyone else did? How quickly they forget…
by maymay
15 Nov 2009 at 22:11
There are tons of people trying to provide good sex education for young people, but they are being thwarted time and time again by the fearful knee-jerk reactions I described in this post. A great example is actually me and everyone else involved in trying to make KinkForAll Washington DC a reality. That’s why I asked anyone and everyone to please, please cross-post the KFADC announcement that I ended this post with on their own blogs, and send it across to their friends to help us get the word out.
It may not seem like it, but doing that is really helpful, so I hope you, Ily, and everyone else who has commented on this post so far will go and do that now.
by Ily
16 Nov 2009 at 17:06
Yes- it was the “thwarters” I was referring to. I’ll post the Kinkfest information on AVEN– it would get a large audience there. I think some AVENites participated in an event like this in the past, so maybe there will be some new interest.
by maymay
16 Nov 2009 at 17:39
Thank you so much for spreading the word to the asexuality community, Ily. As I’ve said before, I’m constantly inspired by the thought-provoking ideas I see coming from discussions about asexuality that AVEN and other sites like your blog produce. I think it would be extremely rewarding for everyone who participates in a KinkForAll unconference for members of the asexuality community to take part in it as well. So thank you for all of that!
To be clear, though, the event is not called “Kinkfest,” it’s called “KinkForAll.” That’s important because there are several other “fests” that are extremely different from what a KinkForAll is, and I’d like to be sure people don’t get confused. :)
by Ily
17 Nov 2009 at 11:07
Guess I have fests on the brain! ;-)
by Mrs. Basement
20 Nov 2009 at 17:47
You make me wish I was in DC!
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by Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed › Sexual Adultism at KinkForAll Washington DC
23 Nov 2009 at 17:42
[…] of carelessly risking getting everyone involved registered as sex offenders. The amount of backlash coming from the alternative sexuality communities—groups of people who are supposedly sexually progressive—to the idea of being available to […]
by FamiliarFoxglove
04 Dec 2009 at 09:54
It makes me happy to see other people concerned about adultism and what it forces children through. I’m 26 and pretty much just beginning to REALLY face things done to me as a kid. There was an indefinite time period in kindergarten when a group of older boys would hold me down and do whatever they felt like to me behind a dumpster at school. I knew bad things were happening, but had no education or vocabulary to say EXACTLY what had happened. So when I tried to stick up for myself, I was told “nobody likes a tattletale.” The one time a teacher listened, it was simply a case of, “Now say you’re sorry and say one nice thing” on the part of the boys. There were so many bitter, sexually-negative taunts flying around on the playground, and NOBODY in a position to help DID ANYTHING. When I think about it, I feel like I go right back to being six, panicking and getting reprimanded for being too “emotionally sensitive,” because I know that no matter what anyone does to me, I will not receive any help. I am at least glad that I am no longer so medicated and withdrawn that I can’t recover from this, but it still hurts just as much, and I still have a lot of work to do. I hate hate hate to see children put at this kind of disadvantage, and I need to help curtail it because it makes me crazy(ier) to just watch it happen and sit back like another fat ‘n happy adult.
by maymay
05 Dec 2009 at 17:15
@FamiliarFoxglove:
Your story reminds me of an excruciatingly sad news story I saw recently: 13 year old Hope Witsell committed suicide because bullies at school distributed naked pictures of her to classmates. The media, many parents, and schools are all blaming “sexting,” even though respected sexologists say the root cause of the issue is a sex-negative culture and lack of sex education that encourages such bullying. I’m hugely disappointed at the response of school administrators and the fear-mongering that many media outlets are turning the story into, because it contributes to exactly the kind of sexual paranoia I discuss in this post and which prevents people from having the resources to stick up for themselves that you, and the late Hope Witsell, clearly needed.
In response to the news story, I started a wiki page on the (young) Sex Positive Resources Wiki to document the dangers of a sex-negative culture. Since it’s a wiki, you can edit every page on the site, so if you want to help, I would greatly appreciate your contributions.
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by Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed › My impressions on the new “sex-positive social network” Blackbox Republic
12 Dec 2009 at 21:06
[…] Social media. Internet publishing. Privacy. Three phrases that have seemed to be at tenacious odds with each other in a multitude of subtle and not-so-subtle ways. For people like me, who have progressive views about sexuality, these three things are constantly on our minds. How do we participate in the online revolution without being forced to “come out” about every sex act we enjoy, some of which are still illegal thanks to draconian restrictions on sexual freedom, even (and especially?) in America. […]
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by Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed › On Talking to Children and Adolescents about BDSM and Sex
31 Jan 2010 at 12:47
[…] email asking for further discussion about my two most recent posts regarding youth sexuality (On Youth, Sexuality, Education, and Your Fears and Sexual Adultism). In fact, I’ve received more than one, but this latest email was […]
by YoungPerson
11 Feb 2010 at 15:16
I know this comment is waaay late, but I’ve just discovered your blog and I simply had to comment. Maybe I should write this in a more personal correspondence, but this post seemed so relevant I feel I have to comment on this specific one-
I’m 16. In the UK, so legal, not that it should matter. I’m not ashamed to admit I’m a virgin – and the fact I feel the need to prefix that sentence with ‘I’m not ashamed’ is ridiculous (but that’s an entirely different issue). I’m still exploring my own sexuality, but I’ve always felt slightly isolated from others when it comes to relationships and sex – I don’t have a pressing urge to indulge in anything, but I have a fascination with sexuality and orientation. I’ve always been intrigued by the role of power in particular, not just in a sexual context: I like dark books, theatre and TV where there is any element of dominance, submission and fear – although it usually manifests itself as something more twisted to create an interesting story. The point is, my only access to any form of sexual ‘education’ if you will (apart from the ‘basics’ from school sex ed) was internet pornography. Even as a young teenager, I found mainstream porn too fake and soon discovered that it wasn’t seeing naked flesh that turned me on, but the reactions of a person when they are genuinely experiencing sexual pleasure – how people give themselves over to their sensations, and have little or no choice but to submit to their own pleasure.
… Basically, in a round-about way, I just want to thank you. Thank you for allowing me to discover and learn about sexuality without scouring the internet in the vein hope of finding intelligent and informative text that isn’t just ‘LOOK! WE HAVE PORN!’. I do have friends who I discuss sex and sexuality with, but the things I’m interested in – the real-life exploration of kink in an environment where it is the norm – would probably squick them. Especially coming from the ‘innocent’ one who’s never had a proper partner.
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by Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed › The Salvation Army incites personal attacks against me; a blog reply
25 Mar 2010 at 16:25
[…] at least, they might if you were me, what you believed in was that everyone on Earth deserves the capability to access public discussions about the intersection of sex…, and they were the (rather inappropriately named for this particular initiative of theirs) […]
by The Beautiful Kind
19 May 2010 at 06:02
My ex-husband does not agree with some of the things I share with my daughter about sex. He thinks she should be more shielded. I never bring topics up out of the blue, but if she has a question I do my best to answer honestly.
Someone told me about the difference between an innocent child and a knowing child. An innocent child is fiercely protected and kept ignorant. A knowing child is fiercely protected and is given honest, realistic information about the world.
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by It’s not changing the world that’s hard « Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed
17 Oct 2010 at 02:21
[…] when I was really young, when I was about 10. And I started to look at pornography when I was 10, I found the Internet at that age, and I knew even then that it would be about 8 years or so before even the things that I wanted […]
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by I am no Hercules « Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed
15 Nov 2010 at 00:32
[…] whatever) often felt just as alienating and often just as downright fucking sexist and classist and exclusionary as what they said they were breaking free from in the hegemonic […]
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by Why Calling Your Own Side Out is Hard: Musings on Principles and Advocacy « Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed
05 Feb 2011 at 03:19
[…] just like any other marginalized group. Only proactively principled stances, often in the face of opposition including from within your own group, move us as a community and ultimately as a society towards a more just and healthy […]