I need to emphasize this: I have zero tolerance for domination. None. Not any.

I have no tolerance for being parented; my parents finally figured this out, and now our relationship is way better than it was when they were trying to parent me. I have no tolerance for being schooled; the whole reason I started writing about myself online as a preteen, was a deliberate effort to get myself out of the school system, and I stuck with it for four years until I finally did drop out of school and never looked back. I have no tolerance for being employed; I hate having a boss, and I hate having clients, and always have, and I even absolutely hate having customers. I have no tolerance for being masculinized and told to act like a man or feminized and told I throw like a girl; I have struggled with these things from the moment I could feel the constraining assumptions other people’s perception of my body and desires put on me. I have always hated the way it made them treat me as well as the way it made me afraid to treat them.

And, although it took a lot longer to get here for the reasons that will become clear as you read however much you want from my various sex blogs, I have no more tolerance for being dominated in bed.

I am also Submissive as fuck.

Like every other human being, freak or not, I am vulnerable to a lot of things. But if you repeatedly poke a tiger, don’t be surprised if that tiger suddenly bites your arm off. The fact that a tiger can bite your arm off does not make that tiger invincible, but its vulnerability also does not mean it won’t bite your fucking arm off if you’re careless!

Maybe the reason I am Submissive as fuck is because I have an uncanny ability to perceive domination. I am sensitive to it. Domination is something I can sense.

Being sensitive to domination is not some preternatural ability I and only I have. It’s just a sense like any other that I’ve consciously developed. Maybe I worked on it harder than most people because, as the adults in my life told me at that time in my life, I started feeling particularly “rebellious” particularly early. Maybe I am more sensitive to different aspects and forms of domination because of my peculiar personal history. Maybe joining the rape-affirming BDSM Scene while I was “18”-with-air-quotes as a Submissive when no one was even talking about consent in the mainstream, let alone in the BDSM world, the way they are now had something to do with it.

So when people treat me like I don’t know what I’m talking about, or when they poke at me over and over and over again and then express shock and outrage that I’ve bitten their fucking arm off, well. Let’s just say you can’t see most of my scars. I am Sick. And. Tired. of my own experiences at home and at school and at work and in the club and in my beds all being thrown back in my face when I talk about consent and rolequeerness and Submissiveness for being “not real abuse, not actually rape, not a real survivor’s experience” by people who have NO FUCKING IDEA what it is like to be me.

I don’t care what your measurements or your standards or your fucking definitions are. I don’t care. Especially dominants; I don’t trust dominants and I don’t trust you and I don’t care about your fucking definitions. Those are yours. You can have them. I will have mine. If other people find mine useful for themselves, too, then those people can take mine on themselves. And if other people taking my words, and my meanings, and my understanding of things frightens and upsets some other people? GOOD! It’s supposed to. That’s why I made those parts of myself so damned public and so damned vulnerable in the first place.

When I say I’m Submissive, I don’t mean “please tie me down and fuck me hard, I like it that way.” That has as much if not more to do with my kinkiness than it has to do with my Submissiveness. To describe that particular desire that I have, I use the words, “please tie me down and fuck me hard, I like it that way.”

No, when I say Submissive I mean that when I see someone with power lording it over someone else, I can think of little else to do than undermine their every move. When I was forced to go see psychopharmocologists for my “mental illness,” I became obsessed with learning everything I could possibly know about neurochemistry. (I am still diagnosed mentally ill. No, I do not take medications for it anymore.) When I was offered a promotion at a job that would put me in charge of others, I quit that job. (I didn’t even give notice.) When I saw secretaries doing painfully repetitive computer “paper work,” I taught them how to automate some parts of their job and then encouraged them to take longer lunch breaks rather than do more work. (They were unaware of “Find-and-Replace” in Microsoft Word; sad, right?) And when I see BDSM’ers gaslighting other Submissives the way they gaslit me, I start blogs like this one.

So, to anyone reading, please understand what I’m doing here. It may not be what it looks like. What it looks like might change the more context you gain. You might feel unsafe here. You might feel inspired here. I don’t really care how you feel, not really anyway; I am just one person. This is just one blog.

But, I can hurt you, and I might even actually hurt you, especially if you are dominating me or someone I care about. And if you are dominating others, if that was your goal, if you enjoy having that kind of unilateral power and you used it, regardless of who or what you are, then my explicit intention is to neuter your ability to dominate them. That will hurt. I promise.

That’s what I mean when I say I’m Submissive. Don’t ever forget it.

(The above is an excerpt from what was originally published in the context of this conversation.)

Donate Bitcoin

Flattr this!