rivai-lution:

Lmfao @ these vanilla ass bitches calling themselves fucking ~*~rolequeer~*~ are you fucking kidding me rn 

If you’re not into BDSM then see yourself the fuck out of the community and stop making cute lil posts about your dumbshit opinions on tumblr and confusing everyone with your pointless bullshit. 

It’s cool if you’re not kinky like, seriously, that’s 100% fine, but stop mixing your white ass middle class education with your bastardization of queer theory and your fucking perversion of Marxist theory and your personal discomfort with not being a special fucking snowflake and barfing it all over tumblr like you fucking know what you’re talking about. 

The BDSM community is a small minority community that is based on consent and respect and sex positivity and the last thing we fucking need is over educated, underemployed little kids with superiority complexes and something to prove trying to politicize interactions that are personal, consensual, and most of all, enjoyable. 

Get the fuck out of our bedrooms, get the fuck out of our sex lives, and stop pointing fingers and pissing yourselves every time someone has the motherfucking audacity to enjoy the incredible variety of dynamics that BDSM has to offer. 

Rolequeer: pressed vanilla people who give terrible life advice, tbqh. 

Come at me guys no really lets fucking go.

Okay. Since you asked me to. Let’s go.

You seem to believe that there are two kinds of people in this world: those who are kinky, and those who are not (“vanilla,” which you say as though it’s an insult). This is called a binary. In reality, a binary categorization applied to human beings is silly at best. Truth is, there is no such thing as “not that kind of person.”

You also seem to believe that “kinky” is synonymous with “BDSM.” I’ve written quite a bit about this misunderstanding, but perhaps nowhere more succinctly as here, which I’ll excerpt as diplomatically as I can:

There is a difference between “having hot, kinky sex” and “being into BDSM.” The sadomasochists’s subculture (aka the “BDSM Scene”) tells us that these are effectively the same thing, but this is a[n intentional] conflation [popularized by people] who call themselves Dominants. These self-identified Dominants are so desperate to justify their desire to have non-consensual sex that they promulgate the lie that it’s only possible to have hot, kinky sex within the context of a Dominant/submissive binary. That’s what “D/s dynamics” are.

It’s easy for many ethical kinksters to believe this [conflation], as I did, because [it’]s premised on the pervasive idea that eroticism—and, therefore, sexual excitement—necessarily hinges on a power disparity in which one (dominant) party controls another (submissive) party. That is what domination is. […]

The truth is that domination and control are not necessary elements of eroticism. You can still have hot, kinky sex that doesn’t base itself in a story (or the actual act) of one party overpowering another. Since we live in a pervasively coercive society, almost everyone finds coercive cultural tropes sexy, but there *are* ways to have sexy-fun-times that don’t also have elements of coercion at all. These sexy fun times are still hot, and they are still kinky.

The misperception that “kinky” is inevitably laced with domination or control is the [lie of BDSM].

In other words, it is true that BDSM is a minority community, but it’s not true that what makes that community distinct from any other minority community is that it’s “based on consent and respect and sex positivity.” There are in fact many niche communities and subcultures distinct from BDSM who share that characteristic, and I’m sure you, Mr. self-described “Queer fag Dom (Daddy) gay kinkster feminist fan nerd extraordinaire,” need no help naming several others. Besides, numerous BDSM community’s own internal surveys show at least 50% higher rates of consent-violating behavior within the BDSM Scene than the “vanilla” world. So. That’s weird.

In fact, the defining element of the BDSM subculture and its associated fringe identity is the fantasy of sex as egalitarian until power relations are intentionally remade unequally. In other words, it’s the explicit eroticization of (often extremely violent) dominance coupled with the paternalistic idea that dominated peoples need domination to be fulfilled. BDSM is fascism, applied to sex.

In political discourses, authority fetishists are fascists. In sex, they’re BDSM’ers. But contrary to your hollow assertions, not everyone who is aroused by submissiveness also fetishizes authority. Here’s another way of describing this idea:

[S]ubmission isn’t just some kink that some people have. Submission is the voluntary use of one’s own power to become the means to someone else’s end.

Submission lies at the heart of what makes sex good. It exercises one’s own autonomy, recognizes the autonomy of one’s partner, and places trust in their sensitivity and good judgement. It’s possible to have sex without domination. Putting the two under the same umbrella is another huge logical misstep. But without submission – mutual submission – there is only coercion.

I understand that you—very personally, you—feel threatened by the idea that dominants are not necessary for and are often abusive partners to Submissive people, that they are wholly unnecessary for fulfilling the sexual satisfaction of kinky Submissives like me, that in fact Submissives can have hot, kinky sex without ever inviting a Dom, and that this lack of invitation for your presence in our sex lives may feel like we’re invading your bedroom. I certainly believe you when you express confusion at such a sudden shift from a sex life in which you were always the central figure to one in which you are not even desirable. But, since you asked and since we’re being honest here, I don’t actually have any sympathy for you over that nor over the anguish you say this is causing you. I have no sympathy for you at all.

You see, for my whole life, I was told I couldn’t be happy in a relationship with someone who didn’t identify as Dominant, like you. That I would never be able to experience even the most basic physically pleasurable sensations that I craved. That the only way to ever have a meaningful relationship was if I had that relationship with a very specific kind of person, namely a kind of person very much not like myself. And I believed them. I shunned relationships with people who I might otherwise have found rewarding. I quieted the part of me that called “bullshit” on this poisonous idea that because I am Submissive, I needed someone like you, someone Dominant, to be happy.

So while you may feel like I invaded your bedroom, I feel like you invaded my mind. I’m sure it feels violating to have someone else’s body who you never invited appear in your bedroom. Can you imagine how violating it feels to have someone else’s thoughts who you never invited lodged deep in your mind?

Look, I am kinky. Y’know, like most people. What I am not is into BDSM. Y’know, like most people. You’re more than welcome to define both of these terms however you like, but what you’re doing when you exclude only the ways that I fuck from “legitimate” kink and derisively call me vanilla after your on-the-spot audit of my sex life, what you’re doing is making a No True Scotsman argument. BDSM’ers are enamored with No True Scotsman arguments, I know, but it’s still a weak argument. Also, to use your phrase: get the fuck out of our sex lives.

And finally, even though I’ve said it before, apparently this needs repeating:

[D]espite the propagandistic insistence from BDSM community leaders to the contrary, your personal rape fantasy doesn’t bother us.

What bothers us—and by “us” I mean people of every political persuasion, from dyed-in-the-wool hardcore kinksters who have personal sex blogs chronicling an almost 10 year immersion in the BDSM Scene as self-identified Submissives, such as myself, all the way through to religious right anti-porn lobbyists who want to see BDSM criminalization harshly enforced—what we have a problem with is rhetoric and practice that presents things like “consensual nonconsent” as “healthy, happy kinks, easily practiced safely with sanity” as though you can just walk down to your corner drug store and pick up a “rape play kit” like it’s some fucking over the counter aphrodisiac.

We’re not trying to take away your sexy-fun-time playing rapist and rape victim. We’re telling you that mainstreaming a subculture whose premise is “rape play is uncomplicated because it’s everywhere” is an obscenely irresponsible thing to do in the context of existing rape culture.

Everyone, literally everyone, knows that. Only BDSM’ers object to it.

All right, then, “Queer fag Dom (Daddy) gay kinkster feminist fan nerd extraordinaire,” I’ve said some words. I even tried to avoid using language you might feel was too white-ass-middle-class-education, especially given that you’re “a student…majoring in Gender Studies and hope to get your PhD,” ain’t nothing white-ass-middle-class-education about that, nope, although other folks have said some things along these lines in that lingo I think is relevant.

Now. Wanna come back at me? Come on. Let’s fucking go.

Donate Bitcoin

Flattr this!