Helen_Back

Helen_Back's Writing 39F Hedonist (Bedfordshire, United Kingdom)

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FAADE

Journal Entry | 43 Comments · 2 Love It |

after seeing Az mention this after the fish pictures..so being nosey I went to have a look, surprisingly there are 3 people on my friends list on there and did not get to the end, I do not want to get into the allegations on there cos that is not my concern at this moment but one really did shock me! I want to ask a question..

In my five years of being active on the scene I am sure I have stepped over the line of consent more then once..I know I stuck my finger up my boys bum when spanking him, the first time we played which in the long run is not an issue as he loved it! and is now mine but we did talk about it afterwards but this is easily reportable. what I am asking is do I report a) the bloke who slapped me across my face without consent..when this was not discussed beforehand and was not in a play situation? the bloke who entered me without a condom when this was discussed as a limit or many of the other things that have happened along the way?? (btw I hold no malice about either of these things..these people I see they have grown and changed)

people change and learn from there time on the scene, they change they even become new and better people..will people look at the dates these where written and thing oh they might have learnt and grown,or just think my god this person is a beast.

I find this whole thing scary, we all have histories we all grow... I am finding this whole thing hard to work out in my head..actually I am finding the whole scene and the things that get said and the way people are judged and not given a trial quite hard...

43 Comments (leave comment)

i wouldn't worry about the blog bringing things to attention of others because hiopefully it will start a good conversation about how this is a joiurney and learnig curve ect ect

FAADE lets users report consent violations and abuse. Does it also allow for false accusations? Of course. People who use the database know this, and know that the reported consent violations are allegations and not neccessarily facts. Does that mean it shouldn't exist or be used? I don't think so. The fear of 'coming out' to report a consent violation (to the police, community leaders, event organisers, the perpetrator and even friends) is very real. Fetlife compounds this by removing any discussions that name names or attempt to alert others to danger in their midst. It all feels very brushed under the carpet, and contributes to the idea that to be abused is a shameful, private thing that has no business being discussed in public. Anything we can do to make it easier and safer for victims to open up is probably a good thing, because unless victims open up, we can't shine a light onto abuse and consent violations.

Word of mouth is also a medium that can be used to spread idle gossip, false accusations and chinese whispers, but I hope no-one believes that victims should never speak about their experiences due to the potential for exaggeration, misunderstanding and outright lying. We all have a brain and we all need to use it - hopefully in a compassionate yet critical manner.

I found FAADE via Tumblr and used it to report animal abuse. I reported profiles that contained photos of animals being killed by crushing and other methods. Whether the evidence remains on their profiles is down to them and the FL team, but I have no qualms about reporting such abuse to as wide an audience as possible. If the users in question wish to respond on their profiles, either to justify themselves or deny it, they are free to do so. No-one is being silenced - not the alleged abusers nor the accusers. In this case, the only bings being silenced are the abused and I want to give them a voice.

az I dont have a problem with name and shame, or word of mouth but do the people named on this get a notification so they can address it?..it doesnt say when the event happened as well..just date reported, how do you know how long beforehand it was?

I just find it a little scary that you have no right of address at the source and anything can be written

@Bad_Hands.. Me too and loads other, I love seeing the growth and change in people, my god something people I thought were total tool, I would now quite happily give them a hug and be there mates

I am finding the whole scene and the things that get said and the way people are judged and not given a trial quite hard...

It is human nature. Not desirable, just natural.

I dont have a problem with name and shame

I do have issues with name & shame, I had a lot to say about that prior to my self-imposed exile from this site.

@d_k_ with name and shame you have the right of address at that point in time. The whole no right of address of this or ability to change what is written is wrong. People will talk about people they have and always will. With this you either answer on your own profile or ignore, if you even know what is written in The first place

with name and shame you have the right of address at that point in time

Rarely is that the case. Firstly you have to know of the accusation, and be able to respond in a timely manner. Secondly, most name and shame is not done openly, but is whispered behind backs.

Finally there is the biggest issue, that when it comes down to it, the norm is guilty. Not until proven innocent, just guilty. Any attempt at defence is seen as evasive, victim blaming, refusing to take responsibility for actions, all of which are just as heinous as whatever the original accusation may be.

As for the FAADE list, I tried to download it and was unimpressed. In fact nearer disgusted.

"talks out of school"="is rapist"
"Yelled at me at a munch. "=abuser
"said stuff people dont like/disagree with" =abuser
"patronising" and "said stuff people dont like/disagree with"= abuser

Thats without scrolling. Way to devalue words and experiences!

If the users in question wish to respond on their profiles, either to justify themselves or deny it, they are free to do so. No-one is being silenced - not the alleged abusers nor the accusers. In this case, the only bings being silenced are the abused and I want to give them a voice.

This is pretty much my take on the animal issue

The animal issue but dia I could write you groped my tit at Munch then stuck your head up my skirt without consent and you have no idea of personal boundaries or consent. You then have to either justify yourself or ignore leaving other people to make their own judgement and it can never be altered or removed.

I suppose it is two sided..

On one hand you could accuse me of that to other people and I would never know... but one thing I do see about this thing is it maybe does give people the chance to defend themselves if accused and to know that someone is saying those things.

I do however think some things on that list are just idiotic, e-mailed without consent is marked as severe for example.

Worse..... someone could (did) send a friend request without reading a profile and be labelled an abuser.

Lets face it, people are not going to read the details, just see the warning box. Sure you can defend yourself in your profile, but only if you know about it. I suspect there is no mailing of people, just whispered allegations behind the back.

@anguissette_dia. If they actually have that plug in. The list is pathetic atm with the way its marked but if it gets legs..

Well, given that no report will ever be deleted, I shall report myself.

My abuse? "Thinking FAADE is a great example of the worst of the bdsm community"

@d_k_ lol was speaking to someone who said I should write they are a sex offender, that we had sex and then they offended me by wiping there cock on my curtains B-)

WTF !!!! ????

You can anonymously report a fetlife user "who have reportedly violated others' consent, such as through sexual assault or rape" .... without any need for anything remotely resembling proof ... and once one this database the accused person can .....

"update your FetLife profile to address the allegation. Be sure to respond to the allegation at the very beginning of your "About me" section so that it is displayed close to the report you believe is false. Each report filed against you is numbered, so if you believe there are multiple false accusations, you can refer to them by number."

And the reason you do this ? .... because this will put a big yellow banner onto your fetlife profile (visible to people who have downloaded and use this app)

And once on this database you cannot/will not ever be removed ... There will never be an option for removing anyone from the database. And no, I'm not sorry about that.

Again I say ..... WTF !!!!! ?????

I must have missed the memo revoking all concepts of trial or proof of crime ... and people actually think this is a good idea ?????

OK HOLY CRAP - DK just downloaded it. He went on his own profile and next to all his friends there is a link that states "report a consent violation by"

At the top it says "Owner of Anguissette_dia" (report a consent violation by Anguissette_dia)

Ok Now I understand it and yes - that is damn scary

There will never be an option for removing anyone from the database.

See if that stands when the allegation against me goes live :)

Just what the mob needs, more torches and pitchforks, this time with a cloak of invisibility.

I am with Jay on this one after reading it and thinking.. I thought people were innocent until proven guilty. This smacks almost like a excuse to use it as a witch hunt so to speak..
Common sense seems to have been forcibly ejected out of the window...And this can be used by anyone who feels they have an axe to grind. Scary and disheartening :(

Oh crap, my Owner is on Faade... he is obviously an abuser! (ok he put himself in the database as thinking it is a stupid idea but still!)

The girl just pointed out something......

JB is not on the list, however he is used as the example in the download page, and was the turning point for the recent "name & shame, out the abusers" outcry

Tried to download it and my trojan detector had kittens! Bit like its author, to be kept at atleast a bargepole length away!

I hate yellow, its far too happy a colour, I want a fetching dark grey please.

As I posted on the link, feel free to use me to trivialise it and make it useless

Stumbled on this discussion, so went to take a look myself.
It does appear to be a Kafkaesque creation where anybody can be accused of... well whatever really.
The guy who wrote it obviously has a grudge against Fetlife.
Apparently there have been over 1,000 downloads of the script.

@Elohims_jay:
There is no need for a fair trial or proof because no punishment is being given. No one is being immediately expelled from fetlife or arrested or sent to jail because of FAADE. It is literally an internet compilation of gossip. It tells you what people are saying about a fetlife user. That is all. Gossip can be useful, and can help you take precautions when needed. But anyone with a brain knows that anonymous data is fallible and to take everything into account when making a final judgement on the person being accused. Why is this so hard to wrap some peoples' brains around?

To make an analogy: It is perfectly legal and acceptable to leave the police anonymous tips about criminal behavior. FAADE is a compilation of anonymous tips, and we as a community are the police. But when the police get a tip they don't immediately assume guilt or go arrest the person - they investigate, they see if multiple tips pile up, they get all the information before taking any action. There is nothing unfair about this.

@alethiometer

because no punishment is being given. No one is being immediately expelled from fetlife or arrested or sent to jail because of FAADE

So libel and slander are illegal why? Because whilst there is no "punishment" there are still ramifications.

To make an analogy: It is perfectly legal and acceptable to leave the police anonymous tips about criminal behavior.

To make an analogy: It is perfectly legal and acceptable to leave the police anonymous tips about criminal behavior, however it is not legal to waste their time with spurious, unfounded, malicious allegations. To continue the analogy, it is NOT legal for newspapers to print just any old shit about anyone, because someone else said they did something.

when the police get a tip they don't immediately assume guilt or go arrest the person - they investigate, they see if multiple tips pile up, they get all the information before taking any action.

Because that is their legal obligation, because they have to take into account the ramifications of their investigation, trial, imprisonment, fines.

I'm guessing you will be fine with people making malicious, unfounded accusations against you amongst your community. Before you say "of course I will" because "anyone with a brain knows that anonymous data is fallible", remember, the vast majority are quite OK with the idea of no smoke without fire. You must also consider the well known fact that repetition makes truth, say fred is a rapist often enough and it will be believed, regardless. There is also the chinese whispers aspect, what starts as "looked at me funny" does not take long to become "murdered my dog and chopped my arm off"

Here, in this country, rumour and innuendo, never mind malicious allegations are enough to keep you out of many jobs, to even keep you out of carpooling for the church picnic.

Please, feel free to come join the real world at any time.

Victims of abuse often fear that they will not be believed, and are ashamed of what happened to them, believing that they "allowed" it to happen to themselves.

This just gives abusers another threat/weapon to use against their victims. I expect this will silently make things worse for the victims, while publicly causing damage to the reputations of innocent kinksters.

In it's current form I strongly oppose FAADE. It should be a network of trust, where you can vouch for other kinksters you know well whom you believe to be trustworthy. Right now it's a collection of accusations and negativity, it should be the opposite.

WTF.
Apparently according to that list, Im a serial boob fondler and I dont respect peoples play space... seriously?!?

^ going up? ^