The following comment was posted to Yes Means Yes today by someone who seems to prefer to remain anonymous, calling themselves “Really?”:

Maymay is controversial for a number of reasons. Some of them have to do with the fact that he’s not an ally to women who have been sexually assaulted. He routinely attacks other consent activists and women, all while claiming to be our greatest ally.

One of them is that he sent someone, under false pretenses, to watch an ex of his at a party as a form of intimidation.

When a performer talked about her sexual assault, he was busy tweeting away. Apparently he had more important things to do than listen.

God forbid anyone criticizing him for being a less than excellent ally. When a small time Tumblr blogger had the temerity to criticize him, he used his considerably larger platform to harass her.

Also, he’s given a platform to a prominent Men’s Rights Activist.

And here’s a video where mansplains to a female sex worker and consent activist how to talk about sex work.

That being said, I think the tool is interesting. But I really think Yes Means Yes should not have given Maymay a platform/implicit endorsement. There are very legitimate reasons why people in consent activist circles don’t like him. And it’s not because he’s just super edgy. It’s because he’s the kind of white cis male activist who hurts movements.

I responded, although my comment seems not to have been approved (yet?) and thankfully Thomas shut down the rest of this ad-hominem derail:

The above comment is an absurd decontextualization—one I am tired of defending myself against in private—and anyone who is interested is welcome to email me a request for documents that I have received permission to share non-publicly.

Here is a text copy of an email I sent to a reporter who asked me specifically about the above:

Hi Katie,

As you requested in our chat, embedded at the bottom of this email are all emails between myself and Maggie Mayhem dating from March, 2011. They aren’t very interesting unless you’re very interested in me or Maggie personally, but since you asked, and Maggie told me it was okay to share them with whoever asked,[0] here they are.

Since you only have 2 days for your piece, I’m also writing you a summary of what I believe the accusations regarding me being a “stalker” are referencing. The email exchange below references some of this stuff, and you are more than welcome to do whatever cross-checking and other digging you’d like to do about my history in this regard.

So here’s the story.

One of the things that I do pretty often at BDSM venues is tally the venue’s imagery. How many images depict traditional images of dominance in men, of submission in women, and so on. How many images depict submissive men at all? I then post the results of these tallies on my blog. I do this often, including when I was at a party at San Francisco’s Mission Control venue, and then I wrote about it on my blog.

The party in question was a Threshold party at Mission Control. The Threshold parties are explained here:

Like the majority of Mission Control’s parties, Threshold is typically an event open to everyone as long as they arrive with a PAL:

That was the case for the party I wrote about. This post is what I believe people are saying constitutes “spying” or “stalking” on Maggie:

As described here:

I attended a prior Mission Control event and then blogged/tweeted a tally of the imagery. I also had a Twitter conversation with Mission Control about this:

As mentioned in the last tweet in that thread,[1] I promised to return to Mission Control to make another tally. My attempt to do so next was the party Maggie was hosting. As described in the email exchange forwarded below between Maggie and I, when conflict arose between us, I asked Maggie for explicit permission to attend the party.

Maggie declined, so I posted a Tumblr post about that fact:

Then, on FetLife, a friend of mine said they’d do a tally for me. Since it was on FetLife, and my account is deleted, this record is no longer on FetLife’s server, but I’ll post a copy of the page, which I saved, publicly here, for now:

When my friend offered to do this tally, I contacted them back and said yes, please do, thank you. Our communication is then detailed in the “On Epistemic Violence” post as described, linked above.

And that’s that. Since then, Maggie has said my friend’s tally of the imagery was actually an attempt to “spy” on her. I understand she felt threatened, and have even apologized for that numerous times on Twitter,[2] but the issue is not yet resolved, and so I choose to no longer engage. I am unsure what else I can do, and the louder I get about abuse in the BDSM community, the more I fear interactions between Maggie, Kitty, and I are simply fuel for political infighting that I am uninterested in encouraging.

In fact, I have asked Kitty Stryker, Maggie Mayhem, and others who regularly tweet some pretty derogatory things @-me to please stop interacting with me numerous times, but I no longer even do that because doing so has been counter-productive. *shrugs* Make of that what you will.

I am happy to answer whatever further questions you may have. I am, as you might have guessed, something of an open book. :)

Talk show:



As for the claim that I was “busy tweeting away” while Lori Adorable spoke of her assault, yes: having received permission to do so from the event organizer where Lori spoke, I was live-tweeting the meeting, supplementing the already-running Ustream live video feed that they had set up. I am disgusted that this expressly permitted participation in consent working groups is used as decontextualized fodder for lying.

The claim of having “given a platform to a prominent Men’s Rights Activist” is equally absurd—in no feminism I support is it a punishable offense to think your political opponents have thoughts worth thinking about—and discussed at length on Facebook. (Go on, have a look. The rest of this post will still be here when you get back.)

So frak your disgusting Brand-based feminism and pop social justice popularity cliques. I’m not interested in scoring political points with you, I’m interested in getting shit done to make the world a little less unfair. And I think you should go to hell if you care more about social capital than human well-being.

Here is a copy of the chat transcript with the reporter, named Katie J.M. Baker who works at Gawker media, I mentioned in the comment:

Nov 12, 1:25:11 PM [email protected]: So first, tell me a little about yourself: how did you get involved in FetLife? How long have you been a user? What is your involvement in the kink community in general?

Nov 12, 1:28:48 PM maymay: Hm. This is pretty well documented on the Internet in a lot of places. My involvement in “the kink community,” such as it is, dates back to about 2002. (See for details and links.) I’ve been a BDSM blogger since 2007 (see my blog archives). I joined FetLife in 2008 and was an active user of the site until I was banned for becoming far too loud about their security and privacy failures. I had been advocating for better user-centric privacy controls for a couple years by then. See for some of the earlier, well-cited work on that front. I’ve since made an effort to show people why digital-world privacy and security issues matter for physical-world safety. See widely distributed posts like for recent examples of *that.*

Nov 12, 1:29:49 PM [email protected]: I know it’s well documented on the internet, and I’ve read your links — but for articles, it’s nice to have it straight from the person’s mouth (or hands, in this case)

Nov 12, 1:29:58 PM [email protected]: but thanks, this is good!

Nov 12, 1:29:59 PM maymay: Fair enough, I s’pose.

Nov 12, 1:30:34 PM [email protected]: what prompted you to start the database? was there a specific incident?

Nov 12, 1:30:45 PM maymay: There were too many “incidents.”

Nov 12, 1:30:56 PM maymay: Moreover, there was no significantly effective response.

Nov 12, 1:30:59 PM [email protected]: was there one that was the “last straw,” so to speak?

Nov 12, 1:31:06 PM [email protected]: ok

Nov 12, 1:31:25 PM [email protected]: do you know how many people have downloaded or otherwise used the service?

Nov 12, 1:32:19 PM maymay: No, because I distribute it from numerous sources in order to avoid likely censorship from FetLife (this is not a hypothetical concern, numerous versions of my tools, blog posts, and videos criticizing FetLife have been removed by DMCA takedown requests. I am working with a lawyer to restore that content). However…

Nov 12, 1:33:08 PM maymay: …you can see a download count from which currently reads “452” installs. That number is in ~1 week’s time.

Nov 12, 1:34:03 PM [email protected]: And that’s since the last time you updated the database, or..?

Nov 12, 1:34:24 PM maymay: I’ve only ever released 1 version. That is since the *release* of the database tool, which was last week

Nov 12, 1:35:07 PM maymay: You asked about my motivation for starting the database. I want to highlight the fact that I am trying to start a conversation about how to address these issues that people can not run away from. Right now, many people are specifically trying to silence not just sexual assault survivors, but conversation about how to support them through any measure.

Nov 12, 1:35:42 PM [email protected]: yes, it certainly seems that way on FetLife, which is a shame, since it seems like one place where people could actually potentially discuss consent

Nov 12, 1:35:55 PM maymay: There has been an inordinate amount of chatter about rape culture and the problem of abuse in the BDSM community, but there has been very, very, very little ACTION.

Nov 12, 1:36:06 PM [email protected]: how do you see your database prompting action and discussion?

Nov 12, 1:36:37 PM [email protected]: also, before i forget, do you want to be quoted as “maymay”? How old are you, where are you based out of, and what do you do for work?

Nov 12, 1:37:22 PM maymay: Yes, please quote me as “maymay.” I am 28 years old. I not based out of anywhere. (I am homeless.) I do not have a job. (I am unemployed.)

Nov 12, 1:37:30 PM [email protected]: okay thanks

Nov 12, 1:37:54 PM [email protected]: back to my other question — i’m very interested to hear how you think your database could prompt action and discussion outside of, you know, letting people report harassment and abuse

Nov 12, 1:38:37 PM maymay: Thomas Millar wrote an extremely interesting post on the subject called “Wallowing in the SL-OP.” If you haven’t yet read it, you need to:

Nov 12, 1:38:38 PM maymay: In this post…

Nov 12, 1:38:55 PM maymay: …he publishes a diagram called “The Cycles of Silencing and Transparency.”

Nov 12, 1:39:15 PM maymay: He goes on to explain the diagram like so: “See how each incident exists in a vertical column, what’s sometimes called a silo? Siloed information keeps us from making informed choices about whether someone just made a mistake or is a bad actor. The thing that is necessary to have all the information on the table is to de-silo the information, to tear down those walls and allow the information to flow freely. What does that is support. If survivors get a supportive reception, they’ll say what happened. We need that. If they don’t, they won’t, and that allows predators to hide their history.”

Nov 12, 1:39:31 PM [email protected]: Yes, completely agree! great quote

Nov 12, 1:39:39 PM maymay: He cites “support” as something that gets information to flow freely.

Nov 12, 1:40:13 PM maymay: My question was, “What does support look like from a technological perspective? In what ways can we literally encode a supportive infrastructure for survivors into the very fabric of our social networks?”

Nov 12, 1:40:32 PM maymay: The FAADE tool is *a prototype.* I wrote it in 6 hours.

Nov 12, 1:40:57 PM maymay: But it has already sparked massive amounts of debate and conversation on FetLife and elsewhere. (I can send you numerous links to long FetLife threads where people are…very opinionated.)

Nov 12, 1:41:15 PM maymay: The reason it has sparked so much conversation, I believe, is because FAADE is a technology that de-silos information.

Nov 12, 1:41:20 PM maymay: So here’s an example:

Nov 12, 1:42:02 PM maymay: Assuming Predator Theory is correct (see Thomas’s post for context), Abuser Abe is a “Predator” in that diagram diagram.

Nov 12, 1:42:39 PM maymay: Person B, we can call her Bella, is the first “Survivor,” over on the left siloed column in that diagram.

Nov 12, 1:43:00 PM maymay: When Abe abuses Bella, Bella can can either speak out or remain silent, as shown in the “Speak?” decision point.

Nov 12, 1:43:40 PM maymay: If the only support we offer Bella is human interaction, then we the information Bella has about the assault can only spread through the social network through direct links from Bella, i.e., people Bella knows.

Nov 12, 1:43:54 PM maymay: Many of these people, as your recent post on Jezebel highlighted, are not likely to be supportive.

Nov 12, 1:44:05 PM maymay: But more to the point for “information flow,” the information’s reach is constrained.

Nov 12, 1:44:23 PM maymay: It’s even worse on FetLife, because FetLife can and will actively censor Bella’s postings on the matter.

Nov 12, 1:44:48 PM maymay: Now we have Person C, let’s say Claire, also has an interaction with Abuser Abe.

Nov 12, 1:45:04 PM maymay: If Bella does not know Claire, then Claire is even LESS likely to get information about Abuser Abe.

Nov 12, 1:45:27 PM maymay: That’s part of what that black line on the left, the silo, looks like.

Nov 12, 1:45:29 PM maymay: (Making sense so far?)

Nov 12, 1:45:48 PM [email protected]: yes!

Nov 12, 1:45:57 PM maymay: Okay. Good. Now we introduce FAADE.

Nov 12, 1:46:14 PM [email protected]: i understand you, but i’m going to be quoting you, so keep that in mind — i can’t quote any of this in my piece, i’m looking more for a conceptual understanding tbh

Nov 12, 1:46:35 PM [email protected]: (you are giving me great quotes in general!)

Nov 12, 1:46:52 PM maymay: Sure. We can get to quotes, just let me get through this, too. Anyway…

Nov 12, 1:46:52 PM [email protected]: anyway keep going

Nov 12, 1:46:56 PM [email protected]: i can parse it for readers :)

Nov 12, 1:47:00 PM [email protected]: yes, keep going

Nov 12, 1:47:26 PM maymay: With FAADE, Bella and Claire can file an abuse report that will be displayed on Abuser Abe’s profile. What this means is that Person D, say Dani, *doesn’t need to even know that Bella or Claire exist to be warned about Abuse Abe.*

Nov 12, 1:47:57 PM [email protected]: but it wouldn’t be on his FetLife profile, right?

Nov 12, 1:48:08 PM [email protected]: what type of profile do you mean?

Nov 12, 1:48:20 PM maymay: Have you seen a demo of how FAADE works?

Nov 12, 1:48:42 PM [email protected]: so you’re talking hypothetically, if FetLife was on board?

Nov 12, 1:48:46 PM [email protected]: no, i downloaded a text version

Nov 12, 1:48:48 PM maymay: No, I’m talking for real, right now.

Nov 12, 1:48:54 PM [email protected]: ok, so yeah, i don’t understand, sorry

Nov 12, 1:48:57 PM maymay: Oh shit, we should screen-share so I can show you.

Nov 12, 1:49:13 PM maymay: The whole point of FAADE is that we don’t need FetLife’s permission or cooperation.

Nov 12, 1:49:15 PM [email protected]: i can’t do that right now, but i will look at a demo later

Nov 12, 1:49:24 PM [email protected]: sorry i didn’t in advance

Nov 12, 1:49:27 PM [email protected]: what about false accusations?

Nov 12, 1:49:32 PM maymay: What about them?

Nov 12, 1:49:36 PM [email protected]: is that a concern for you?

Nov 12, 1:49:46 PM [email protected]: in terms of having an abuse report

Nov 12, 1:50:28 PM maymay: LOL. :) False accusations are most definitely a concern, but what is interesting is the way people respond to them.

Nov 12, 1:50:30 PM maymay: Look…

Nov 12, 1:50:34 PM maymay: right now in this culture we have a threat model where if you’ve got no accusations against you, you’re presumed safe.

Nov 12, 1:50:54 PM maymay: However, and I’m pretty sure you know this, there are so many people with accusations against them IN THE WORLD, not just in the BDSM Scene, that this threat model is totally absurd. It’s not based on reality. That is what rape culture *IS.*

Nov 12, 1:51:13 PM [email protected]: yes, i’m not asking because I’M concerned about them, i’m asking to get your point of view

Nov 12, 1:51:30 PM maymay: Okay, so here’s what I think. When people talk of a “fear of false accusations,” what they are talking about is not wanting to align the threat model with reality. They fear that for a legitimate reason: aligning the threat model without also re-aligning how one judges safety is also absurd.

Nov 12, 1:51:34 PM [email protected]: i agree that our current model makes no sense

Nov 12, 1:51:40 PM maymay: In other words…

Nov 12, 1:51:41 PM [email protected]: which is why i love your database

Nov 12, 1:51:47 PM maymay: …if EVERYONE has an accusation against them, then we can stop fearing false accusations and start focusing on PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR.

Nov 12, 1:51:57 PM maymay: Here’s a good analogy for you to think through:

Nov 12, 1:52:00 PM maymay: Everyone knows that some eBay reviews are bullshit.

Nov 12, 1:52:08 PM maymay: Everyone knows that some people give bad Yelp reviews because they don’t like the waiter at a restaurant, or they got fired from their job.

Nov 12, 1:52:30 PM maymay: I believe that most people have the critical thinking skills to read that review and dismiss it, although reading FetLife often has me leaving pessimistic about that belief.

Nov 12, 1:52:39 PM maymay: SO…

Nov 12, 1:52:51 PM maymay: If Person A has two accusations of abuse against them and person B has 20, and they’re all detailed, and they all match a pattern, dude, we have something to work with.

Nov 12, 1:53:04 PM maymay: Furthermore, this forces EVERYONE to address the fucking issue and actually talk about abuse, and be judged on how they RESPOND to allegations of abuse.

Nov 12, 1:53:13 PM maymay: So in EITHER situation, in the case of an abuse allegation that is objectively “real” and ALSO in the case of “false accusations,” empowering people to speak up IS A WIN for consent culture.

Nov 12, 1:53:26 PM maymay: Make senes?

Nov 12, 1:53:31 PM maymay: s/senes/sense/

Nov 12, 1:54:32 PM [email protected]: yes

Nov 12, 1:54:40 PM [email protected]: definitely

Nov 12, 1:55:02 PM [email protected]: but can you give me some examples of how the database could help foster discussion/action that are less conceptual and more practical?

Nov 12, 1:55:05 PM [email protected]: if you have any

Nov 12, 1:55:10 PM maymay: LOL. Sure:

Nov 12, 1:55:12 PM [email protected]: like, more short-term, if you will

Nov 12, 1:56:23 PM maymay: Well, first off:

Nov 12, 1:56:38 PM maymay:

Nov 12, 1:56:47 PM maymay: These are all examples of people talking about the tool and having conversations about the issue.

Nov 12, 1:57:06 PM maymay: This tool, in the very short term, has helped ensure that the great momentum pressuring FetLife to address the issue will not die.

Nov 12, 1:57:58 PM maymay: In the medium term, it offers the opportunity to expose many people’s problematic thinking on matters of things like filing police reports and so on, rebutting claims of the prevalence of false accusations, and so on.

Nov 12, 1:58:21 PM maymay: In the longer term, it offers a model to actually build safer social network infrastructure. This is not about a blacklist.

Nov 12, 1:58:43 PM maymay: This is about changing a culture to one that empowers individuals to make better choices about who they want to spend their time interacting with.

Nov 12, 1:59:01 PM maymay: The way to make better choices is to have more information.

Nov 12, 1:59:16 PM [email protected]: great

Nov 12, 1:59:31 PM maymay: If you want to contrast this with a blacklist, look at the Sex Offender Registry and at’s use of it.

Nov 12, 2:00:07 PM maymay: Compare that to FAADE and note some very important differences. These include: with the SOR, people are simply flagged as “being a registered sex offender,” with no easy way for users to discern WHY that person is added to the list.

Nov 12, 2:00:33 PM [email protected]: great

Nov 12, 2:00:38 PM [email protected]: i have a more personal question, now

Nov 12, 2:01:05 PM [email protected]: I talked to Kitty Stryker and she did not have very nice things to say about you. She said she loved the tool you created, but that you harass and stalk women and she doesn’t think you’re the right person for the job of policing other abusers. Do you have anything to say regarding her allegations?

Nov 12, 2:01:33 PM maymay: LOL

Nov 12, 2:02:05 PM maymay: No, I don’t. :) You are welcome to search through all the archives you like about our interactions and I am happy to send you personal emails between myself and one of her associates at your request.

Nov 12, 2:02:24 PM maymay: You are also welcome to make this a story about me, but I am frankly not as interesting as this tool.

Nov 12, 2:02:26 PM [email protected]: sure, I’d like to see the emails

Nov 12, 2:02:35 PM [email protected]: the story isn’t about you

Nov 12, 2:02:40 PM maymay: Great, it shouldn’t be.

Nov 12, 2:03:01 PM [email protected]: but i think it’s relevant that she’s accused you of certain behaviors that you’re trying to combat

Nov 12, 2:03:11 PM [email protected]: which is why I’d love to hear your thoughts, but I understand if you don’t want to comment

Nov 12, 2:03:20 PM maymay: It’s as relevant as all the other accusations are.

Nov 12, 2:03:31 PM [email protected]: exactly

Nov 12, 2:03:56 PM maymay: Look, I’m aware of what people say about me. What better way to showcase how important it is to not be afraid of false accusations than to be accused of horrible shit one did not do?

Nov 12, 2:04:07 PM maymay: :)

Nov 12, 2:04:26 PM maymay: I am sure Kitty and everyone else who speaks with you about me is expressing valid feelings.

Nov 12, 2:04:28 PM maymay: Great.

Nov 12, 2:04:58 PM [email protected]: it was just her

Nov 12, 2:05:07 PM maymay: The facts are all on the Internet. Just be sure to read the feelings as feelings and facts and facts. Let me send you some links:

Nov 12, 2:05:25 PM maymay:

Nov 12, 2:05:42 PM maymay: Be sure to read also

Nov 12, 2:06:21 PM [email protected]: so you wouldn’t be bothered by having an abuse report on your account?

Nov 12, 2:06:39 PM maymay: Well, I don’t have a FetLife account, but I already have 4 abuse reports against me in FAADE.

Nov 12, 2:06:48 PM maymay: And no, I’m not bothered at all. That’s what it’s for.

Nov 12, 2:06:56 PM maymay: It’s not like FAADE does anything the rest of the Internet doesn’t already do.

Nov 12, 2:06:57 PM [email protected]: great

Nov 12, 2:07:00 PM [email protected]: agreed

Nov 12, 2:07:11 PM [email protected]: do you think FetLife will ever change its protocol?

Nov 12, 2:07:29 PM maymay: FetLife is a business. They have an economic incentive to maintain the status quo.

Nov 12, 2:07:39 PM maymay: That does not mean they will not change, it means they need to be forced to change.

Nov 12, 2:08:02 PM [email protected]: how do you see that happening?

Nov 12, 2:08:08 PM maymay: I find it very telling that the people who are clamoring for the most change are also the ones who refuse to support other people’s actions based on who they are, rather than their shared goal.

Nov 12, 2:08:21 PM maymay: You may note that in almost every post I’ve made about FAADE, I link to Kitty’s work. I do that because it’s good work.

Nov 12, 2:09:19 PM maymay: The inverse is not true:

Nov 12, 2:10:39 PM [email protected]: ok, but this story isn’t about you and kitty, i asked you how you see change happening in FetLife :)

Nov 12, 2:10:57 PM maymay: I thought I mentioned that: That does not mean they will not change, it means they need to be forced to change.

Nov 12, 2:11:11 PM maymay: Did I misunderstand your question?

Nov 12, 2:11:23 PM [email protected]: yes, but how

Nov 12, 2:11:28 PM [email protected]: how can they be forced to change?

Nov 12, 2:11:51 PM maymay: Oh, business pressure, social pressure, legal pressure, political pressure. All of the above.

Nov 12, 2:12:10 PM maymay: I’m actually less interested in FetLife, specifically.

Nov 12, 2:12:14 PM maymay: Here’s an idea you could write about:

Nov 12, 2:12:21 PM maymay: FAADE is a FetLife-specific tool.

Nov 12, 2:12:28 PM maymay: But what if there was a FAADE-like tool that traversed social networks?

Nov 12, 2:12:44 PM maymay: What if when you had a FetLife profile and you had an abuse report filed against your account, it would show up to people browsing your OkCupid profile?

Nov 12, 2:12:51 PM [email protected]: it’s easy to say the word pressure but i’m asking for specific examples, if you don’t have any that’s fine

Nov 12, 2:13:13 PM [email protected]: is that what you’d like to work on? more faade-like tools for other social networks?

Nov 12, 2:13:17 PM [email protected]: in the future?

Nov 12, 2:13:51 PM maymay: Ah, you want specific examples. Okay. Here is a time when I pressured FetLife to improve their security by calling them out publicly:

Nov 12, 2:14:37 PM maymay: At the end of the post I wrote a template for readers to copy-and-paste and then send to [email protected] This worked so well the EFF cited this as a successful campaign:

Nov 12, 2:14:44 PM maymay: Here’s another example:

Nov 12, 2:14:48 PM [email protected]: that’s a great example

Nov 12, 2:15:01 PM maymay:

Nov 12, 2:15:52 PM maymay: In that example, I had been loudly screaming from the Internet rooftops that users’ behavior did not match the reality for the site. I.e., that users of FetLife believed the things they posted on FetLife would only be visible to trustworthy people on the site.

Nov 12, 2:15:55 PM maymay: No one listened.

Nov 12, 2:16:16 PM maymay: Or they did, and they dismissed it because *they* didn’t act that way, ignoring the fact that MANY of FetLife’s 1.6+ million users *did* act that way.

Nov 12, 2:17:08 PM maymay: Once I wrote a tool that made this perfectly clear, FetLife security (or lack thereof) was the topic du jour for weeks, with numerous posts on FetLife getting to the Kinky & Popular section of their site.

Nov 12, 2:17:35 PM [email protected]: yes i’ve read about that

Nov 12, 2:17:44 PM [email protected]: well this is great! thanks so much

Nov 12, 2:17:47 PM maymay: In FetLife’s own thread about what happened, you can see the commenters are mostly very congratulatory of John Baku, and then they slowly begin to realize John Baku didn’t do anything meaningful.

Nov 12, 2:17:47 PM [email protected]: you’ve been really helpful

Nov 12, 2:17:57 PM maymay: I have more examples if you want them….

Nov 12, 2:18:03 PM maymay: But if that’s enough, great.

Nov 12, 2:18:04 PM [email protected]: not to cut you off, you’re welcome to keep going!

Nov 12, 2:18:09 PM [email protected]: but that works for me

Nov 12, 2:18:10 PM maymay: Okay. Well, here’s a simple one:

Nov 12, 2:18:29 PM maymay:

Nov 12, 2:19:17 PM [email protected]: i will check it out — i have to go work on something else now, so i can’t give you my full attention at the moment

Nov 12, 2:19:29 PM maymay: It’s just an image. Basically, when I say “pressure” I just mean “make it painfully obvious that anything other than honesty on FetLife’s part will be punished.” This only works if MANY individual users are able to do something, and so it behooves FetLife to do their best to ignore, ignore, ignore.

Nov 12, 2:19:29 PM [email protected]: but you’ve been incredibly helpful and i really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me

Nov 12, 2:19:40 PM [email protected]: feel free to send me any other thoughts and i’ll read them when i’m done with this other thing i have to take care of

Nov 12, 2:19:58 PM maymay: Okay. Let me leave you with a question:

Nov 12, 2:19:59 PM [email protected]: those are perfect examples

Nov 12, 2:21:46 PM maymay: There are multi-billion dollar industries designed to aggregate your person information. FetLife is doing that, too, only the information they’re collecting includes things like how you like to fuck, and who you fuck. Isn’t it time to put all the work and time and energy and money we as a society are pouring into that and use it for something better, like giving people tools to better protect *themselves*?

Nov 12, 2:22:32 PM maymay: And if your answer is “yes,” then the corollary should be obvious: what can service providers do to ensure a safer tomorrow for us?

Nov 12, 2:24:10 PM [email protected]: that’s great

Nov 12, 2:24:12 PM [email protected]: thank you!

Nov 12, 2:24:16 PM [email protected]: and i think the database is great, too

Nov 12, 2:24:39 PM maymay: Thanks for taking the time to talk with me, too. Can I make one last request?

Nov 12, 2:25:44 PM [email protected]: sure!

Nov 12, 2:28:33 PM maymay: Write what you want, but insofar as it makes sense to do so, please keep me *out* of your piece. I can refer you to other survivors who are more important to quote and whose stories deserve to be told by you more than mine do. I *have* a way to be heard. They don’t, so they sometimes write to me. And one reason I made this tool was so that I could offer *something* for them to *do* in addition to reaching out to someone they thought would believe them.

Nov 12, 2:29:10 PM maymay: So, just as a friend, please keep that in mind when you write about this.

Nov 12, 2:29:58 PM [email protected]: I’m sorry, I can’t promise that — you’re a part of the piece, and you agreed to be interviewed. But you gave me some excellent quotes and I plan on using a fair amount of them, I’m really glad we talked. I’d love to hear from other survivors if they can get in touch with me tonight or tomorrow

Nov 12, 2:30:46 PM maymay: Like I said, “insofar as it makes sense to do so.” I get this is an interview and I get why I’m a piece of this story. But like we both said, this story isn’t about me. So I’m just reiterating that. It’s really important to me.

Nov 12, 2:31:05 PM [email protected]: understood!

Nov 12, 2:31:22 PM maymay: Let me know when your piece goes live?

Nov 12, 2:31:53 PM [email protected]: I will for sure

Nov 12, 2:31:57 PM [email protected]: probably wednesday

Nov 12, 2:32:20 PM maymay: Great. Looking forward to it. If you have any questions or need links or references or sources or need to look up facts between then and now, email me.

Nov 12, 2:32:42 PM maymay: *Everything* (and I do mean *everything*) about my interactions with the BDSM community and FetLife and so on is documented on the Internet.

Nov 12, 2:33:20 PM [email protected]: awesome

Nov 12, 2:33:24 PM [email protected]: thank you!

Nov 12, 2:33:27 PM maymay: Thank you.

Nov 12, 2:33:38 PM [email protected]: and i would love to be put in touch with people who tried to talk about their experiences on FetLife

Nov 12, 2:33:42 PM [email protected]: and had their posts deleted

Nov 12, 2:33:51 PM maymay: I will get on that for you right now. There are many of them.

Nov 12, 2:34:03 PM [email protected]: you can tell them to email or call me — that would be awesome. thanks!

Nov 12, 2:34:35 PM maymay: If you haven’t yet seen it, here are some links off the top of my head about that:

Nov 12, 2:34:59 PM maymay:

As far as I know, Katie never did actually publish an article about the FetLife Alleged Abusers Database Engine (FAADE). However, the NY Observer did mention it. Meanwhile, I have been consistently working on these issues despite being harangued for it by pretty much all adherents to any popular Politic. From my perspective, it seems the ethical substance of such adherents lacks the commitment to do meaningful work to make the world a better place, preferring instead the corrupt and pathetic waste of their own—and others’—resources in exchange for social favor.

Finally, I’ll reiterate: having received permission to offer this, anyone who is interested is invited to email me a request for the email exchange between myself and Maggie Mayhem to receive a copy. (My public email address is listed on my website.)

Do any of you still wonder why I keep such detailed records? It is 21st century self-defense against my own political “side.” (Whatever the fuck that means anymore.)

Also, a personal request directed most acutely at all you lovely anonymous haters: please stop telling lies about me. I’ll not ask nicely the second time. And I’ll still be keeping records.


Edited to add: The entire email exchange between myself and Maggie Mayhem from March through December, 2011, is also now available on on

See also: