The irony of what I’ll momentarily write about makes me giggle. The rawness of it makes me sad. And the details of it make me very angry.

Last Saturday, February 25th, dozens upon dozens of people converged on the Tivoli Student Union for KinkForAll Denver (KFADEN). To many, the event was a thrilling and eye-opening experience. To some, it was that, and also deeply painful and uncomfortable. That discomfort was expressed most publicly today in an article by Jenn Wohletz published in the Denver Westword:

[S]everal prominent local kinksters were noticeably missing, including Denver’s premiere dominatrix and kink community leader Mistress Saskia[…].

[…]

Mistress Saskia says she believes [maymay] is on a “personal crusade to attack the kink community[…].”

This makes me giggle because if one knows anything about me in relation to KinkForAll, one probably knows of personal attacks two professors named Donna M. Hughes and Margaret Brooks made against me for being a BDSM-friendly sex-positive activist. Way back in 2010, I was too BDSM-friendly for the religious right. Now, in 2012, I’m apparently too anti-BDSM for “the kink community”? Go figure.

Understanding KinkForAll

Before I go any further, it’s important to understand what KinkForAll is, as well as what it is not:

  • KinkForAll is a coordinated autonomous action, akin to a flashmob-style conference, at which every person regardless of age, affiliation, ethnicity, orientation, identity (gender or otherwise), race, or any other characteristic may participate.
  • KinkForAll is not “a BDSM conference,” nor is it a conference “to learn about BDSM.” Nevertheless, to date, learning about BDSM has happened at every single KinkForAll unconference ever produced.
  • KinkForAll is a non-hierarchically organized collective of people who work in concert towards one and only one shared goal: making KinkForAll unconferences happen.

Here’s the tricky one, the one most people fail to understand the hard radical implications of:

  • KinkForAll is not a legal, political, personal, financial, corporate, or government entity of any kind. In other words, KinkForAll is a social technology, a methodology, and a pattern of behavior. KinkForAll is not an individual event. It is not the sum of multiple events. It is a blueprint, a framework, and an idea with an arguably confusing name. Specific KinkForAll unconferences are not KinkForAll and KinkForAll is not a specific unconference. Each informs the other, but only in the same way that the Atlantic Ocean informs Lake Eerie and vice versa.

Since that confuses many people, let me break it down in practical terms:

  • No individual or group who donates money, time, or energy towards making KinkForAll unconferences happen is in any way more or less entitled to determine the content of a specific KinkForAll unconference than any other individual or group. Saying “there are no taboo conversations,” means just that: you get to come and say whatever you want.
  • At the same time, no individual or group who donates money, time, or energy towards making a specific KinkForAll unconference happen is in any way more or less entitled to alter the structure of KinkForAll unconferences. Saying “there are no pre-scheduled presentations,” and “sexual activity is not welcome during the KinkForAll unconference” means just that: if you want to do a presentation at a KinkForAll unconference, you must physically show up, find an open slot on the schedule grid, and execute your presentation within the space and time constraints of that slot. You must also refrain from “having sex,” including and especially behaving erotically and exhibitionistically—whatever and no matter what that means for you—at KinkForAll unconferences.

One point in the above exposition is so important it deserves being repeated: learning about BDSM has happened at every single KinkForAll unconference ever produced. This same fact cannot be said for an inordinately huge number of other topics, such as disability rights and its intersection with sexuality (to name just one of many possible examples). Every KinkForAll unconference has historically lacked discussions on these other intersectional topics.

The reason for this is simple: KinkForAll is a privileged space for BDSM’ers. BDSM’ers are now, and have always been, the dominant social group at every KinkForAll unconference. Don’t take my word for it, take Jeff Jizz’s, Mistress Saskia’s husband, a KinkForAll Denver participant, and a person referenced in Jennifer Wohletz’s article about the event. By Jeff’s own count of the participants at KinkForAll Denver:

I would say at least 50% of the attendees I saw were BDSM’ers and that number would have been much higher if shit did not hit the fan.

BDSM topics have historically overwhelmed the session grids at KinkForAll unconferences. As I said on Facebook:

KinkForAll’s less-represented participants, such as people of color, people with disabilities, even self-identified “vanilla” people, have consistently hesitated to lead sessions on topics they, themselves, deemed too far askew from BDSM. I’m certain these people have valuable things to say, yet the degree to which many have internalized “not being kinky enough for KinkForAll”—which means not having enough BDSM Scene cool points—has kept many hesitant and fearful of participating.

This is not a surprise. The predominance of BDSM-centrism at KinkForAll unconferences meant that it has been at the mercy of all the systemic racism, classism, and inaccessibility of the BDSM Scene proper.

This, despite the fact that the “Kink” in KinkForAll is not synonymous with BDSM. This, despite the fact that I have been making that point ever since the moment KinkForAll was conceived, years ago. This, despite the fact that so many structural aspects of KinkForAll—its 20-minute session limit, its reliance on crowd sourcing rather than on making purchases with money—were intentionally designed to counteract the systemic influences that make so many BDSM-centric events largely accessible only to people who are white, heterosexual, class-privileged, cisgendered, able-bodied, and so on.

BDSM has moved up; it has taken up a lot of room at KinkForAll unconferences. It is time for BDSM to move back, to talk a little less, and to listen to others a little more. Since “BDSM” is not a person, and since KinkForAll is structurally designed to ensure discussions on any topic cannot be unilaterally excluded, it is up to us, collectively, to check BDSM’s privilege at specific KinkForAll unconferences when we participate in them.

BDSM Scene-State figureheads are not good role models

I have personally spent an enormous amount of energy encouraging people who, for instance, want to wear their “vanilla boots” to a KinkForAll unconference to do so. In the past, other unorganizers and passionate community builders—people like Emma, Aida Manduley, Rebecca Crane, and Ben K.—have done the same. Sadly, such people’s valuable contributions have yet again gone largely unacknowledged in favor of hurling ad-hominen insults against me and people I care about. For instance, in reference to Alisa, Jeff wrote:

UPDATE: It looks like the comments from which I quote, below, written on a post by a KFADEN participant (named Isaac, the person pictured in Jenn Wohletz’s article) were made inaccessible to many people. Since I couldn’t possibly imagine that Isaac wants to limit the reach of anyone’s voice who weighed in with an opinion on his post (he is staunchly anti-censorship, after all!) you can download a copy of the thread here. If you use the Safari browser on Mac OS X, you can download a .webarchive of it here. And here’s a screenshot.

Lol oh look another star fucker. Just read her blog and you can see whose blog whoring dick is up her ass.

That is stupid and a waste of time. But more to the point, devaluing a woman’s work based on who she fucks is the very definition of sexism and sex-negativity.

Yes, these verbal jabs may be stupid and a waste of time, but they hurt. They hurt a lot. But you know what hurts a whole lot more? Feeling abandoned and thrown to the beasts of -isms by a self-identified anti-oppression “community.”

And that’s why I said this on the KinkForAll mailing list:

[S]ince no one else seems to be able or willing to do so, I just want to point out the fucked-up-ness of a lauded BDSM Scene member who owns a for-profit BDSM venue with his married partner calling me and Alisa “blog whore”s and “pimps,” (and, as an aside, WHAT is WITH all the sex work slurs, Jeff?! For fuck’s sake, YOU AND YOUR WIFE OPERATE A PRO-DOMME HOUSE AND MAKE AND SELL PORN!) who calls Alisa’s “voice…just an extension of Maymay’s,” erasing her agency by using misogynistic ad-hominem insults.

I’m not surprised at Jeff’s behavior. I’m *disappointed* in everyone else who’s apparently too invested in this BDSM Scene-State Work-Play economy that they’re not saying one peep about, or at least not *noticing* behavior like Jeff’s. Don’t you fancy yourselves well-versed and sensitive to anti-oppression work? Is Jeff’s social capital that strong? Is that not also a form of power worth criticizing?

And in making these points I’m not even talking directly about the way behavior like Jeff’s effects *me,* or Alisa (despite the fact that it does). Rather, I’m talking about the structural ways behavior like Jeff’s contributes to a system called the BDSM Scene that keeps submissive-identified people of any gender from claiming personal autonomy, that makes it easy for abusers and rapists to prey in BDSM venues, and worse. Jesus fucking christ, people! This dynamic mirrors an abused person defending their abusers. What are we so afraid of or hurt by that makes it difficult to see this clearly?!

On a personal note, Jeff’s comments about Alisa make me angry because they read to me as simultaneously saying Alisa can’t be her own woman AND that I can’t be anything other than a typical, dominant male. This is similar to how angry I was at my ex-partner’s dad when I learned that he faulted me for corrupting her into being sexually dominant. It’s why I rage against statements from academics like Robin Morgan’s that insist male submission is an expression of “envy.” It’s part of why Donna Hughes attacked ME and not my then-partner. That shit makes me want to punch walls. If you can’t see Alisa as the independent, powerful person she is, Jeff, then you can’t see me as being a human with vulnerabilities and authentic submissive desires, either. And for that, fuck you very much.

And also, shame on everyone else who might’ve called Jeff out on that sexist bullshit but chose not to because he’s a friend (and no one wants to hurt their friends) or because he could ban you from the RACK Room and that would suck for you.

Your behavior, Jeff, is why the BDSM Scene is a sexist and sexually-classist environment. That others are more invested in their affiliations with The Scene than in seeing that Scene structure for the oppressive system it is makes them complicit in that sexism and classism, too. And that’s the reason why *I* am going to continue to make sure privileged BDSM bullshit is made uncomfortable by me, as an individual, *and* why I want KinkForAll unconferences to remain events at which *discussions* (not demos) about BDSM are no more or less encouraged by the *structural building blocks of the event* as any other topic.

If that last sentence seems like a paradox to you, Jeff (or anyone else reading, for that matter), then I invite you one more time to schedule a coffee date with me while I’m in town (I leave Colorado on March 6th) so we can ACTUALLY TALK about this.

Otherwise, go jump off a cliff, like I did. Maybe your Open Source Sexuality group (which you started on the same day as KFADEN, awesome!) can be that cliff for you. I genuinely wish you all the luck in the world making that a success. I would love to see it thrive here in Denver. It wouldn’t be the first time people who had a bad taste in their mouths about KinkForAll decided to do their own thing, and I am actually REALLY HAPPY (really) to see other people *doing* interesting stuff, even if it’s got nothing to do with KinkForAll.

Checking your privilege does not feel good. If some BDSM Scene’sters in Denver are feeling a little wounded, if the “premier dominatrix” of the Denver BDSM Scene is feeling pissed off that the red carpet wasn’t just rolled out for her on-demand, if the BDSM Scene’s aristocracy did not feel that their star-bellied sneech-stars were admired enough at this one event, that’s because KinkForAll Denver is not about them; fuck them, because this isn’t for them, anyway.

It’s also not about me. But in trying to shift the focus away from what KinkForAll Denver is actually about and towards me instead, the puny kings of puny hills are able to gleefully maintain the privileges they’ve become indebted to and simultaneously infuriatingly ignorant of.

Substantive reporting about KinkForAll Denver could have talked about the ideas that were discussed—yes, including the one I’m writing about right now—or the serendipitous interactions that participants had, interactions which may not have happened otherwise. It could have talked about what it means to expose a group of active, engaged people to a methodology for producing low-cost, extremely social events that challenge everything about familiar status quos. It could have critiqued the way KinkForAll succeeds or fails to engender self-empowerment from each participant. It could have asked questions about the nature of educational systems, what collaborative relationships look like and how to build them, the accessibility or inaccessibility of sexual information, ways to identify entrenched bigotries and how best to excise them, and much, much more.

Participating in a KinkForAll unconference is about the intense challenge of putting oneself in an uncomfortable but not dangerous situation, of learning how to “move up” and claim your personal autonomy, your agency, and your power when you need to, and learning how to “move back” to respect others who share this home we call Earth. KinkForAll unconferences are self-empowerment training areas. Unless you turn them into something else. Ironically, KinkForAll is designed to let you turn it into whatever you want it to be. Why squander that?

KinkForAll is an intense event. It is not designed to be a “safe space” event. Rather, it is designed to encourage people, in public space, to step outside their comfort zones in a way that lowers their costs of failure for doing so. And that’s what KinkForAll Denver did.

To Jennifer Wohltez, I ask: Is it really worth neglecting to cover hours upon hours of KinkForAll Denver sessions about everything from “Bikesexuality” to “Human Centered Design for Better Community Experience” to “The Physics of Sex Machines and Vibrators” because the egos of some BDSM Scene-State elites got bruised? I think that’s sensationalist reporting and it’s something, like I told you over email (published, at the end of this post), I’d hoped was beneath you.

For fuck’s sake, Jenn, you categorized your article “Fight!”? Are you really that immature? Are you really more interested in a Saskia vs. Maymay, get-ready-to-rumble-style cage match? I promise you, I’m not as interesting as the challenge of addressing embedded racism, sexism, classism, ableism, adultism, and many other kyriarchical issues inside “anti-oppression communities.”

Worse, the article you wrote wasn’t even accurate. Lazy reporting disappoints me even more than tabloid sensationalism. But, since transparency matters to me, I’m going to disentangle this ridiculousness one last time. Here goes.

Decontextualization is unethical, and petty

We’ve encountered decontextualization before. Funnily enough, it’s also a classic pattern used by sex-negative media. We know how it works—and, wow, does decontextualization ever work! We also know how to combat it: make primary sources available and accessible.

Let’s take it from the top. In the article, Jennifer writes:

[T]wo KinkForAllDenver organizers censored presentations to discourage too much BDSM content and actively sought to exclude local kinksters.

First of all, note the repeated conflation of “kinksters” and BDSM’ers—this reveals the limitations of Jennifer Wohletz’s understanding of KinkForAll, as well as “kink” more generally. Secondly, “censored” is a loaded word; it was used in precisely the same way Donna M. Hughes used “sex trafficking” in her review of the Happy Endings? documentary.

Writing that “organizers censored presentations” is also just plain false. I repeatedly asked Jeff and Isaac, the people who “staged a protest” to upload their session slides so that they could be more widely disseminated, not less. I did this not just at KFADEN itself, but then multiple times on Facebook, as well:

By the way, I *also* asked for a copy of the slideshow, from you, personally, after your session.

[…]

I asked you point blank after your session, “Can I see your slides or something?” And you said, something to the effect of “They’re around,” with no other overture to offer me any kind of access to your material.

After the slides were finally published, it was I who linked to them from the KinkForAll Denver schedule grid.

Moreover, Rebecca Crane had this to say, which was unsurprisingly not published in nor linked to from Jennifer Wohletz’s piece:

I had an extended e-mail exchange with Saskia off-list [now public] in which we discussed possible presentation topics, and I expressed *repeatedly* that I was interested in and excited about the Biofeedback workshop she’d suggested, and that I was personally looking forward to attending.

[…]

I think all this silliness about how Saskia’s presentations were “shot down” or she was “encouraged not to come” is just that: silliness. I personally invited and encouraged Saskia’s involvement repeatedly, in several different formats, including through mutual friends, directly myself via e-mail, and even trying to “raise a white flag” after all the drama between her and maymay by personally taking KFADEN fliers to a party at the RACK Room – where, incidentally, she essentially refused to so much as make eye-contact with me much less have a conversation.

So where did all this “silliness” come from? In her article, Jennifer Wohletz writes:

Mistress Saskia […] was originally planning to present on biofeedback breathing and scene identities and roles.

Here we see what I call the “confuse” tactic:

This tactic relies on an audience not to fact-check, as it includes outright lying, omitting important facts (“de-contextualizing”), and even creating false contexts. In this way, the tactic is identical to Andrew Breitbart’s famous example: take the facts, strip them of context, and present them in as emotionally charged a way as possible.

Herein lies the danger of being too complacent, of not being skeptical enough. The people presenting information will take advantage of others’ inaction, exploiting that for all it’s worth using severely biased or baseless claims.

There’s lots of chatter about a possible “biofeedback breathing” or a “scene identities and roles” session, and not a word about the one topic idea from Saskia that I (not KinkForAll Denver, but I, maymay) actually objected to due, in part, to the demonstrative rather than discursive nature of it: “Temporary body mod/art (would need volunteer bodies willing to be stapled/sutured/pierced).”

And even despite my vociferous objections, Saskia very well could have done a piercing workshop if she actually showed up, signed up for a session slot on the KinkForAll Denver schedule grid, started and finished within 20 minutes, and did not violate the venue’s rules. But Saskia needed to show up to make it happen, and I, for one, am glad that to the best of my knowledge, no one was stapled, sutured, or pierced at KFADEN. Saying that anyone “censored” anything is a petty lie.

And then there’s this:

in an attempt to “extend an olive branch” and facilitate advertisement of the KFADEN event, [maymay] and Crane and were then invited to attend a private gathering in Mistress Saskia’s dungeon under the auspices of promoting the event.

“Rebecca and Maymay came to a RACK Room event with the express intent of promoting the event by discussing it with other guests and by flyer-ing,” says Saskia.
But [maymay] showed up with a notebook and asked people questions, she continues, which he recorded and then posted on one of his personal blogs — a violation of safe space and guest privacy. “Nobody gave consent to be interviewed for a blog post,” Saskia insists.

Since linking to primary sources is a bad idea when what you are doing is decontextualizing something, it’s no surprise that the Westword article has no links at all except to other Westword articles. Fact of the matter is I’ve already addressed this elsewhere when I responded directly to Jeff on the KinkForAll mailing list:

First of all, I didn’t have a notepad, I used my own business cards and a pen to write notes to myself, mostly notes about the imagery the RACK Room featured on the walls, and also contact information for the people I spoke to when they offered me links to their websites and FetLife profiles.

I tried several times to have a conversation with you at the RACK Room and you hardly even looked up from your computer all night at Matriarchy. Part of the reason I accepted your gracious invitation to come flyer for KFADEN *was to meet with you and Saskia.* For her part, when I tried to introduce myself [to] Saskia, she barely took my hand, never made eye contact, and just kept walking by me. For your part, when I finally moved to head back to my hosts’, I approached you one last time while fetching my things in a last ditch effort to actually *have* a conversation with you.

Again, you barely acknowledged my presence, citing that it was “totally a work night” or something like that. I sympathized, stating again that I was familiar with the IT/sysadmin grind, and stating, “Well, I’ll be at KFADEN. Maybe I’ll see you there?” As I recall, it was at that point you pushed yourself away from the table, finally looked up at me, and said, “Oh, I’ll definitely be there.” I remember because it seemed odd that you would suddenly be so emphatic.

[…]

Obviously, I pissed you off on the mailing list (and I’m in no way sorry about that) but, of the two of us, I was not the one who chose to disengage first.

All of this is about me and Saskia or Jeff. This is stupid and wastes energy. Back on Facebook, Rebecca Crane made the following observation:

I’m actually quite happy with how the article came out. :) First and foremost because I think it illustrates a VERY interesting point re: my comment about “power, privilege, and influence within our local communities.”

Note that KinkForAll – Denver, which a huge diversity of communities worked on together for months, got a 22 paragraph write-up in the Westword – and yet, somehow, that write-up is largely dominated by the voice and opinion of a single person. A person who wasn’t even at the event. A person who, incidentally […] is a personal friend of the journalist who wrote this post.

This article — the only major news coverage that KFADEN received after months of work by many, many people — isn’t ABOUT KinkForAll Denver. This article is about Saskia Davies and why she didn’t go to KinkForAll Denver. I just think that’s interesting.

This behavior is typical of the BDSM Scene’s bullshit. Good people like Rebecca Crane pour their hearts and souls into making something awesome happen, and then the much larger traditional BDSM’ers peanut gallery throw verbal jabs. I have seen this time and again in every social institution I have been privy to. It happens on the extreme political right to disenfranchise us, sexually vocal people! The BDSM Scene should hold itself to a higher standard. That it doesn’t thoroughly disgusts me.

KinkForAll’s transparency is expressly intended to mitigate this inanity. That’s why I’m glad there are so many documented interactions. You don’t have to believe me. Just empower yourself to fact check.

And if you ever need a BDSM Scene-State-sponsored writer, don’t hesitate to contact Jennifer Wohletz at the Denver Westword. According to Jeff Jizz, she’s “the perfect reporter to cover this,” so she’s unquestionably an invaluable person for BDSM Scene-State yes-men to know about.

Email Conversation with Jennifer Wohletz from the Denver Westword about KinkForAll Denver

From: 	[Jennifer Wohletz] <[email protected]>

Subject: 	It's Jenn from Westword--questions for the KFADEN story

Date: 	February 25, 2012 11:27:42 PM MST

To: 	[maymay] <[email protected]>

Hello again! Thanks for speaking with me today, and I have a few follow-up questions before I post the story on Monday a.m. I’m also sending Rebecca similar questions.

The group who did the protest demonstration today and some local kinksters here in the Denver community have made allegations of censorship, exclusion and possible misappropriation of funds donated for the event, and I want to give you the opportunity to respond to those.

Thanks, and I’d appreciate it it if you could get these back to me tomorrow so I can post your side of the story in the piece.

Questions:

Here are some quotes from the Silence is Golden: A Quiet Approach to Free Speech About Sexuality presentation. Would you please verify if these quotes came from you?

1. “Traditional BDSM’ers are welcome to come and be made uncomfortable by me.”
2. “It is my expressly stated intention to make “traditionalists” uncomfortable. I enjoy it, I’m good at it, and I’m not going to pull any punches in Denver or anywhere else. My aim is to destroy every “safe place” for privledged BDSM bullshit anywhere within my reach. And yes, that includes KinkForAll.”
3. “I don’t think the scene is doing good work. I think it’s awful and I’m so fed up with it I’m almost ready to burn it down.”

  • Were local BDSMers invited to attend and/or present at KFADEN?
  • Do you have a personal issue(s) with the BDSM community?
  • It’s being alleged that you create drama in BDSM scenes in different cities, including Denver, then posy blogs about it in order to drive traffic to your websites. How do you respond to this allegation?
  • Do your personal feelings and opinions about BDSMers and the BDSM community via your personal/professional blogs make it a conflict of interest for you to be an organizer of KFA events?
  • It’s also been alleged that KFA event organizers being labeled as “un-organizers” gives you and other organizers a lack of accountability. How do you respond to that?
  • It has also been alleged that you asked for, and accepted donations to secure the KFADEN space, and after the event was subsidized by a sponsor group, the money collected was spent on t-shirts at a markup, and the extra money was pocketed by you. What is your response to this?
  • Who owns the KinkForAll store?

Thank you—I will send you a link to the story when it posts if you like.

Jennifer Wohletz
Freelance Writer
*Now with Denver Westword flavor crystals!

Subject: 	Re: It's Jenn from Westword--questions for the KFADEN story
From: 	maymay <[email protected]>
Date: 	February 26, 2012 9:50:29 PM MST
To: 	[Jennifer Wohletz] <[email protected]>
Cc: 	Rebecca Crane <[email protected]>

Hi Jenn,

Thanks for making it out to KinkForAll Denver yesterday! I’m really glad to have gotten the opportunity to meet you. I didn’t notice if you left shortly after we spoke or not (I don’t remember seeing you later), but I hope you had a good time and got the opportunity to meet interesting people, have interesting conversations, or had an interaction that you may not have expected to have the opportunity to enjoy otherwise. :)

Please accept my apologies on the (relative) brevity of this email. I’m trying to wrap up a lot of loose ends for myself here in Denver and Boulder and, at the same time, preparing to travel to Atlanta, Georgia where I’m slated to present the opening keynote to the Atlanta Poly Weekend conference. I’m very excited about it![0]

The group who did the protest demonstration today and some local kinksters here in the Denver community have made allegations of censorship, exclusion and possible misappropriation of funds donated for the event, and I want to give you the opportunity to respond to those.

Questions:

Here are some quotes from the Silence is Golden: A Quiet Approach to Free Speech About Sexuality presentation. Would you please verify if these quotes came from you?

[…redundant quotation clipped for brevity…]

All of my correspondence with the people who I understand participated in that KinkForAll session are archived and publicly available on the KinkForAll mailing list. I can’t verify these were quotes from the session because, as you know, I was not present at that session. (I was, instead, participating in the Sex Worker Q&A session that was happening in Room A at the time.)[1][2][3] Instead, I’ll encourage you to verify that these were, in fact, quotes taken from our correspondence by running searches against our publicly accessible archives:

https://groups.google.com/group/kinkforall

It might be useful to you to read through the archives so that you can gain more information about what was said, by whom, and in what context, as I’m sure that will make for a more interesting article.

Also, I have a question for you: is it your understanding that the KinkForAll session you’re asking me about was a “protest demonstration”? My understanding is that it was a KinkForAll session. Can you tell me who, if not you, is characterizing it differently and, if so, can you tell me a bit more about why? Even better, I’d love to hear about that in their own words, perhaps even via an email on the KinkForAll mailing list! :)

Please consider yourself and everyone else, invited to air their concerns on the KinkForAll mailing list or to discuss whatever they’d like related to allegations made against KinkForAll (or me in relation to KinkForAll) there. The list is open access; anyone can join by sending an email to “[email protected]”[4] This is an invitation I’ve extended to other individuals who have been angered or upset in relation to previous KinkForAll events. You may be interested in those, too. If so, feel free to follow up on that history, as well; all of that is, as you might have guessed by now, publicly available.[5]

It’s also been alleged that KFA event organizers being labeled as “un-organizers” gives you and other organizers a lack of accountability. How do you respond to that?

I’ve addressed this concern numerous times in the past. You might be interested in taking a read through my public response to concerns raised regarding “unstructured” events and how the transparent nature of KinkForAll’s “unorganizing” model increases individuals’ accountability during the process, rather than decreasing it:

http://maybemaimed.com/2010/03/27/addressing-donna-m-hughes-and-margaret-brooks-concerns-over-kinkforall-unconferences/

I hope this helps!

It has also been alleged that you asked for, and accepted donations to secure the KFADEN space, and after the event was subsidized by a sponsor group, the money collected was spent on t-shirts at a markup, and the extra money was pocketed by you. What is your response to this?

Again, why not just reference the source?

https://groups.google.com/group/kinkforall/browse_thread/thread/ebed1fb6ddd368a2#msg_ad934dcf407769d4
https://groups.google.com/group/kinkforall/browse_thread/thread/3384fc7f07c26d34

I’m particularly disappointed to hear that there is a rumor of KinkForAll shirts ever having “a markup.” That’s just not true. Moreover, Rebecca and I were very, very careful to make sure that the zero-profit/no-markup pricing was clear.[6]

Who owns the KinkForAll store?

Some company called Printfection, Inc. does. :) Again, why not take a look at the KinkForAll store to get this information:

1) Load http://store.kinkforall.org
2) Read the bottom: “This service is powered by Printfection.com.”
3) Compare the prices listed on all KinkForAll merchandise to the base prices listed at Printfection’s public pricing guide:
http://www.printfection.com/customer/custom.php?tab=3
4) See that no markup exists. ;)

  • Were local BDSMers invited to attend and/or present at KFADEN?
  • Do you have a personal issue(s) with the BDSM community?
  • It’s being alleged that you create drama in BDSM scenes in different cities, including Denver, then posy blogs about it in order to drive traffic to your websites. How do you respond to this allegation?
  • Do your personal feelings and opinions about BDSMers and the BDSM community via your personal/professional blogs make it a conflict of interest for you to be an organizer of KFA events?

Again, I apologize for not being able to link you to *all* the threads on the mailing list where this has already been discussed, but I encourage you to follow your information to its source. :) My personal opinions are no more a secret to any interested reader than the KinkForAll mailing list archives are. You’re more than welcome to peruse any of my published critiques of the BDSM Scene as you wish.[7][8][9][10]

That said, I honestly don’t understand why you’re asking so many questions about me and not, y’know, the awesome sessions that happened at KinkForAll. Did you get to see, for instance, “Bikesexuality: Bike Smut & Self-Sufficient Transportation Meets Sexual and Physical Health”? How about “Physics of Sex Machines and Vibrators”? If you just didn’t get a chance, today I’ve been working to make them available online for free[11][12] so consider watching them through! :) When the remainder are posted online by whoever recorded those sessions, you’ll be able to access them from the KinkForAll Denver Schedule archive page:

http://wiki.KinkForAll.org/KinkForAllDenverSchedule

I’d feel very sad if these and other innovative presentations at KinkForAll Denver were downplayed in your article in favor of headlining a personal disagreement between KFADEN participants. If you’d like to contact other participants, including the ones who lead sessions, many of them have left their contact information on the KinkForAll Denver sign-up page.[13] You are, of course, empowered to ask them of their experience as well, and I hope you do. :)

Cheers,
-maymay
Blog: http://maybemaimed.com
Talk show: http://KinkOnTap.com
Community: http://KinkForAll.org

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

[0] http://atlantapolyweekend.com/2012-atlanta-poly-weekend-presenters
[1] https://twitter.com/maymaym/status/173476240097951746
[2] https://twitter.com/maymaym/status/173475247381688321
[3] https://twitter.com/maymaym/status/173474921777872897
[4] http://wiki.KinkForAll.org/UsingTheKinkForAllMailingList
[5] https://groups.google.com/group/kinkforall/browse_thread/thread/4020d397e88241ed
[6] https://groups.google.com/group/kinkforall/browse_thread/thread/3384fc7f07c26d34#msg_a2c70a9569a18a3e
[7] http://malesubmissionart.com/post/5498352136/an-opulently-dressed-man-in-greek-inspired
[8] http://days.maybemaimed.com/post/16036372049/the-bdsm-scenes-whiteness-is-classism-at-work
[9] http://maybemaimed.com/2011/12/04/on-being-bondage-furniture/
[10] http://maybemaimed.com/2011/07/16/on-letting-the-world-burn/
[11] https://twitter.com/maymaym/status/173927327326154752
[12] https://twitter.com/maymaym/status/173855907753631744
[13] http://wiki.KinkForAll.org/KinkForAllDenver

As it turns out, Saskia was spreading rumors about my “misappropriation of funds.” On FetLife, she wrote:

Maymay decided to get the tshirts through a company that let’s the purchaser set the price over the printing costs, then pocket the discrepancy. So maymay profited personally.

Which, of course, is just an outright lie.

From: 	[Jennifer Wohletz] <[email protected]>
Subject: 	Re: It's Jenn from Westword--questions for the KFADEN story
Date: 	March 1, 2012 10:56:13 AM MST
To: 	maymay <[email protected]>

Thank you for speaking with me for the story, and here’s a link to it on the Westword site: http://blogs.westword.com/showandtell/2012/03/sex_lies_and_a_slideshow_drama_at_the_kinkforalldenver_conference.php

From: 	maymay <[email protected]>
Subject: 	Re: It's Jenn from Westword--questions for the KFADEN story
Date: 	March 1, 2012 1:22:19 PM MST
To: 	[Jennifer Wohletz] <[email protected]>

On Mar 1, 2012, at 10:56 AM, [Jennifer Wohletz] wrote:

Thank you for speaking with me for the story, and here’s a link to it on the Westword site: http://blogs.westword.com/showandtell/2012/03/sex_lies_and_a_slideshow_drama_at_the_kinkforalldenver_conference.php

Hi Jenn,

Thanks for sending me the link to your piece!

I’d like to ask you to please revise your use of my legal name to simply “maymay.” If I’m not mistaken, I have never introduced myself to you as [my legal name] nor have I sent you any written material in which my legal name was present. I am maymay. [My legal name] is what the legal system wants to call me. Maymay is what I want you to call me.

I trust you understand the difference between such things as, for example, “Jenn” and “Jane.”

Thank you for participating in KinkForAll Denver. :)

Cheers,
-maymay
Blog: http://maybemaimed.com
Talk show: http://KinkOnTap.com
Community: http://KinkForAll.org

UPDATE: Some more emails:

From: 	[Jennifer Wohletz] <[email protected]>
Subject: 	Re: It's Jenn from Westword--questions for the KFADEN story
Date: 	March 2, 2012 2:55:00 PM MST
To: 	maymay <[email protected]>

Hi again!

I forwarded your last message to my editor, we discussed it, and he is making the changes you’ve requested. It seems fair and reasonable to me that you should be able to identify yourself as you choose, as the other subjects did.

I would like to request that you remove the link on your website to my FetLife profile–feel free to link anything else of mine or about me you like; I don’t mind, but my FL profile has others’ information on it who aren’t “out” and I’d like their privacy protected.

Thanks, Jenn

From: 	maymay <[email protected]>
Subject: 	Re: It's Jenn from Westword--questions for the KFADEN story
Date: 	March 2, 2012 5:30:11 PM MST
To: 	[Jennifer Wohletz] <[email protected]>

No problem, Jenn. First, publish the comment I left on your article at the Westword via Disqus that has yet to be approved.[0] Don’t forget to check the spam filter! ;) *Then* I’ll edit my post.

Cheers,
-maymay
Blog: http://maybemaimed.com
Talk show: http://KinkOnTap.com
Community: http://KinkForAll.org

[0] http://maybemaimed.com/2012/03/02/help-me-check-bdsms-privilege-at-the-next-kinkforall-unconference/#comment-303561

UPDATE: Even more emails. These are important:

From: 	[Jennifer Wohletz] <[email protected]>
Subject: 	Re: It's Jenn from Westword--questions for the KFADEN story
Date: 	March 4, 2012 1:14:31 AM MST
To: 	maymay <[email protected]>

Hi!

The changes were made to the story, but with regard to the Disqus comments–try posting your comment again in case something didn’t work the first time, and if you still aren’t seeing your comment posted let me know and I’ll give you our web editor’s contact info.

Unfortunately I don’t have admin access to, or admin authority over the web comments–that’s a different department than the one I work for–but I’ll be happy to put you in touch with them.

Jenn 

From: 	maymay <[email protected]>
Subject: 	Re: It's Jenn from Westword--questions for the KFADEN story
Date: 	March 4, 2012 3:17:48 PM MST
To: 	[Jennifer Wohletz] <[email protected]>

Hi Jenn,

You can be a smart, powerful, resilient, resourceful human being. I trust you can figure out how to communicate with whatever departments and other people you need to ensure comments on your stories are published. And once you figure that out, you will have gained ability you seem to currently lack.

I therefore encourage you to empower yourself to take whatever authority you need to, regardless of your job description or assigned role within the Westword, to effect the outcome you want to see.

Thank you again for your participation in KinkForAll Denver. When I see the comment I left on your article published, I’ll edit my post as you requested. :) You may want to contact me again to let me know when the comment is published, as I won’t be checking back on the article’s webpage myself.

Cheers,
-maymay
Blog: http://maybemaimed.com
Talk show: http://KinkOnTap.com
Community: http://KinkForAll.org